I just wanted to post a note to say that recovery is possible no matter how impossible that may seem.
The thing is, it takes time and that time is different for everyone. Its not like a cold or a broken bone where fairly accurate estimations of healing can be given. There is no anecdotal evidence that most people 'get over it' in a few weeks or so, just like they would a virus. Recovery is very personal and its timescale is non determinable. Of course, things can be done to speed up the process, but ultimately it is something that just 'is'.
Recovery for me was something i dreaded. It was something i went out of my way to avoid and sabbotage. For me recovery meant entering the world i left behind with all the new terrors and fears i had accrued a long the way. For me recovery was the most terrible thing i could ever imagine. I was also an impossibility.
In 2009/2010 i was handed a lifeline by the MHT and given a rather pushy OT. She to said to me from the off that i was in recovery and i hated her for saying that. I never felt i was in recovery and even though she said it was the start, i felt like it was the end.
In Jan 2012 i was signed off from services. I was well into recovery even though i didn't really 'feel' it. However, i had started to feel more like 'Matthew' again. My interest in things was returning. I was starting to cycle more and more and began to notice that this affected my mood greatly. I also took the responsibility of making the bacon at the farm where i volunteered and realised that i loved it. They let me do the monthly farmers markets and i found i had a natural talent for selling.
In Jan 2012 i also dropped back to the weight i was before my breakdown in 2005. I rooted through my wardrobe and found all the clothes i used to wear and i could FIT INTO THEM! (Woohoo). I can not tell you how much this helped!
For the first time in 7 years i could see and feel possibilities again. I could actually, for brief moments, contemplate a future that was positive and not just about death.
2012 saw a big change in my health, but it was a slow and gradual change. It was painful too. I didn't just snap out of the stupor and feel great. I still wobbled and stumbled and i still found life extremely hard. My anxiety was still a major factor and my expectation was still too high. The depressions still came but they were much much shorter and less debilitating. I was finally learning to recognise the symptoms and act on them quickly. I was learning to be kind to myself.
I have been self harm free for well over a year now. Probably two years if i discount 'minor' slips. Living without it is liberating but difficult. The urges still come and temptation is often there. Now, instead of cutting i try and go for a ride or i go to the farm and mess around with bacon.
The thing i learned most in this time is that i am not the same person i was before. I am learning to accept i have limitations. I am learning that i do get stressed and that its not my fault. I am learning that i really was poorly and that i wasn't making it up. Accepting the new me is wierd. I forget sometimes and get mad with myself, but i am mindful of where i am and who I am. I am also mindful of the time it takes.
I have to take baby steps where i want to take giant leaps. This concept is difficult for me but it works. I have to realise that i cant set time as my goal any more but, instead, i just take a few days at a time. I heal different from others. We all heal differently!
Now its 2013 and in the short time i have been making bacon i have already won my first gold medal for my Pancetta. I am a volunteer walk leader for Walking For Health, i have started volunteering with MIND and i have also started to volunteer for my MHT to help develop a Peer Support role. It is my aim to make the best bacon i can and to help raise awareness and reduce stigma related to mental health.
I am not fixed by any means. I still go to therapy every two weeks and i still struggle. It still takes me weeks or months to pluck up the courage to do things most find simple and i still cry a lot. I still get frustrated with myself and i still want to be fixed now and be perfect. I know its not going to happen though. I know my path is going to be slower than most and i know that my road is more bumpy than id like it to be.
It's taken me 7 years and 4 months to be able to write this. I hope, if you read this, you won't take so long to get here, but if you do, its ok!
One thing that hasn't changed is my love of all things BOOB! I am also still a loon!
Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
A penquin post. It's good to hear things are going in the right direction for you 
.gif "rose")
