Frustrated!

Tandance · 23-01-2013, 03:31 PM

Its been 16 months sunce i last cut but lately I'm feeling like I'm inching closer to a relapse everyday. I feel like 2 completely different people. On one hand I'm doing ok and have been happier than I have been in a long time...but on the other I can't switch off the thoughts if wanting to SI again because it's really not that big if a deal. I can't talk to my hubby because regardless of how I'm doing he has it stuck in his head that if I'm still thinking about SI then I must be depressed and struggling with anxiety...which surprisingly I'm not...well not to the elevated level he makes it out to be anyway....arrrgghh, just so frustrated...I want the SI part of my life to just crawl under a rock and leave me alone so I can forget it ever happened and I can stop fighting with myself everyday. Sorry for the whinge...just had to get it out

crazykat · 23-01-2013, 03:52 PM

Your not whinging at all, I am glad you posted and reached out for support. First of all well done on 16 months, that is an amazing effort and something to be proud of. It is actually not all that uncommon to be feeling reasonably okay but still have urges to self-harm. I think this is because self-harm becomes a habit and coping strategy, making it hard to break the cycle but not impossible.

What's helped you get to this point where you are 16 months free? Try and remind yourself of how far you have come and of the consequences if you do self-harm. Also have you tried distractions, there is a great list of distractions here. Also what about journaling to help get out some of those feelings you are feeling when the urge to self-harm arises.

Also identifying why you want to self-harm can help also. Some people self harm to get a release or gain some control or to produce feelings or even as a punishment. Once you identify the reason why you can work on another way of getting what you need. For example if you are wanting to produce a feeling other than numb you could try having a cold shower, or even using some body lotion and noticing how it feels on your skin. Hope some of this helps. Take care
Kat xxx

Tandance · 24-01-2013, 12:52 AM

Thanks Kat :) to be honest, the biggest reason I'm not self harming is because I just don't have the energy to deal with my husbands constant questioning of my happiness. It's just irritating to hear "are you ok?" 50 times a day and the look of "I don't believe you" when I say I am ok. I'm also studying nursing which makes me feel a bit hypocritical hurting myself when I'm wanting to heal others. I know the feeling and thought if SI will probably never go away, I went 4 years SI free and still thought about it everyday. I'm just tired of the constant battling against my own thoughts. I know my head is a lot clearer when I'm not self injuring and so I'm trying really hard to refrain from using it as a way of getting some relief. I think the main reason I can't get it out of my head is because I feel like nothing else will give me that same feeling. It's like finally getting a deep enough breath in and then releasing it at the right pace. I don't SI to feel, I do it to still my mind and everything else around me. It's like the whole world stops for a moment. I also do it when I'm angry with myself as a form of punishment as I know the aftermath hurts me more than a blade ever could and feel like I deserve that shame and guilt. So yeah, it's kind of used for conflicting reasons...can you say love hate relationship much? Anyway, I'm sure I'll push through, just getting frustrated that I can't do it without hubby being effected by it.

crazykat · 24-01-2013, 02:14 PM

Can you talk to your husband and let him know that that he's constant questioning is actually making things harder on you? I am sure you are not the only one who has studied nursing and self-harmed. In fact to a certain extent it gives you a level of empathy that others wouldn't have. Also your trying and that counts for a lot.

Is there some other way of trying to still your mind other than self-harming? What about using some form of relaxation like visualizing a nice place that you enjoy either from experience or from your imagination. As for using it as a punishment, could you try and remind yourself that you need self-care instead and try to do something nice for yourself instead.

Hang in there it will be tough but it won't be impossible. You have it within you to fight this and beat this. You are worth more than self-harm. Take care
Kat xxx