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I'm sick of my past
I don't know where else to put this thread, but here it is, anyway.
So let's see. In grade 2, I was bullied because of my foreign-sounding name for a couple of weeks. I handled it with humour until my mom found out when I was getting ready for school. I got in trouble a couple of days ago because I refused to share my name to some important people, and the teacher wrote a note in my agenda. So, I broke down in tears when my mom came into the room I was in and asked me about the note.
Two years later, in grade 4, I became a bit crazy. I started hating everything and everyone for no reason, and I once thought about threatening my school with a bomb. (I've always been anti-social up to that point, not wanting to leave the house or talk to people.) In grade 5, I became a bit anorexic and suicidal. I hope to god that it wasn't for attention, but I think it was! Well, however those thoughts STARTED out, I became truly and sincerely troubled by the end of grade 5, which was when I tried slitting my throat in my garage. My mom found out; don't ask me what happened next.
From grade 4 to grade 9, I was teased because of halitosis. Yeah, I know, I could've just brushed my teeth better, but I didn't know about that remedy at that time. Also, the kids made fun of my breath AFTER lunch time when we've all eaten our meals, and since gum was not allowed in our school and it would've been weird to bring toothpaste, there was not much I could do. Finally, in grade 9, I snapped after one more incident of teasing and humiliation, and now I'm literally addicted to gum. I HATE, HATE, HATE talking to people up close or face-to-face nowadays, and if someone comes up close to me, I would automatically step a huge step back.
ALSO, in grade 3, I was a really weird kid, and whenever I saw my 2-years-older brother at school, I would say "hi!" in this really weird way. He always told me to go away, and called me names. From then on, I guess, ANYTIME my brother said ANYTHING to me, I would automatically assume that he hated me, and therefore our relationship was very bad until just a couple of months ago.
Lastly, in grade 4, my guinea pig died. Yeah, yeah, it was just a guinea pig. But although his death was sad, what made me angry was that the vet we saw first said that he was fine, and that we just needed to "feed him carrots". I'm shamed to say that I also used his death as an excuse to lash out at the world, because, you know, I hated everyone back then.
Right now, I hate my past, and I wish that I was a normal, mentally sound person with no bitterness or anger or any other problem.
I hate the thought that I created all of my problems by myself. I grew up being told that if you did something, you should never complain about it. Well, I want to complain about it, just once!
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