They don't understand

[one_step_closer]

When I first left hospital after a three month admission and lots of medication changes I felt ok. I thought I could cope with things due to the ok feelings that were going on. Pretty soon my mood became lower again. Every time I tell people that i'm not ok inside they say i'm functioning well, like I can't be struggling because I go for my medication most days and meet with a support worker most days.

I'm really, really struggling with dissociation/depersonalisation/suicidal feelings. I've tried phoning the voluntary crisis team but last night the guy said he couldn't understand me because I was talking about the men in my head and dissociation and the other world. Today I didn't get to talk because the lady who answered the phone wouldn't let me get a word in. When I started seeing the support worker we made a plan and one of the things I requested was that no one say to me that I have been through this before so I can get through it again, because each distressing time is different from the previous ones. Despite this, tonight I was told that i've been through this before.

I don't know what to do if the suicidal feelings get worse. Every time I feel suicidal I get closer to going through with it. The last time the police got me in time, so what's next on the scale? I'm not allowed to be admitted to hospital when i'm suicidal and unsafe. Maybe this is because i've been suicidal for years and haven't succeeded yet. My first psychiatrist wrote in my notes that since I haven't completed suicide my 'true intent is suspect.' They don't even seem to understand how painful it is to feel suicidal, how low you have to be to get to that place.

When I try to reach out to people I don't have the words to let them know how I feel. Writing is easier for me but sometimes I can't even do that. I'm feeling alone again. I cut myself but it didn't help. I need to get my brother out of my life because I want to die, so, so much. Nothing is helping me to feel better. Maybe I could overdose again, but no matter what I OD on my prescription meds might be stopped in case I OD on them. I can't do this any more. No one in my treatment team is listening to me.

[Too Shy]

I can hear how difficult things are for you right now, and I'm sorry things feel so bad.

It sounds very frustrating for you to be trying to explain to people how much you're struggling, and for them not to take that seriously and give you the support you need. Have you got an advocate, or anybody who can help you to get your side across and support you with that?

Can you think of anything that might have contributed to your mood getting lower again? And was there anything in hospital that helped you to start feeling a bit more ok again?

It is an incredibly painful feeling to be so low that you're considering suicide, and I'm sorry that they're not acknowledging that and helping you with it. Would it be worth looking at changing your treatment team or trying a new kind of treatment?

The crisis team don't sound like they've been too helpful for you, but keep trying to ask them for help if you're struggling, do try to keep talking to people. Writing things down sounds like a good idea if that's easier for you - if you can't find the words, maybe you could just try to write out the thoughts you're having, or even just the key words in your mind.

If the suicidal feelings get worse and you feel like you're going to act on them, please do ask for help. If it comes to it, even the police can be very helpful. Would going to A&E if those feelings get worse be a possibility? Even if they won't admit you, it might be that they can help you to stay safe during the initial crisis.

Take care xx

[one_step_closer]

I don't know what to do. I feel like I really am going backwards. Lots of familiar feelings are coming back. I'm not sure who to turn to because I feel like no one listens to me. I tried to phone my CPN but she was out visiting someone. I could have phoned the crisis team tonight but I was too scared and they're usually not helpful anyway.

I hate everything about me and this life. I'm feeling suicide again and I know my last plan would have worked if the police hadn't turned up so I know if I do it again then it will work. There's nothing I can do to stop this from building up and up and up until I can't cope. I've been self harming and rocking trying to soothe myself but i've never been good at self soothing.

I need to get to where I belong. Although the men in my head are no longer there I still believe that they are around somewhere and i'm supposed to be with them. I can't continue to live.

[Pomegranate]

What would happen if you did fight for life and continue to live? What would the alternative to what you're doing now look like? You've said in previous posts that you feel cared for and even crave being in hospital. Do you do things during the day? See friends etc?

I think the fact you can feel better shows at least some form of recovery or at least improvement is possible. You say nobody will admit you because of your notes and yet you were IP for three months?

What do you do to help yourself?