I don't know how to help.

Fiddlesticks · 02-03-2013, 09:23 AM

I'm not sure if this is the right place. Sorry if it isn't.

My OH has been becoming increasingly more depressed. He hasn't been sleeping, and recently I found out he had been B/Ping again. I do my best to be supportive of him but he doesn't really like to talk about things. Recently, he's been opening up more, and he said he needed to get himself back to how he was. I tried suggesting ways in which he can but he then said to me he doesn't want to bring things that make him happy into a "bad place" (he means the place we're currently living).

The problem I'm having is that I don't know how to make this place seem more like his, and like his home. At the moment, I feel like a failure for being unable to help him. I don't know if this is something that will pass or not...

I don't know why I've written this here. I think I'm just needing advice on how to support him properly. I'm terrified he'll fall back into his ED (which he says he never had) or he'll shut me off completely.

I would appreciate any advice any has to offer.

Eccentrics · 03-03-2013, 01:32 AM

Hey there,

This does sound like a very difficult and upsetting situation indeed, and you really need to give yourself a pat on the back for wanting to help him and remember to take care of yourself too. It sounds like you're already doing a fantastic job encouraging him to open up and being supportive of him in any way you can, so do congratulate yourself. :) It can be very draining when somebody you love is depressed.

Apologies for not being very well informed, but what is it about your current home that he finds bad? It sounds to me like he is very distressed and feels like it would not be safe, or possible to settle in to your current home which is why he doesn't want to have things that would allow himself to. Is it a physical, justified reason (such as the house being in an unsafe area) or a psychological reason (such as the area being associated with bad things for him)?

If it is a physical reason, I think the first step would be eliminating (if possible) the things that most affect him before introducing some more homely items that would make him feel better. I'm not entirely sure what the situation is here so I can't really give any examples, but if you're not sure then don't be afraid to ask him what you could do to make things feel safer.

If it is a psychological issue, I think the best thing you could do is to gently ask him if he feels like he could use some extra/professional help. Find a nice comfortable time to tell him how you feel and ask honestly if he is struggling. You know him better than I do, so use your judgement as to how to go about this and whether to give a nudge or a shove! Do keep an eye on him though - if he is putting his health in danger and slipping back to an ED then I think you need to sit down and have a serious chat with him about your concern. I understand that might seem a little harsh, but it really is important for his safety and wellbeing that you get him the right help to nip it in the bud early!

If all else fails, it's not wrong to ask him out-right what he'd like you to do to help. Is he aware of how worried you are? Of course you know him better than I do, but maybe if he was aware how worried you are he would be more encouraged to open up and actively try and engage in your efforts to help him. You're definitely not a failure and I can sense from your post that you are very lovely and caring towards him. <3

Take care of yourself too and good luck,
- Holly <3

Fiddlesticks · 03-03-2013, 09:17 PM

Thank you. He says it's because the people I'm with aren't the type of people he wants to be around. They're lovely though, and I like where I am just now.. but I don't want it to affect his happiness as well. I'm not sure what I'm meant to do to eliminate the problem other than moving.. which I don't have money to do. He's too stubborn to accept professional help.. but I will try my best.

Thank you so much for your reply.

Eccentrics · 03-03-2013, 11:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xdreamchaserx

Thank you. He says it's because the people I'm with aren't the type of people he wants to be around. They're lovely though, and I like where I am just now.. but I don't want it to affect his happiness as well. I'm not sure what I'm meant to do to eliminate the problem other than moving.. which I don't have money to do. He's too stubborn to accept professional help.. but I will try my best.

Thank you so much for your reply.

Hmm... Personally I don't think that you should have to move just because he doesn't like the type of people you are with. I understand that you want him to be happy too though, which shows you are a very caring person. What is it about the people that he doesn't like? He does sound to be quite stubborn but I think ultimately he would eventually settle down if he realised he had too. Is it just very recently that you have moved or has this been going on for a while? Unless there is a legitimate reason for him to dislike the people and want to move away then I believe you shouldn't have to move just to make him happy, however if he is resorting to harmful things to deal with this then it really is important to get him some professional help. There's only so much you can do to combat psychological issues I'm afraid, and allowing him to avoid the things he dislikes wont help him in longterm!

I really think the best thing to do would be to sit down and talk it out to come to some sort of agreement or compromise. You really need to get to the bottom of this and find out what, apart from moving, can be done to help him feel more comfortable. Find a time when he is relaxed and comfortable and isn't likely to reject all suggestions!

Fiddlesticks · 04-03-2013, 09:54 AM

I think it's because recently the people who we are staying with also have her brother and his girlfriend staying who he describes as "scum" though they haven't done anything to him. He's also just started a new job so perhaps is stressed due to that. He seems very paranoid about me as well and says I'm simply going to "break his heart"... I shall speak to him though, and find out how best to deal with it. Thank you for all of your help.