thoughts

[snixxy]

Still struggling...

Thoughts in my head that I'm struggling to fight. Its been so long since I've had to deal with thoughts like this on my own..and now I feel SO alone.
Being so lonely make my voices so much more profound. I'm scared of them.
It's a bad anniversary coming up next month and I don't know how I'm going to cope with it. I've spent the last 3 in hospital. Now I'm on my own.
I don't want to be back in hospital. NEVER again. But I need help. Please.

[Fire Fly]

Hey,
I'm sorry you're struggling and being in a bad place at the moment. With the anniversary approaching, do you think you can talk to your team about what's going on to prevent yourself from ending up in hospital again? X

[snixxy]

Yeah I think I'm going to have to bring it up with my CPN when she comes on Wednesday...no support till Wednesday.
Not sure what she will suggest. I'm not seeing my psychiatrist till the beginning of next month but he may come up with some suggestions too.
I'm scared of what's going through my head...these thoughts, I have not dealt with well in the past. Again, I will talk them through with my CPN on Wednesday. Feel so on my own at the moment.
I can ring the support line, but I just want that magic wand to make everything ok...and I know no-one has that.

[Patent Pending]

Hi there.

Sorry you're struggling so much right now.

Maybe it'd help to plan something nice for the anniversary? Do something with family/friends or something just on your own to make yourself feel better?

It sounds like a good idea to discuss these things with your CPN on Wednesday, and also with yout psychiatrist.

Do you want to talk about these thoughts in any more detail? Maybe it'd help to get them out of your head to stop them going around and around? Maybe even calling a helpline to talk them through would help? Is there anyway you can call your CPN before Wednesday and just let her know you're struggling with these thoughts? She might be able to offer some support before Wednesday?

Take care.

x x x

[snixxy]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I rang the helpline last night. They talked things through with me. And calmed me down as I was quite distressed. They will write a report for my CPN so she will know that I rang last night and what I spoke to them about.
Hopefully now I've explained it to them, they will pass it onto her and I won't have to explain it all again!

My parents know about the anniversary so I think my mum will do something with me. I hope she will stay the night with me cause thats when it will be worse, I just need to pluck up the courage to explain it all to her.

Every night is worst. That's when I struggle with my thoughts. The voices put ideas in my head. Thoughts of self harming and overdosing.
I'm scared to talk through all this with my CPN because if I tell her how bad things get they will hospitalise me again.

[Patent Pending]

I'm glad you were about to call the helpline and that they were able to calm you down :) well done!

I think it'll be good if they write to your CPN - chances are she'll wanna talk about things but I'm guessing [if you're anything like me] it's easier to answer direct questions rather than start to explain things.

It's good your mum knows and that she can help. Maybe it'd be helpful to do something like go out for a meal or to a film in the evening as you say the night is the hardest for you. I struggle in the evening/night most too - it's when the thoughts and urges are the strongest for me so I usually try to do something so I get home pretty late.

Maybe you could discuss with your CPN that rather than the hospital again you want to learn ways to cope with this on your own - when I was planning bad things for an anniversary my Psych said he could hospitalise me but he didn't want me to depend on the hospital to get me through that anniversary all the time - so instead we set up extra support for me for that particular day/night and more appointments close to it.

Take care.

x x x

[snixxy]

Thanks for your reply
My CPN hasn't rung me today so she musn't have time to see me till our appt on Wednesday.
I rang the helpline again last night. But when I get off the phone to them I feel lonelier that ever. I came closer than ever to starting self harming again last night. I had to fight to stay in bed.
I will have to discuss this with my CPN on wednesday.

I told them about the anniversary but they said its still a long time away and deal with it nearer the time.
My mum is so busy looking after my Nanna and Dad who are both ill at the moment so I can't get help from her. Feel selfish feeling like I do when mum has got so much on her plate.
I need to dump all this on my CPN as she is the only one i can rely on at the moment.
Hopefully, like you said, she will give some extra support round the anniversary, She wont want me back in hospital, but my psych might.

[Patent Pending]

Well done for calling the helpline again and for fighting the SH urges.

Could you maybe call your CPN? Just to see if she can speak to you breifly on the phone before Wednesday - I often think mine will call me when she's available if I need support but sometimes they don't know how bad things are? And when I have called her she's always been able to speak then on the phone or call me back a bit later.

I know it's hard when someone you look to for support is helping other people - I have the same issue with my mum and her looking after my dad, but she always says she'd prefer me to come to her than suffer alone, no matter what's going on with her.

Maybe you could see if you could arrange an appointment with you, your CPN and your psych near the anniversary to discuss what support would be helpful? It'd also show them that you're willing to accept support outside of a hospital setting.

x x x

[snixxy]

Thats a really good idea. I'll ask if my mum will be ok to do it when i see her at the weekend.
I think i will try and ring my CPN. Hopefully like you say just a chat over the phone will help.

Thanks for your suggestions x

[snixxy]

Grrr, rang up and my CPN isn't back in till Wednesday!! So I may as well wait till I see her Wednesday afternoon.

[Patent Pending]

Sorry your CPN isn't available.

Is there anyone else you can speak to there? My CPN always has someone to fill in if she's away for a few days so people aren't left high and dry.

x x x

[snixxy]

No they just said can I get her to ring you on Wednesday? But I said no cause she's coming anyway.
I've tried to ring the help line three times but its engaged.
Had some PRN. Doing everything I can to fight this.

[Patent Pending]

You can get through it <3

I believe in you. Keep trying the helpline if it helps.

x x x

[snixxy]

Tried again. Still engaged.