Contains Abuse - Boyfriend, holiday, meeting parents... need to explain history

[broken_rainbow]

Not entirely sure where to start with this...

Basically, my fella and I are going abroad for a week very soon (in less than a week in fact!), we're going to be staying in a hotel very near to my dad & step-mums house, so will be spending a lot of time with them (my gran, aunt, half sister and cousin will also be there)...

Holidays of themselves can be pretty stressful with BPD (life generally is pretty stressful!), but this will be the first time b'friend will be meeting my dad & this side of my family (another stressful event!), since b'friend has never met dad, I've not explained that he can get aggressive & has been violent towards me in the past... he needs to know (just in case things start to get a bit heated, I need to make sure neither of us end up staying in a dangerous situation).

Also, although we have been together for 3 years, we have never had a sexual relationship... and I'm sure that this is likely to change once we're spending a week together, sharing a bed, in a different country... He doesn't know anything about the sexual abuse I went through as a child, and so doesn't understand why I get so scared of intimacy and physical contact... think I need to talk to him, but no idea how to broach the subject.

*Sighs* It's all seeming a little overwhelming right now... Anyone ever had to try have similar conversations with anyone in the past? Or have any suggestions about how to open up any of this to discussion?

[Veggie]

I had to tell my husband, at that time just my boyfriend, that i was abused when i was younger. I told him after crying after trying to get intimate. It was really awkward and it i really didnt want to talk about it but after i told him, he was so supportive and now when i have a flashback or something he is always right there. it made us closer. Bringing it up probably wont be easy but i found it really helpful.

[broken_rainbow]

Thanks for your response
I'm going out with him today so going to try talk to him this afternoon, hoping it goes okay... Helps to know that you've managed it, @ it improved the relationship you have with hubby... Honesty is the base of all good relationships I guess. I desperatiy love this guy, and he's been so supportive & patient & understanding so far... Three years of coming to understand my madness & he's not walked away - I don't know how he's done it! - so I don't think this will damage our relationship...

Thanks again x

[crazykat]

It sounds like he is already supportive of you so that should help when you tell him. Good luck with talking to him, let us know how you get on.

As for finding being around your family stressful, can you try and organise times when you can just get away from the situation. Like perhaps you could go off somewhere with your boyfriend. It might also help to have a think about some coping strategies you could use to help ease the levels of stress such as using relaxation techniques.

[Veggie]

Im glad i could help, your boyfriend sounds super awesome. let us know how it goes?

[broken_rainbow]

Well, back from holiday.

I was wrong when I said I didn't think it would damage the relationship. It did. Irreparably. We've broken up...

I don't think it was just this piece of information, but it still hurts like hell that it's happened. He's being a complete arse about everything (slightly stalker-ish!) - one minute he's declaring undying love, and an urgent desire to get married, the next he's saying he shouldn't be putting any pressure on me since I'm "fragile", then blaming me for him turning to alcohol and prescription medication...

Ah well. At least I managed to get things out into the open, and at least this is all happening BEFORE we'd actually gotten married or whatever... that would've been worse.

[Unbreakable.]

I'm sorry it went so badly.
Do you want to talk about what exactly happened?

[sapphire hearts]

*offers safe hugs* I'm so sorry your boyfriend is behaving this way. And it is better that you know what kind of man he is now, before you invested any more time in him. You deserve better than that honey.

Hope you're ok, PM me if you ever want to talk
Katie x

[broken_rainbow]

Thanks for hugs and kind words :)

Basically (brief summary as I'm having to go out soon & don't want to bore you with 10,000 hours of reading!) Should mention that I probably didn't get the timing right... ended up being while we were away that I told him.

I said, "Listen J, I really want to be able to be open and honest with you about some things that went on when I was younger, because I don't want to be hiding things, and especially not things that are going to have an impact on the relationship... *told him about abuse/rape/how I now find it can sometimes cause me to feel unsafe or scared etc*"

He responded: "Well. There's always something else isn't there." and walked away...

Next day it was as if nothing had happened, had a nice time... all was okay (albeit that there was a rather large elephant being ignored)... we got into an argument over something my dad had said (I can't remember what it was now, something relatively unimportant and trivial...) at which point his true feelings came out - I'm "fragile", "unable to cope", a "drama queen", "can't you just get over all this sh*t"...

Obviously rest of holiday was awkward... but we both put up a good act in front of my family and friends.

Got back to the UK, a few days later I received a message saying how perfect and amazing I am, and that he would give anything to spend the rest of his life with me because he was sure he'd never find anyone else.

I replied saying that I was finding our relationship difficult and we needed to talk about the holiday and all that had happened while we were away.

We met for a drink and to talk things over, he apologised, said he had messed up, that he loved me etc... He wouldn't talk about the holiday, saying we should just forget about it and move on - I said I couldn't just move on...

Got home, went to bed... woke up to 17 messages - blaming me for upsetting him, forcing him to get stoned and drunk, and to take a packet of sleeping medication...

Anyway, texts and calls continued with him declaring undying love one minute, and the next telling me I was pushing him to use alcohol etc because I was trying to ruin his life... it just got messy.

So, there's the story in a condensed format.

Katie - I'm okay now, things were rough, and it's been a challenging few weeks, but seems the worst is now over :)

[yourockmysocks]

It sounds to me as that if this relationship continued it would have been damaging for both you and him, and it's likely for the best that things ended. I know it's rough right now but it will get better. Take good care of yourself!

[sapphire hearts]

*safe hugs* I'm sorry this happened honey, but I think yourockmysocks is right - it sounds like neither of you were able to cope with the turn the relationship took; he wasn't able to deal with your past (which is sad but, unfortunately, not uncommon) and you needed him to step up.

Hope the mood-swingy texts from him have stopped, that sounds confusing and unfair on you. If you ever need to talk I'm here. Take care sweetie.

Katie x

[broken_rainbow]

Yup, things wouldn't have been likely to have improved. I'm still trying to work through my own stuff in therapy, and to be honest I don't think I was / am really ready to be in a serious relationship anyway - in every situation there's something to be learned though, so it wasn't all bad.

Thanks again for all your support :) Really appreciate it! J xx

[sapphire hearts]

*hugs* Glad you're able to be so positive about this - you're really brave hun.

PM me anytime if you want to talk/chat. xx