Ok, I'm going to start with the positives, its the 29th Jan and the last time I cut was the week before christmas. I'm trying to stay cut free this year and so far I have succeeded.
But, last week and this weekend have been really hard, and right now I'm feeling very lonely, forgotten, lost and out of control. I don't trust myself and I don't know what I will do. I'm urging to cut and I'm slightly suicidal. I have a lot of pills here and tools to cut with, and I just don't feel safe. I really don't know what to do or who to turn to. I just don't want to be alone. I wish I had someone to wrap their arms around me and hold me, but there is no-one. I just...I dunno. I need people. I'm slipping again and I hate it, I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to fight to live, I'm fed up. I want to be able to enjoy life but every time things seem to be going okay, something goes wrong and flips me right back to where I was again. I just...help?
sorry if this makes no sense, my head is all over the place and i dont know what to do
Thanks for the reply :) I feel more in control this morning, but I'm still thinking too much.
The trigger was that I went to stay at my mum's on Saturday night (I live on my own), and she is the main cause of the problems I have had growing up. She is emotionally abusive and has put me through hell, so being back in that house with just her and my brother (her husband was away) was just a huge trigger of every bad memory.
The only professional I have is my Dr, who I can only see occasionally. The best I can get for a quick response is asking her to ring me, and she will ring back within a couple of hours. Oh I also see a psychiatrist once every couple of months.
I try to spend time with friends often, it was my new year's resolution to go out more :P I started off well, because a lot of planned meals and stuff happened earlier in the month, but as of last week the outings stopped and everyone is too busy to go out because they have work or families or stuff like that. I'm spending my days trying to keep busy, and doing that pretty much every day or every week is so bloody difficult. I've just had enough.
Firstly, well done for not cutting since before Christmas, that's a great achievement and you should be very proud of yourself for that. :)
How are you feeling today?
It sounds very difficult going to stay with your mum when she's emotionally abusive with you, so it's understandable that you're struggling at the moment. Is there anybody you can talk to about those feelings and what happened in the past?
Maybe you could try to organise a day in a few weeks when you could see your friends, so that you've got that to look forward to even if everyone's busy right now. When you say you're spending your days trying to keep busy too - are you giving yourself time to just relax too? Keeping busy can be good to distract yourself, but your mind needs time to just rest as well. Could you schedule watching a film, or reading a book, or doing something else that you enjoy into your day as well?
I think phoning your GP sounds like it would be a good idea if you're struggling with the urges and feeling unsafe. Keep talking as much as you need to, and I hope things start to feel easier soon,
scheduling down time into your days is something that i think is a good idea (and something that i need to do right now too). often life can get going so fast that there isn't any spontaneous down time, we have to actually plan for it in advance.
that is a great new years resolution :) i would try and remember that naturally there are some times when people (including you) are swamped and don't have time to hang out. that isn't anyone's fault, and isn't necessarily a bad thing if it only happens in small bursts. don't see yourself as "failing' your resolution if there is a week or two that you're just too busy to meet up.
how do you get along with your brother? maybe he could help keep you afloat when your at your mom's
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Again thanks for the replies everyone. When I say I'm keeping busy, I mean I'm doing everything I can to make the day pass, including playing games, reading, writing, watching films, etc. Most of the stuff isn't very taxing.
Also I can't lean on my brother because he is only 11. I only stayed with my mum for one night, but it really triggered me and now I can't seem to get over it. I just keep thinking about everything and it is really painful :(
maybe you would feel better if you kept busy with some sort of longer term project that had a purpose and a goal, so that you could feel like you're going somewhere instead of just finding ways to use up time
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Im sorry your feeling so bad at the minute.
I have no words to say right now but big hugs.
You are a lovely, kind strong person and you will get through this
xxx
Im too tired to listen.
Im too old to believe
All these childish stories
There is no such thing as Faith&Trust&Pixiedust
Happiness can be found in the darkest of places.
If only one remembers to to turn on the light.
Thank you again for all the support, it is really nice to get so many replies!
Seeing the psychologist helped a lot, she was brilliant and I have improved a lot since then, but things still aren't right..and the only support I have is my GP. My support worker got made redundant in December with a day's notice, and it really messed me around. I have spoken to my Dr about getting more support and she contacted the CMHT but they haven't done much because I have an open case with the psychiatrist. They see that as enough, all they said was that I can ring them during normal working hours.
