I met K in 2008, in Amsterdam. We were friends/ more than for a while, then I moved back to Edinburgh and she moved back to Canterbury. She visited once, then I met a girl, she met a boy, we fell out of touch, largely because my new g.f. disapproved of my talking to someone with whom I had cheated on her.
When I moved back to London, I decided it was time to re-link with everyone who had been important to me. I called K, came to visit a few times, and with encouragement I finally found it in me to apply for an M.A. and got funding to come here.
In December, we got together. Finally. And it’s a long story but she was in a complex not-necessarily-romantic/ sexual relationship with someone and she assured me it was a platonic one. Let’s call that person T.
Again, complex and too detailed.
The day after New Year (I blogged about New Years Day and the horrific hallucinations I had), K sent me a Facebook message to tell me we shouldn’t be together, that I would distract her from her studies and that I would never sort out my drinking or medications if we stayed together. It hurt but I realised, if you’re such close friends with someone, that shouldn’t really matter. And yes, the 2nd is the day before my birthday, but I overlooked it. Whatever.
Then I was hospitalised. And I texted K to say I was in hospital and considering quitting the M.A. and she basically said I was a waste of a scholarship. I said some very unkind things back- a mixture of being ill and just not being nice, as posted about before- and she blocked my phone number. Then there was a long period where she couldn’t even bring herself to let me drop off her stuff to her, so our friends had to act as go-betweens. And five years disappeared and on a tiny campus I’ve seen her just twice (time 2 to be discussed below) and I regret the things I said but
I then got with Y, who I have had a complex on/off/friends/notfriends relationship with, largely caused by greatly differing attitudes to sex and my unwillingness to risk my distinction for romance. Yep. I know. It’s a strange relationship, but I’m in it, and I like it. We spent a day and a half in London together, I showed her places I used to hang out (Camden Town, etc) and felt like things were quite nice.
But last night on the bus with Y, I saw K lean over to T, and kiss her neck. I think she saw me as she got on the bus, and did that so I would see. Anyway, it seems as though their complexity has turned into something simpler. It feels as though I’m dispensable. I really always knew it. And it’s evil but I have never wished the best for a couple less than I do for them right now, presuming that they even are one. I cried for over an hour, felt a bit bruised.
Running to The Killers helped a bit though.
