I have a kind of an exam tomorrow and I haven't done much studying. I know I shouldn't be online right now and I should be studying. I should have done a lot more practical training with friends from school as half of the exam is practical but I did almost nothing.
It is so hard to force myself to do some preparation for tomorrow.
As if something is holding me back. I used to be like this 6 or 7 years ago but I thought I had beaten this behaviour. I was doing so well since September but my old behaviours have come back.
I keep telling myself that I don't want to be good in school. As if I'm scared to have good grades, it doesn't make sense. I have good grades all the time, at least until now, since I started this school.
It feels as if there is a part of myself stopping me from studying.
Can anyone relate to this? Any ideas how I could beat this?
I feel a strong urge to stay online now and wait for a reply. I'm not giving in though. I'll be back later.
Laura
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
Yes I know how you feel, a few years ago in 2008-2009 I was really determined to study social work, I had two courses, I was doing at the same time, I was doing two jobs, constantly exercising to extremess and not eating but i was constantly on the go. Then earlier in the year, I recieved the best news ever I was gonna study social work, i had a unconditional offer my degree and i even quit my day job at the co-op (supermarket) everything was going great i had everything that i needed, my confidence was high i wasn't depressed. Then suddently it all came crashing down at the enrolment day (the day before my holiday to texas) I was told that i couldn't do my course as I didn't have a gcse in maths and everything came crashing down, my confidence went down the toilet, i was punishing myself constantly 24/7 by skipping meals and constantly exercising. I didn't care if i lived or died at at one point as was withdrawn. Obviously my parents just ingored me they thought it was just a a phase and i willl just get over it and then from the on wards i stopped believing in myself i stopped wanting to go my job, I began skipping work just turning up when i felt like it. Not bothering if i was five minutes late or missed the 9:05 to witham station and also going to bed really late. So i felt ill the next day to get out of work. Even to this day my motivation for life is down the bogseat yet again, I have had more set backs regarding social work, I have no job to go to, I am in debt to my eyeballs thanks to my last company and i had to give my university course in education studies after i was attacked. My life has officially gone down the bogseat taking my sanity with it.
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
No, I didn't talk to anyone except the ones who were still waiting until it was their turn.
There was only one girl who I don't get alone with very well who I could have talked to.
I'll get the results tomorrow in the morning. I wasn't scared or anything the whole day, but now I keep thinking that I didn't pass the exam and that I'm not a good enough person to become a physical therapist. I keep thinking that I should just stop going to school and do something else.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
