I've been through a really rough couple of months. I think I'm better now, even though I don't think I'm completely well yet. The worse part is that I know it's going to happen again. One day I'll wake up, I'll feel great for a while, then this will happen again. I can't go through this alone again. I think I might be bipolar and that scares me. I think I need help, I should probably see a psychiatric or something.
The problem is, I don't know how to tell that to my patents. They're pretty happy, they know something's wrong with me but they don't suspect it's this bad. I don't want to trouble them, I don't want them to suffer because of me. But I don't see how could I manage to seek medical help without them knowing, so I will have to explain this to them. I just don't know how. There's no way in hell I'm going to explain to them how I've felt, they'd feel awful for me, even if I don't mention the suicidal thoughts. I can't just say I want to go to a psychiatric and don't explain why. And if I mention the word bipolar it will be the same as having explained what I've been through once they find out what that is. How can I tell them? And what if it turns out to be all in my head and I don't actually have anything? What then, after having explained all that to them? I don't feel as bad right now, after all. And even if I'm right and I should seek help, how can I make them go through that? How can I possibly say anything at all to them, and even if I do say it, what exactly do I say?
I can really sympathise with you. When I first began experiencing psychological problems, I feared opening up to my parents because I didn't want to worry them too much or change their perceptions of me.
I think the important thing to remember is that you do want help, and you feel that it is something you need. It then becomes a question of how to disclose enough information to your parents that they recognise your need for help, without causing you (and them) too much additional stress.
What is it that makes you think you are bipolar? It is often very risky to self-diagnose, as it is hard to accurately assess one's own mental health. I certainly don't think you need to tell your parents that you think you are bipolar - wait until an assessment before thinking about disclosing anything like that.
Perhaps describing some of your symptoms to them would be enough for them to help you seek help? Something like "You may have realised that I haven't been too happy lately. I don't want to worry you too much, but I've been having lots of mood swings and troubling thoughts and I think it would be helpful for me to speak to someone about it". They're likely to have further questions, but maybe have a think about what you're willing to tell them in order beforehand. That way you can be honest with them about your overall issues, but leave out more specific worrying details.
If it turns out that you don't have a diagnosis of bipolar, it doesn't mean it's all been in your head. You are obviously experiencing distress and it is affecting your life. If the psychiatrist is able to help you in any way, then it will be worthwhile. It's not about the label you get given, but how you approach your problems. Seeking help is a really brave and responsible thing, and if it turns out that things improve, then that's brilliant - it means it's worked! I'm sure your parents would rather you sought help than kept things quiet and remain unhappy for their sake.
Thank you for your answer. Really, I can't express how much I appreciate this. This post is long, but please read it too. I didn't plan on telling all this but since you asked I started writing and then I couldn't stop. You can skip paragraphs if you want, if you get the general picture then that's good enough.
Regarding why I think I might be bipolar please be assured that I'm not trying to diagnose myself, it's just that it seems consistent with what I've read but I know I need to see a professional to know exactly what's wrong with me. As for being worried about the possibility of this being just in my head that has always happened to me when I'm not feeling that bad. I can't help but think that I've being exaggerating, blowing things out of proportion in my mind. But then it happens again and I'm sure I'm not exaggerating. Until it goes away again. I wouldn't be able to seek help when I'm at my lowest, but it bothers me to do it when I'm not feeling that bad. I don't know what to say.
This is what makes me think I might be bipolar. I'm a very intelligent university student who gets good grades, is not very social and dedicates a lot of time to his hobbies. During the last few months I felt terribly bad, helpless. Nothing could make me feel better. I abandoned my hobbies. At night I couldn't sleep well, but I couldn't get out of the bed either, I spent countless hours laying there suffering more than resting. I walked my room from end to end time and time again, not wanting to go to bed because I knew I'd felt particularly bad on the morning. Most of the time I felt drained of energy, I just wanted to plummet to the ground. I couldnt do anything, and it started to affect everything. I couldn't concentrate in class or at home, I started to skip classes and spent hours locked in the bathroom. Eventually I failed most of my subjects with the lowest marks of my class. I also stopped seeing my friends, but that's a different matter. I didn't want to kill myself, but I couldn't stop having suicidal thoughts. This was not caused by any of the above problems, it started before there were any real consequences to all of this, it came out of nowhere. Even though I was feeling awful I acted as if everything was fine because I didn't want to cause problems to anyone. To this day nobody knows any of this.
Something similar had happened to me a bit less than a year ago. It didn't have any real consequence because it happened during a less delicate time, but I'm not sure if it was actually any better. One of the main differences was that then I did want to kill myself and made plans for it, but I got better without carrying them out. I had had more episodes like this in the past but I think you get the idea. Between those episodes I always had a period when I'm feeling well. Literally the best, brightest, happiest possible person in the world, making plans and whatnot. I'm more energetic and it seems like my head works on its own, I couldn't stop my own trails of thought. I had grandiose plans. Before this last episode I subscribed to a bunch of free courses, planning to learn a lot about history, geography, programming, theology, philosophy, mathematics, etc, all while being the best in my class at university and being at the top at the MMORPG I had just started playing. And taking Japanese classes and hanging out with my new friends. And while starting to play again an old board game I used to love, kind of like chess. I really did expected everything to go great (we were talking about me, after all, how could I fail?). But I couldn't really focus on anything and I stopped most of those things in a few weeks. Before that I had started to hang out with friends (a new thing for me), I even went on holiday to another country with two of them for a week. Well, there's more, but again you get the picture. Before last year's episode I had made plans to become the national champion of that board game I mentioned. Maybe even more. Before that it was the dream of going to live London. I couldn't actually do much, and I even had problems with trivial things, like watching a movie in one sitting, reading a book or studying.
I had never considered the possibility of being bipolar, I never had had a manic episode after all. But when I read more and thought about it I realized that maybe those periods of time when I'm at the top of the world are almost as wrong as those when I can't even bear with my own existence, since they may have been some sort of hypomania. I don't know, it seems like having bipolar disorder type II could be a real possibility. I'm not sure because not everything fits. For instance, during the last month my mood has being extremely unstable without going completely either way.
At any rate, even if it's not that there's still something wrong with me. I was definitely depressed, and it was not a one time thing, it's been going on for years. There have been times when it could have ended very badly, and it might end like that in the future if I don't do something while I feel well enough to do something. I don't want to trouble anyone, specially my family, but I think that right now it would be for the best. I'm just not sure about how to minimize the worries I'd cause them. I don't know how or what to say to them.
In the end I think I'll go on my own, without talking with them beforehand. Once I know more I'll tell them. I think I should go soon because I'm starting to question whether or not I should go. I guess I should talk to a psychiatric, right? Since I suppose anyone else would just tell me consult one. Or should I do something else? Is there somebody else I should talk to instead?
I read through your reply; things sound really difficult for you. I can understand why it's so hard trying to process years of fluctuating moods, especially when you've never opened up to anybody about this before.
As you know, nobody here can say whether or not you are suffering from bipolar disorder. It is clear, though, that these episodes of mood changes have had a huge impact on your life (academic, social, emotional). The fact that you've come so close to ending your life is very alarming.
It sounds as though when you're in the depths of despair you find it more difficult to reach out and access support. Whilst when you're feeling better it may feel somewhat redundant to seek help, it might just be the best time to get some monitoring in place. You have a really good awareness of your emotions and behaviours at different times in your life, and that's a good starting place for when you first meet with a professional.
As you are at university, there may be some kind of mental health support available to you through their student services. I see you are in Spain so I have no idea what the medical system is like, but as far as I am aware most universities can offer guidance to students on health-related matters. They might be able to refer you on or provide you with support, without your parents needing to know. Alternatively, you could see a psychiatrist separately from the university, but I don't know how easy that would be to do without your parents knowing.
With regards worrying about your parents' reactions, it sounds like speaking to them when you know more would be a good idea. Try not to cause yourself further stress by imagining what they might say; remember, it is natural to worry about loved ones who are suffering. It is highly unlikely that anything you say or do will prevent them from worrying entirely. What you can do (when the time is right) is provide them with information, reassure them that you have support in place, let them know what they can do to help and negotiate the extent to which you want to disclose your more troubling experiences.
If you want, I'll be happy to PM you at some point with how I've managed my relationship with my parents and my mental health diagnosis - but first, try and get some support in place.
