*triggering* The psychologist asked if I wanted to get better...

snowy_owl · 17-02-2013, 11:18 PM

...and I told her that I wanted to want that. That was true when I told her that on Friday afternoon. But Friday night, I didn't want that, I just wanted the pain to stop, for me and for my family, however possible.

It's Sunday evening now, and I don't want to get better right now. I don't even want to want that. I'm just tired and cold and sad all the time, and I want to be left alone to die.

I have an appointment with the psychologist tomorrow afternoon (Monday) and again on Thursday afternoon. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Friday afternoon.

I don't know how to tell them that sometimes I just don't want to get better. Why waste their time, if I don't want to get better? Why waste my parents' time and money? (They pay for my treatment, and I live with them.) Everyone keeps saying -- with regard to me and others -- that there's no helping people who don't help themselves, and that if people have made up their minds to self-destruct, there's no stopping them.

Most of the time I don't have hope for myself. I'm not ready to give up, not yet. I don't want people to give up on me. I know I ask so much of them, and give back nothing, and they must be at least as tired and hurt as I am. I know it's not fair to ask them to carry me when they've been carrying me for 23 years. But I don't want them to give up on me, even if I've mostly given up on myself.

whirlpools · 17-02-2013, 11:27 PM

Maybe it would be helpful for you and your psychologist to discuss what it is that stops you from wanting to get better, or, indeed, what would need to change for you to want to get better. This gives a starting point for some work to be done.

When I first started therapy, I couldn't imagine getting better. I didn't think things could ever change. In fact, it took a long time for me to start to want to get better. I'm a firm believer that, whilst someone is still alive, there is hope and things can change.

trechu · 17-02-2013, 11:32 PM

You said "sometimes I don't want to get better". That implies that sometimes you do? I definitely agree you should discuss this with your psychologist. Sometimes not wanting to get better is related to fear - fear of change or of losing your way of coping. Ideally though, therapy will give you other ways of coping, and it will be very gradual. Nobody expects things to change overnight. I think it's quite common to sometimes not want to get better, and I think your psychologist will understand this.

snowy_owl · 18-02-2013, 02:24 AM

Yeah, sometimes I do want to get better. I guess that's probably a better way to look at it than worrying that imperfection means everyone will give up on me.

I'm still not sure if I want to reach out to my friends... or if they'll just think I'm being manipulative/attention-seeking... how do you even tell someone that you're seriously considering ending your life sometimes? Part of me feels like it'd be great to talk to them, and part of me feels like I'd only be making things so much worse.

Patent Pending · 18-02-2013, 10:31 AM

Hi there,

I often go in cycles of wanting to get better, then deciding I don't and going into self-destruct mode. I think it's fairly normal during recovery. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself.

By the sounds of it you do want to get better, maybe VERY deep down, but the will is there. Often we find that while we're suffering we can't see a way we CAN be better...but I'll bet the mental health support you have will be able to see it in you. The reason they ask if you want to is because they need to know that even if you don't know how to help yourself you need to be willing to go along with whatever care they agree with you is best?

I'll bet that you are by no means the first person they've seen who sometimes wants to get better but sometimes doesn't, and I'll bet more that you won't be the last. Mental health professionals will understand this and I think it's important for you to discuss it openly with them.

If you feel that you want to speak with your friends about it I think it's a good idea; but I also understand why you think you might be judged. People often don't understand MH so label people as attention seeking/manipulative. Maybe you could write it in a message or letter explaining how you feel and about some of the dark thoughts? Or maybe print off some information from the main site about supporting/helping someone with suicidal/selfharm etc feelings?

Take care.

x x x