This split in me is very painful. I never really felt it or recognised it so clearly before.
Pushing people away at the same time as wanting closeness aches.
I'm 'working on' overcoming/balancing this/getting more meaningful connections with people.
But, oh God, it hurts.
I'm doing my best with things - reocognising and being with the feelings, trying to be as social as I can [even though it really is painful at times], and also trying to be as 'appropriate' as I can ie not super clingy or super hostile.
Anyone else experience this?
How do you manage/live with it?
It sounds like you're doing a great job by getting out and socialising even when you don't feel like it.
I often get similar feelings of being torn between wanting everyone to leave me alone and live the rest of my life never speaking to a single soul, and wanting to be surrounded by people (I hope that's a vaguely accurate interpretation of what you were saying!).
It's a tricky one! I find it helpful to remember that people will still be there tomorrow, and it's OK to take a step back every now and again, as long as I don't hide for too long. Last night and today I felt completely overwhelmed by the simple thought of other people existing (even though they weren't in the same room as me or anything), and I managed to distance myself from a lot of things without feeling guilty, whilst looking after my need to not be completely alone by occasionally popping in for a hug from Jodie, and texting one of my best friends. Sometimes it's about finding a balance and being able to distance yourself to an acceptable degree when you need some quiet time to just take care of yourself and only talk to people who you don't need to put up a front for, if that even makes sense?
I am experiencing this very acutely at the moment with my boyfriend.
I truly love him, but I don't want him near me. At the same time I desperately DO want him to be beside me. I want to push him away but then I want his comfort. It's ripping me apart.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
It's a tough one to cope with. I am lucky to have someone that bounces back like a spring when I try to push him away. I try my best to let him know gently when I need that distance and he respects that. Sometimes I just don't want to be touched, hugged or loved by him so I seek solace in others.
I'm sorry, it's not really advice. You just need to let people know when you close those doors again for a while and reassure them that you just need a little space.
I'm not exactly a social butterfly, but I'm doing better than I was in my previous place, and am more outgoing and assertive. Especially with maintenance issues etc. I'm less deeply withdrawn.
And I guess, what comes with that is realising and seeing what I've been missing all my life. But other people can feel very scary and intimidating/threatening to all my emotionally traumatised 'bits'. Terrified of getting hurt all over again, hostile withdrawal became a huge defence. Which I am confronting now. But in itself that is a lot of work, and I have to take care of me as too much out social stuff can get overwhelming when I'm not used to it. I do need lots of quiet me alone time. It's navigating it so that I don't get desperately lonely.
Like everyone else, I need people, that's how we're programmed. It's just
a] I have an innate ultra sensitivity due to early trauma
and
b] due to the bullying at school and a dictatorial home life, I 'learned' that people hurt me, that's what they do, so best to push them away and have some control.
I also have a job that is sometimes exceptionally demanding - libraries can be so much like day centres for the vulnerable in all senses of the word.. Which can be draining, but I'm getting better at containing and compartmentalising myself.
In the quiet alone time that I absolutely need to replenish and recharge, that's when the loneliness and longing and grief bites.
I'm glad you're managing to be more outgoing and assertive! I hope that's a change that will continue and you'll settle in well to your new place and make some new friends :)
This is quite a weird angle to take, but in terms of being hurt and being scared of being hurt, I've learnt that one way to overcome that is to simply ignore your instincts telling you to back away. I am a ridiculously trusting person and that means I've let far too many bad people into my life, but if I'd given up and shut people out, I wouldn't be where I am today, in a loving relationship and having fantastic friends. It's the scariest thing you'll ever do, but allowing yourself to trust in spite of the screaming voice telling you not to, is very often worth it.
I am taking steps every day. Even when it feels awkward. But at least I'm trying. Things like sitting waiting in the launderette and chatting randomly with people is something I would NEVER have done before! And I'm doing a heck of a lot more trusting - even things like having my own internet set up in my name etc, allowing maintenance man around, all those things, are huge steps out of paranoid central for me.
Just, I have no 'intimate' relationships. I relate more with people now, form connections, and am making a tentative connection with my neighbour, and lasting bonds really with the folks in writing group and my colleagues at work.
