Contains Abuse - The BASTARD I still love..I'm triggered.
Well,
With Keith deciding to basically disown me, I have started having nightmares and unwanted thoughts about my father. I thought this was over. But I don't think it ever will be.
The confusion is so frustrating. Manda has already mentioned Stockholm Syndrome, and yes, I know I have it. The problem is, I don't know how to NOT have it. I love the sonofabitch. He's dead and gone..sitting on the table next to me as ashes. WE had to duct tape the container closed because the cats kept knocking it over and I would have a breakdown because we could never get them all picked up and they would get sucked into the vaccuum.
I had been doing pretty well until all this drama with Keith. He has a girlfriend (his first one) and he is just smitten with her. I speak with Leanne to hear about his life now. But the gf is not good for him. She cancels dates ALL the time but goes out with her friends instead. Leanne told me that she was going to end it soon if it continued. She said Keith won't even spend time with friends anymore and keeps in his hands all the time waiting for her calls. Today, Leanne tols him that this girl was "playing him like a violin). He then screamed at her "Don't you ever say that to me again!" Keith doesn't scream at people. His personality has become hateful.
I do blame myself for alot. It isn't all about being gay. I have missed visits, once due to a suicide attempt that I don't even remember and I got stuck in a mental ward while he was here. Another time, my Mom and I had a meltdown and I came home because she and I couldn't settle it. I thought it was better for Keith at the time. He went to Becca's, went swimming, spent time with my brother and had a great time. But he resents me for these times. I don't blame him. I resent myself for them.
I need his forgiveness so badly. I've NEVER had to live without him. Sure, he's been physically gone, but I've always kept up with everything that was going on in his life. And now, at 15...he has forbidden it. And yes, I could be a mother who says " No, I'm your mother and you won't treat me this way". But I don't have that right. You all know I don't.
Tonight, I was washing dishes, Kelly was gone..and I came across an object that I used in my last suicide attempt when they had to air lift me to another hospital since this one wasn't equipped to deal with me. I wasn't breathing. I almost died. And there that same object was. I had to wash it without looking at it and then walk away.
I know you guys must be exhausted of hearing about my ****.
I need help with the nightmares about my father...the thoughts that spin around in my head. I think of the horrible things and then I think of the good things. I'd rather not think anout any of it because when I think about the good, the bad always follows.
Also, I have a lump in my breast and am having a diagnostic mammogram and an ultrasound on Monday. And I have sick and twisted thoughts, such as...I hope I have cancer because then he would talk to me again. I could easily have have the lump removed. I would be ok even if I had to have a little chemo. If he heard I had cancer, he would speak to me again. How sick and twisted is that?? COMPLETELY.
You know where you say something enough you might believe it? Maybe some kind of mantra like the positive self-help ones, but more aimed at recognizing that what he did was wrong, abuse, and any nice things he did were aimed at controlling you, he destroyed you, etc etc.... my thinking is you need to alter how you feel about him so you can deal with those emotions freely. I also think you need closure. Why do you have his ashes? Why not someone else? Why do you keep rather than scatter, bury, throw away (harsh I know) them. It seems like this is your last physical reminder of your father, if the ashes are there then so is he. I don't think you grieved properly for him - how could you? And my personal opinion is you need him gone, love you x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
We all split the ashes. Some have been scattered in places he wanted them. But most of the family has some.
I have no idea how to get rid of them. It would break me. I'm not ready. I love him. I miss him. I want him back. I want to apologize for trying to kill him and hurting him. I want him to apologize. This will never happen. I feel like I may lose it again and I just can't. Kelly and Kaleb need me.
I'm scared. I'm exhausted. I'm scared to sleep. I've been having that recurrent nightmare about Keith again also. The one with his funeral and he's still 5 years old.
I keep thinking of how to end this pain. Of course, I think of death but I pray and pray to keep myself from doing anything rash.
You're not ready.... maybe this is an area to work on. You want to apologies, henowes you an apology, maybe try thinking of it as 'quits' although what he did was much worse and you were justified, the only one who can truly forgive is God, and you can still talk to him. I don't think you can move on and then work on your remaining issues, with a constant reminder of him being there. Do you get what i'm saying?
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
About this Keith situation, you can't let a 15 year old child manipulate you. I'm not sure what you need him to forgive you for. You got sick, that happens. Sometimes people get sick and sometimes they can't take care of their children, and they say and do things that they wouldn't do otherwise, it happens. It doesn't mean that it's your fault. You have to let Keith come to you, and you have to take care of yourself in the meantime. Teenagers have ups and downs, he'll figure it out in time. All you can do is keep loving him, even if he won't talk to you. I know it's hard but you can't get too caught up in his drama. He has to learn from his own mistakes.
About the ashes, maybe if you aren't ready to let your father go yet you could keep him in a place that isn't quite so close. On the table where the cats can knock it over doesn't sound very secure, and I can't imagine how painful it must be to have that reminder so accessible.
and I can't imagine how painful it must be to have that reminder so accessible.
If it were me, I'd get rid of the ashes, scatter them somewhere, bury them. You can't go on with your life if you hold on to things that you can then use to trigger memories and sink into an emotional hole.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
One one side keith has a right to feel annoyed because you physically weren't there, but on the other side he has a whole lot to thank you for because had you been there who knows what could have happened? You chose his carers, you did your best by him.
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
You'd deleted the [img] [/img] brackets, I always right click the image then 'view image' then copy that url to tne image button in the post (looks like mountains) x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
I've burned and am going to keep on simply because it calms me.
This drama with Keith comes in waves for me. It's hit me like a brick today and tonight. Kelly offers no support and I don't understand. It hurts my feelings.
I'm completely alone. My Mom has gone to Florida for a month. They have a place down there and spend alot of the winter there because Florida doesn't really get cold.
I feel like a child. Kelly is asleep. I'm alone, as usual.
That's all...
I didnt see this pic that you posted but thank you very much. You're a doll.xxxxx
They don't let anyone in the house when they are away. And just now Kaleb's doctor called saying he won't do the evaluation on him because we had to cancel twice. We had valid reasons! The paper work from his teacher and us is all filled out but now we have to go somewhere else....start all over.
I'm so ****ing stressed out. I can't sleep. I threw up twice this morning due to stress, I believe.
