I hate me........ why can't I let myself be happy?

Strawberry Xs · 26-02-2013, 09:27 PM

So yeah, not really sure why i'm even writing this thread but the above pretty much sums it up.
I hate everything about myself and I am so tired and fed up of trying to make 'a life' when I'm not even worth it.
I used to cut, I don't now. I know lots of people will say that is positive and that I done well to stop - which at the time was bloody difficult - but now I still have the scars as a constant reminder, so what exactly have I achieved by stopping? I am still so unhappy, I can't seem to ever be able to lift it.
I decided to go to university last year (at the age of 25), everyone was like "oh that's so good you're trying to better yourself and make something of your life" - but why, I don't even really know what I want from it but it seemed like the right thing to do......... and I'm not really enjoying the experience that much either, though this year is better in some ways than last year it's certainly not the big "life changing" experience people bang on about. When I came I really wanted to enjoy it and be happy, fresh starts, be someone else, be relaxed, be confident etc etc, but NO - I just can't seem to let myself be happy, so instead I'm just further down into the pit of misery and back to wanting to jack everything in and spend all day hiding under the duvet like I did when I was 17.
I also binge eat now - whoop go me - I try not to admit it but I do, and I'm getting worse and my clothes are getting too tight and I feel awful and guilty and fat, and half the time I'm conscious of what I'm doing, I just don't stop - what's the point?
And relationships, I don't even know where to start on that one, I'm with someone but there may be someone else and I really don't have a clue what/who I want - I should be by myself because I'm really not the best person to be in a relationship with, if they even saw this post they'd both run a mile anyway!
I have a p/t job but I don't like that either, I know I need the money and that's just another issue in itself - constantly worrying about having no money, then spending it on junk food to stuff into my face.
I am just so fed up of myself - I can't seem to be able to let myself be happy, it's like some part of me thrives on the misery, I don't even know what happy is or means anymore. I have tried but I just can't do it, I need to get away from me. I'm never going to be a person I like, how could and why should anyone else like me either.
I just hate me, inside and out.............

Pi.R^2 · 28-02-2013, 10:33 PM

I'm sorry you're feeling so negative about yourself. I know it's hard, but can you find something you like about yourself? Even if it's your hair colour, the fact that you are ace at solitaire, or anything really!

It is positive that you've stopped cutting, I think. Yes, you still have scars, but they will fade in time, and you aren't making new scars any more. You no longer have the utter faff of wound care. You're no longer controlled by a destructive behaviour.

University really isn't all it's cracked up to be! Is there anything about university you enjoy? Is the course OK? What about clubs and societies?

Do you know what has triggered you to start binge eating?

Hmm, I imagine that's a difficult position with your relationship. Do you feel like maybe this other person is just exciting and new, as opposed to someone you actually have legit feelings for?

Strawberry Xs · 01-03-2013, 01:14 PM

Hi, thanks for the reply.

I really can't, not one thing and I'm sitting here trying to think of something. I just feel sorry for anyone who has to ever talk to or see me on any given day becuase it can't be a good experience.

I have some scars that are 10 years old and they've not faded at all, none of them have. Not having new scars is one of the reasons I managed to stop, as I realised how much I hated them.

I have a couple of good friends I've made, so I suppose that's a good thingm but other than that uni is crap. I had to pick modules for my 2nd and 3rd years yesterday and I just had no interest.

I've always been someone who 'eats' well, I think it's just the lonliness and boredom that makes me eat so much...... I'm not really sure.

I think the 'exciting and new' thing could be more correct yeah, the attention is nice. But I'm not sure, because he is a really nice guy and I think I could develop feelings at some point.....

Arrgghh I'm just so confused and lost at the moment, I've been writing to a counsellor but I'm not all that sure how helpful it has been, I don't really feel much better now than when I started.