another coping strategy? Or is this normal?

Revival · 28-01-2013, 01:26 PM

Hi RYL, I know that I haven’t been on here in a long time, but I could use some advice.

I will probably end up ranting a bit here but will try and keep it as clear and concise as I can.

Excuse this next bit it is very “woe is me,” I am just putting it here as an explanation of where I am coming from.

Since I started self harming at the age of 14 I have always seemed to cope with overwhelming feelings using negative “coping” mechanisms. It was self harm, then overdosing then anorexia which turned into bulimia… so basically I have done a lot of stupid **** in my life

I have spent most of my time since I was 18 in and out of hospitals but am SO ready to move on!

A few years ago when I was in the midst of my eating disorder I got private health insurance and went into a specialized eating disorders unit – best thing I have ever done. It has taken a hell of a long time but I am now well through the worst of my problems, being many months free from self harm apart from one slip up 4 months ago and now over 3 months purge free with one small slip up. No serious self harm for a couple of years and no suicide attempts for well over a year, possibly 2!

Anyway I’ve gone off on a tangent, sorry I will try and get back on track and stop moaning. I am 26 this week and doing the best I have been since this all started. Recently however I have been getting more concerned with having things organised and clean than I have been. I recognised that this may be becoming a problem about a month ago and spoke to my psychiatrist who mentioned OCD and recommended that I keep an eye on it and try to challenge myself in small ways. I have been doing this and thought that I was coping a lot better, but tonight things have come to a head and I am now a bit more concerned and also confused.

I was asked to find something by a family member which I had borrowed, so I started looking through my room which was fine at first. But after awhile I started getting very stressed and upset about moving things around having things different to how they were. Ended up in tears, and I have realised that the degree to which I was getting upset really is not normal.
After having my mini meltdown I tried going back to my room and leaving things the way they were but was unable to and had to tidy and vacuum before I could settle down and come onto my laptop.

Ok, so if you’ve gotten this far THANKYOU, and I presume that like me youre thinking about possible OCD traits. But what confuses me is that I can handle clothes in my wardrobe being messy and the dusting not being done, but not the wardrobe being open… am I making any sense at all? So how can I have something resembling OCD if not everything bothers me? I am NOT the cleanest person ever and have been a complete slob until recently, so could this be my way of coping now?

I now think that by writing all this down I have pretty much answered my own question about if I have OCD traits, I think I have been in a bit of denial until now, and am also terrified of getting another label after having so many over the years.

So, I guess my question is if I DO have OCD traits, what can I do about it? I forgot to mention that my psychiatrist who I have been seeing weekly since I was 19 (even when in hospital as he runs the eating disorders program) has gone on 3 months long service leave as of a few weeks ago, and though I haven’t consciously been upset about it I am wondering if I am more stressed than I think.

I am seeing an outreach worker from the EDP (eating disorders program) who knows me very well weekly, and am unsure whether to mention this to her or not as even though she is a psych nurse it is not her area of expertise.

I also have a psychologist but we had a pretty bad session at the end of last year and I haven’t been back since so don’t know if I could go there.
Sorry I know I have rambled WAY too much, I just kept remembering things that may be relevant and I guess I may have needed to let some of this out.

If you have gotten through all of this bless you!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated,

Snow White. · 28-01-2013, 01:37 PM

Hi Ally,

Lovely yo see you sweet but sorry you're struggling. This is going to be a bit short I am afraid as I am in desperate need of going off to bed.

I found this really interesting to read because recently, I've been going through a similar thing of noticing an increase in myself of 'OCD-traits', but in a different manner to you as mine has been an increase in things like hand washing.

I suppose you may not need to treat it as another disorder or label, but instead some behaviours that are indicating you are stressed. I often think of these things as ways to try and control anxiety so I expect you may be having an increase of anxiety - both in the notion of another label, or because your psychiatrist is away.

Is there anything else you can do to try and do ease your anxiety?

There's some good advice around here about OCD, particularly from PassedExpectations about Exposure Response Prevention (mentioned here). It might be worth giving it a google and seeing if you can try and do things to reduce your anxiety after exposing yourself to something 'triggering' (ie. cupboard door open) but reduce it in a healthy way, like deep breaths for instance and see how that goes.

I do think it is an anxiety issue so worth discussing with your support staff that you feel comfortable opening up with.

However, I don't think it means you're going backwards or even that it needs to get more severe for you either so I am really glad you've made this thread to reach out for help, and I congratulate you on how well you're coming in recovery from SI and ED.

Much love to you.
Aimee xx

Lemur · 28-01-2013, 01:40 PM

I was going to read and run but then there's not much point in doing that! I think you should mention it to your nurse, it may not be her area of expertise but she may be able to suggest something helpful. I have a bit of an obsessive personality, so I can relate in a slight way. But mine is that I'll get obsessed with something and go through phases, it was drawing all the time, then making string bracelets, making sock animals, then buying nail art related things, then painting my nails. I know they all sound like 'normal' things; but I was doing them ALL the time, and doing nothing else. But it's just a part of me I've learnt to accept. What I'm saying is that not all OCD type traits is a bad thing, they can be managed and be something you can live with. Just mention it to your nurse and see what she says. :) xx

Revival · 28-01-2013, 01:52 PM

Thankyou so much Aimee and Jessy for reading and for your very helpful replies.

Aimee I will definately have a look at that link in a sec, I really like the idea of exposure therapy, I have been trying something similar but not doing a very good job lol :/

Jessy thank you also for taking the time to reply. I will mention it to my nurse and see what she thinks but I also like trying to see it as not such a bad thing, I guess it's when it starts to affect my life negatively I will have to recognize that.

Snow White. · 28-01-2013, 02:42 PM

Katie explains it really well again here in another thread.

recoveryourlife.com/forum/showpost.php?p=3470334&postcount=3

I agree its worth monitoring in case it begins to get more impactful.
Hope you're okay xx

PassedExpectations · 28-01-2013, 04:22 PM

ocd doesn't have to impact everything or make sense. i had severe ocd at one point, with ordering and arranging... yet my room was a mess because it took so much energy to clean up that i just couldn't do it.... however, none of us can tell you a diagnosis, you need to speak to a doctor, preferably one who specializes in mental health. if you're in the US, though i suspect elsewhere too, they'll probably give you a YBOCS test (Yale-Brown Obsessive Compulsive Scale) as well as talking to you. it isn't too intimidating, you've just got to be honest.

Revival · 29-01-2013, 03:33 AM

Thankyou both once again for replying.

Aimee thanks for that link, I like
"the way to beat it is to force yourself to deal with the anxiety and not do anything about it."
I will definitely work on this.
I really am ok, the best I have been in a long time I just don't want this to turn into a serious problem so am looking to catch it early.

Thankyou also PassedExpectations (Katie?), your reply is very helpful, as is your advice and experiences in the links that Aimee posted.

I am in Australia, and I do see a psychiatrist, who is unfortunately on long service leave however I am seeing the psych filling in for him (who I also know) tomorrow and will mention it to her.

I am not looking for a diagnosis, I have enough of them already (lol) and I dont find that giving something a label makes it any easier to deal with. I am more looking for ways to deal with these thoughts and feeling, and you have given me a lot to think about, so thankyou once again.

akita · 29-01-2013, 01:14 PM

Ally, good to see you back. I was actually thinking of you just a couple of days ago and here you are. Ever since moving into a supported shared accomodation 12 months ago, I am finding that other people's mess really annoys me. I'm not sure if i've become fussy about keeping things clean or have just become tidier than i was when living with my parents.

Could that be what's happened with you? Anyways, good luck talking with your interim psych about this.

Revival · 30-01-2013, 12:28 PM

Thanks Andrea nice to be back for the right reasons :)

Update: Spoke to my nurse and interim psych today. They both came up with something that I hadn't considered, that it's not an OCD thing it is most likely something to do with predictability/wanting to keep things as they are.

I'm doing really well, best I have been in as long as I can remember, and their theory is that I don't want to do anything, no matter how small, because I don't want to mess this up.

So, good news! It's something that makes sense and something that I can work on.

Thankyou all for your advice and support, much appreciated :)