i don't know what to do anymore...

Melissa J · 08-01-2013, 09:46 PM

hey,
i kind of need some advice.
i really want to move out. my mother is ill and i'm her sole carer because my sister has moved to canada with her kids and partner, and my brother has moved in with my father (he's only 14, he chose to move when my mum got really ill)
i don't like being alone with her, i am depressed and sh-ing a lot. i don't want to abandon her though. she's already lost 2 of her 3 children and i feel like it's my responsibility to stay. however, i know this might not be appropriate for the veterans page as im only 17, but i am currently working 50 hours a week to make ends meet and pay the rent and bills, which i constantly worry about. in the past i have gone without eating so that my mum has some food to keep her strength up. not only that, but i am still in school and i have school and homework to do for my courses. i am constantly tired because i only get around 1-2 hours of sleep a night if i'm lucky because i do my schoolwork for my A levels after work at night and then housework such as ironing and get things ready for my mum in the morning.
i would really like to leave because she doesnt treat me very well and despite how weak she is she tries to be violent towards me. thankfully, i am a lot stronger than her and am able to restrain her. i don't know how much more of this i can take. i feel selfish for feeling like this but i'm going to go insane if i dont do something.
my form teacher knows something is up and i have told her i am considering leaving my house and even dropping out of school because of the situation but i havent told her why or anything...just that things are difficult. she suggested going to the council and declaring myself homeless...im not sure this is the best option but it's the only one being offered.
any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. thankyou

talaiporia · 09-01-2013, 04:58 AM

If you were to move out, your mother would most likely be entitled to benefits including a home help, and you would be entitled to help with housing benefit, council tax benefit, etc. most likely.

Is it an option for you to move in with your father, or for your mother to move into supported accommodation?

It might be worth being honest with your form teacher; she may well be able to help you.

Melissa J · 09-01-2013, 08:44 AM

my mum gets a community nurse during the day while i'm at school, and she has disability allowance and i get working tax credits so we're able to just about make it.
i don't really want to go into why i can't really stay with my father; but it's not exactly an option for me at the minute. however, supported accommodation sounds like a good idea, but if i'm going to have to pay for it myself than i'm not sure how i'll make the fees. if she goes into council care, there could be a long waiting list for a room/bed etc...
i think i might just do that. either that or see my head of house...only problem there is though is that she's a trained psychologist, and i don't like the whole mental-psycho-analysis thing.
thankyou for your suggestions anyways.

pea soup · 11-01-2013, 01:13 PM

wow...you are under immense stress. I admire you for holding it together for this long.

I can relate a little bit. When I was 17 my father had a heart attack and had surgery. My brother was only 4 years old and my mother didn't work. I went to school and worked 40 hours a week to try to keep our house but we eventually lost it.

I did quit school to work more but my mother wasn't ill or violent and my father no longer lived with us after I quit.

I don't recommend quitting school. I regret it. I'm trying to think of some advice to give.

Do they have foster care where you live? Once you turn 18, you could find your own place with rent control maybe...but in the mean time you could try foster care. Try calling children's services to help you? I'm in the U.S so I'm not sure what they offer where you live.

I'm sorry if this is no help.

I will keep you in my prayers.

much love.
xxxxxxxxxx

Melissa J · 11-01-2013, 03:58 PM

hey, thanks for yuor suggestions...in the uk, young people are only entitled to foster care until the age of 16 which is also when compulsory education ends. sadly, im a year 'too old' for this.
i don't think i'm gonna drop out of school anymore, i spoke to a teacher of mine and said i'm considering leaving and she was like 'don't leave, you'll be worse off in the long run'.
love lissy. xx
seriosuly, please don't admire me, i hate myself for feeling so selfish.

talaiporia · 11-01-2013, 04:39 PM

Have you thought about speaking to CAB - Citizen's Advice about this, and seeing what options you have? It might be you're entitled to more help with your mum if you feel you're not coping.

And you aren't selfish; people a young carer is incredibly stressful. There are support networks and groups for people like you, like this one.

Melissa J · 14-01-2013, 12:17 PM

thanks for ur suggestions and the site.
my mum has been in hospital, she took a turn for the worse but she's been released back into my care today and i'm not able to go to school or anything.
she's really weak and shouldnt have been released really cos she's in so much pain. and there's nothing i can do but watch, i can't even hug her cos it's so over-whelming for her. i don't think she has much time left which is why the hospital let her come home. i feel even more selfish now because she's really not well and all i can do is think about leaving her even in this state. i can't deal with this anymore.
i just want some normality back and i want to be able to sleep. im so tired of everything.