Alone

[Forever alone]

Is there anyone out there?

Hello

My name is Katie, I live in NSW Australia. I have just discovered this sight and thought it might be helpful to talk to someone.

I have had anorexia for 17yrs. I have also been diagnosed with severe anxiety, major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder. To me though, these are meaningless labels that the Drs use to try and describe what they feel is wrong with me.

I have spent a lot of time in hospital, have been on medication ever since I can remember and am still undergoing intensive treatment with my GP, dietician, psychiatrist and psychologist. So why is nothi g working?

I still feel so incredibly alone. I live in a household of 7 people bit I don't really exist. Noone understands. My Dr is worried but I can't bring myself to tell her how dark my thoughts are again. I don't want to go back to hospital.

Why do I feel the insatiable need to self harm? Worse still, why is this no longer enough? I've had too many suicide attempts to count and each one has made me feel worse. Not only have a failed in life, but I failed to end it as well. So why can't I move on? Why do I still want to die?

I don't understand myself so how can I begin to explain it to others? I just don't know what to do anymore.

I need help desperately but I don't know how to ask for it

[Patent Pending]

Hi Katie.

First of all; welcome to RYL :) I hope you find this site helpful and supportive.

All of the things you've described in your post back be very isolating and can make you feel very alone - but I hope simply by looking around this site and the forums you know that's not true. You're in no means alone.

It's hard to reach out and ask for help when things have been going on as long as they have been for you. It can be hard to explain things to doctors without them simply throwing another diagnosis at you; however I think you've taken the first step at reaching out to us here, so well done :)

Have you thought about maybe writing down how you're feeling for you doctor etc? Sometimes it's easier to explain how you're feeling, especially when it comes to the dark thoughts from depression or suicidal thoughts, by writing it all down before an appointment and either letting them read it or reading it out to them?

Do you socialise at all with the people in your household? They might not understand exactly what you're going through or how you're feeling but it might simply help to have someone to distract you when the dark thoughts start or to simply let them know you're struggling? Many of my friends don't understand what I am going through but simply saying to them 'I am doing badly at the moment' is enough to let them know I need a hug/distraction/someone to vent to etc.

I hope you find help within this site and you're able to reach out to your doctor.

If you ever want to talk, please feel free to PM me anytime.

x x x x

[Forever alone]

I write poetry to express what is in my head and my Dr reads it. She is the only one who reads it. It's dark and it scares the **** out of me. My poetry has landed me in hospital more then once. But there are times when I can't bring myself to write. I was in ICU a couple of months ago after a particularly bad day. I had tried to tell my medical team prior to this and got nowhere. My Dr was concerned, my psychiatrist knew I was bad, but they didn't know how bad I was because I couldn't tell them. Why is it so hard to simply say I'm ready to die and I need your help or that's exactly what is going to happen? I remember my mother coming to see me at the hospital afterwards. She told me how selfish I was and how angry she was with me. She then told me I best go back to sleep before she says something she regrets. I'm not sire if she understands to this day that what she said and the look on her face just made me wish I had died. My whole family would clearly be happier and better off without the burden of me in their lives.

I live at home with my mother, her husband and my three little brothers and little sister. I speak to my mum, but never honestly. I always tell her I'm fine even when I know I'm not. I wear a mask 24/7. The mask changes to suit who I'm with, but it's never me. I get scared when I'm alone as I can look in the mirror and see the truth. Cold, dark, empty eyes. I'm here but I'm really not. I have all the right things, organs, blood, breath but there is no soul. Nothing to make me human or feel alive. I simply exist because I have no choice. My siblings try to talk to me but I'm always tired or cranky. Whenever their father is around though I don't exist. He hates me and tells the kids that I'm not really their sister (I'm their 1/2 sister) and that they aren't to have anything to do with me. It's hard. I hate him, I hate my life, I hate ME!!

I wish I knew what to do. How to act. How to be normal and happy like everyone else. But I don't. I have given up trying. I now simply wait. For what, I don't know. All I know is that those little voices are getting louder and more persistent and are becoming increasingly difficult to ignore

[PassedExpectations]

if your mom thought she would be better off without you, she would not have been mad at your suicide attempt. her anger shows that she loves you and needs you, and can't imagine not having you, and she probably feels really hurt that you would try to take yourself away from them...