SH and OD to get across how unwell you are

[frenchhorn]

sorry to post another thread, feel bad taking up peoples time, there is just something I have been thinking about for a while.

Do you ever feel like you need to SH and OD/other suicide attempt method, in order to get across how unwell you are. I am 11 months OD free and I don't feel pleased about it, infact I feel like I have failed in some way and feel like the professionals will say I'm fine because of it. Same with SH i am about a month free and I feel **** about it, like I don't deserve the support given to me by professionals. I've started thinking about when I can OD again, I know my uni will have a half term break, so I could do it then, I don't want to let people down this term.
Just feel like no professional is going to take me seriously, if I say I am x months free from SH/OD.

[Cacoethes]

I have felt like this before.

Oddly enough, I have found that they actually listen to you more if you've been free for a while.
When I was cutting and ODing on a regular basis, the professionals were just like, meh, she's at it again, but I think if I said I felt like ODing now, they would listen. I have found this with the majority of professionals.

Do you see anyone from the cmht?

[frenchhorn]

I don't see anyone from the CMHT at the moment (it is a long story) but from the multi discplinary meeting I had this morning the crisis team psych is going to write to them asking them to reconsider and he is going to sign it from the four doctors who were at the meeting and my GP has also written to them, so fingers crossed I could be under the CMHT soonish. All the support I have at the moment is my GP, who I saw today then am seeing in another 2 weeks.

[Cacoethes]

Have you spoken to the gp about how you're feeling?

I hope you get a response from the cmht soon
Xx

[frenchhorn]

I told her I'm getting more suicidal again, but didn't say I was thinking of ODing at a specific time. and no professional knows about anything to do with this thread.

[Cacoethes]

Do you think you would feel comfortable telling her about it?

Xx

[frenchhorn]

I don't think so, because then she won't take me serisouly and will think I'm fine cos I havn't OD'd for 11 months, I know you said you have found it different, but I'm convinced they will just push me away and leave me on my own.

[Cacoethes]

I understand it's a scary thought, people leaving you. Especially if they have been helpful and caring.
But doctors can't and shouldn't take this kind of thing lightly. At the end of the day, they are professionals, and it would be highly unprofessional for her to just ignore such things.
It sounds like they are on your side, having written this letter to the cmht.
They could have just left it, but they didn't, so they must want to help you.

I do understand that it may be hard to trust people, especially if you have been hurt or abandoned before.

Xxx

[frenchhorn]

yeah I guess, just scared no SH/OD means I'm not ill enough for them

[Cacoethes]

It doesn't at all.
And the doctor should see that.
Self harming and overdosing doesn't make anyone any more or less ill.
Just like someone who maybe scratches rather than cuts isn't any less of a self harmer, if that makes sense.

Xxx

[frenchhorn]

yeah to me logically that makes sense, but emotionally I still believe I'm not ill enough unless I am doing those things. My therapist used to always talk about logical and emotional thinking and how I could see something logically, but see it completely differently emotionally. Emotioanlly I feel I'm not ill enough because I have never needed stiches for my cuts, but then if I think about it logically I realise both are the same, just people are different.
Hope that make sense.

[Cacoethes]

It does make sense.

I always say that it's how a problem affects you that is important, and not necessarily the problem in itself.
I always used to say that i had np right to complain about life because others had it much worse, so i avoided asking for help, but that didn't change how bad i was feeling.

At the moment, you aren't feeling very good, and really, you are doing amazingly well for not od ing or self harming, which is something to be very very proud of, but that doesn't change how your emotions effect you, it may even make it worse, as you are saying, now you don't feel your problems are valid because you are not self harming.

How would you feel if you self harmed/ OD'd now?

Would you feel disappointed that you did it after so long, if you were to do it?

[frenchhorn]

I would maybe feel disappointed the day after, especially with sh, with an OD it would probably hit me when I start feeling physically unwell.
The only pills I have in the flat are my meds and I don't want to OD on them unless I get really desperate and shops are shut now, so can't buy any pills.

[Cacoethes]

*hugs*

How are you feeling this morning?

Do you think you're able to let logical thinking take over?

[frenchhorn]

not feeling great, still very low.
Not really emotional thinking tends to rule my head, then if I ever try to think logically I tend to have arguement with myself because my emotional side is so strong.

[MagpieBlues]

I can empathise with you so strongly that I could have literally written every word myself.

I'm sorry you're going through this :( I hope they reconsider your case soon.

[Aubergine]

I've never taken an OD and I've never attempted suicide. I do self-harm, but it's never been very frequent (approx. once every 6 months to a year). I've always been taken seriously by professionals; they've always picked up on unwell I've been and have acted accordingly. I was under the CMHT for five years (including Early Intervention for three) and was always listened to, even though I very rarely spoke about the self harm even when it did occur.

I don't think you need to hurt yourself to be listened to by professionals, or at least that's my experience. I think it's important, for your safety, for you to try and keep that in mind. *hug*

[frenchhorn]

thanks both. I'm struggling still, thoughts of ODing are getting stronger, I just can't see how they would take my seriously if I wasn't cutting or ODing.

[Poppet6]

Like a few people have said on here I think professionals have actually taken me more seriously and been more willing to offer support when I havent been self harming or ODing, so I don't think it shows that a person is any worse if they are doing that.

[random.swirls]

I agree I have had 3 hospitilisation occur for depression with no overdose.

When I did overdose I didn't have much if any support.

So yeah I would try and fight your emotional side

xox