Graphic - loosing it. Dying is so tempting

[LotusandDice]

Why am I so unstable? During the day I can make do with how I feel, usually. But at night, I'm getting these thoughts. I'm cutting again and I want to go much deeper. I want to get needles and drain my blood until I can't stand. I've formed a plan that should make pretty sure I go away. Should be both painfull and effective which is perfect.

It's getting more and more tempting. It's like I'm two different persons, and the one at night is who I'm afraid of, when all these thoughts are creeping into my mind. I've got to be fucked up. Cutting feels so good. I deserve it.

I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, but all these thoughts seem more remote during the day and get harder to talk about. I want help, but I want to die.

[GossipGirl-xoxo]

Hey keep strong you've done so well! Don't give it all up yet.
I think you should wait and talk to your doctor. He might be able to help you.
You can do this. Just to to stay strong.
Lots of hugs

(sorry only just noticed this should have noticed this earlier)

xxxxx

[LotusandDice]

No it's ok, I just posted it a little while ago and posts get buried easily.

I'm gonna wait and talk to my doctor. I want to make it, but I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Cliche, but I am.

[GossipGirl-xoxo]

I feel exactly the same but if I can hold on so can you. We can do this together. :)

[LotusandDice]

I know.. thanks :)

I just wish it was possible to shoot myself in the head at night and wake up rested the day after.

[GossipGirl-xoxo]

Im the exact same.
Sorry I haven't got anymore words. My heads abit full right now.
xxxx

[LotusandDice]

It's ok I'm the same. I ddon't even know what to write. When I turn off the lights and try to sleep again, I wake up again. I want to handle this but i'm so sick of this fight every day. my head hurts, my arm hurts, I'm whining like an idiot.

Thanks for your words :)

[GossipGirl-xoxo]

Its okay I just know I feel the same and im glad to know someone feels the same :)

[LotusandDice]

so am i:)

[freakangel]

I'm sorry that you are struggling so much but good job on saying your going to hold on until you go to your doctors tomorrow. Could you maybe write down about how much you are struggling that way it might be easier to share with him/her. Sometimes you know when stuff is going on around us and what not it is easier to keep busy and we don't focus on certain things. Unfortunately when things slow down the tend to come back and they are hard to deal with. Be strong, I hope the doctor can help you. Take care.

[LotusandDice]

I've pushed all my problems away and tried to focus on other things for way too long. It's time to deal with this, because when I'm at work thinking about how wonderfull it would be to put the nailgun to my head it's gone too far.

I'm confused and I don't trust myself at times, but I'm just gonna try to tell my doctor exactly how I feel. I don't think I could write it down, it'll be easier to talk. I hope.

Thanks for your support, I'm heading for the doctor in about half an hour and fuck I just realised I'm nervous about this.