Hi guys I know it sounds pathetic but I feel so FAT and dirty. I'm seriously thinking of running away. I do not have much money so I can't go far or for long but I feel I can't be trusted as I keep craving salt. I deserve to be punished for this. I can't restrict enough. I need to punish myself. I know I don't deserve anything but I don't know what to do. The shame is tearing me apart. I'm so sorry xx
Last edited by Uglyducklin : 08-04-2013 at 11:30 PM.
Jess, sorry you feel so bad right now. I'm sure the logical part of you will see that running away will just cause more problems and upset for your mam especially.
A craving of that nature may well be your bodies way of saying something is wrong- could you speak to a doctor about it as something may be able to be done to get rid of it and thus reduce your anxieties.
Can you talk to someone about how you are feeling? Perhaps your mam or a friend or even the samaritans?
Perhaps you could make a plan of how to constructively spend your time over the next few days until you start to feel safer?
Thank you lillie I really don't deserve this support. I keep bursting into tears I'm so ashamed. I will try the gp I saw the locum who is replacing my doctor until she is back from long term sick leave I saw her today and she was so nice. I've told one friend but I'm so ashamed. I need to be thin for my CPA as its very important meeting I really don't know what to do. I used to fast so easily I'm not even sure if it would still count as fasting everything feels too much. I need to accept support if I want to return to uni in September but I'm FAT and they will laugh at me . I'm sorry I sound like a broken record :(
Glad the doctor wasnice- hopefully she suggested something to help with the craving?
Being thin for your CPA won't make it an easier meeting and will change nothing other than further ruining your health- from what I know you are thin already. I'm sure they won't laugh at you- its unprofessional for a start. It is also obvious you are struggling a lot which they should be made aware of so they can make the best possible suggestions to help you.
Can you arrange something to do with this friend? It is good that you have motivation in wanting to return to uni.
Aw lillie thank you. I feel so hideous and FAT. I keep telling myself today is a new day but I feel eaten alive with guilt and shame. I will try but I feel totally disgusting. It makes me feel I don't deserve to mix with people. I'm so sorry this is so pathetic xx
I HATE my FAT body so much. I'm such a freak I can't have the safe thing anymore the sight of it makes me feel ill I'm so ashamed but I'm sick to death of it! Technically have found something else that is safe but I still feel hideous. I need to tear the FAT from me. I'm trying to put off running away but the urge is strong. I don't want calories near me ever. Sorry to post again xx
Firstly, running away is a bad idea; you are under the care of professionals who are likely to panic if you disappear, and that is likely to result in loss of choices/freedom for you when they do eventually catch up with you.
Jess, you are dangerously underweight. You are craving salt because your body isn't receiving the basic nutrition it needs to function, and most likely, your electrolytes are out of whack.
I think you really, really need to try and co-operate with the doctors and people, because this illness is destroying. I know you think you need to be thin, but you are already way past that. You will always want to be thinner until you accept that this illness is distorting your perception of reality, and I know it's easy for me to say, and hard to believe, but it is true.
Your body, your brain need calories to function. To process information, to regulate temperature, to replace blood and skin and hair cells, and to just be alive. You simply cannot function on zero calories, and fasting is incredibly, incredibly dangerous.
You need to, at the bare minimum, try to keep your fluid level up and if possible, try to drink some electrolyte drinks.
What's happening in regards to inpatient treatment?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Thanks so much Sophia. It's really hard I retain so much fluid due to the salt I have that getting an accurate weight is hard. My bmi is not critical so I'm not eligible for inpatient . I feel so worthless I don't know what to do. I feel so ill and dizzy. I just can't do this anymore. I'm so sorry how are you? Xx
I know it probably seems like I'm lying to you, and you have no reason to trust me, but you are incredibly ill Jess.
You cannot be retaining a significant percentage of water, because it's simply physically impossible, even if you disagree. You need to try to restore your electrolyte and fluid balance, even if you're not maintaining enough calories. Have you thought about trying electrolyte drinks and plenty of water?
What support are you getting right now?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Your so kind Sophia I'm so sorry . I just feel I don't deserve anything. My outpatient ends on 31st but I have a CPA before then. I'm also being transferred to the severe and enduring eating disorders team in January . I do feel quite desperate and the urge to run his huge. Sorry I'm a broken record x
Jess, you sound ill, you sound frightened, but you don't sound like a broken record. You deserve for things to be better. Don't run. It will not help.
Do you think there's any way you could try to at least keep up your fluid intake? I promise you, that drinking water will not make a massive difference to your weight.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Jess, you are ill; you have nothing to be ashamed of.
I'm glad you are having enough water.
Perhaps the next step might be to try and introduce calorific drinks, like powerade, lucozade, milk, chocolate milk, hot chocolate, or even, Complan.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Thanks Sophia its too much I gain on very little I should be punished for this! I'm trying a new routine which seemed to help yesterday. I'm so ashamed of my body it's tearing me apart. I'm nervous I'm meant to go to the seeds clinic on Monday but I asked to have my nurse changed as she really doesn't like me I haven't heard from my therapist whether this will happen. I'm really embarrassed I should of kept my FAT mouth shut
You gain on very little because your body is panicking, Jess. When your body is starved, it will keep the food that you eat and store it because it doesn't know when it'll get fed again. If you ate more, this wouldn't happen so much and your metabolism would even out and you'd be healthier. If you are feeling this bad and frightened, sure you need to do something about it rather than stay this way? You asked for support here, do you know what it is that you want exactly?
Well done for asking to get the nurse changed. I am sure that your therapist will sort that out for you, she's just busy at the moment which is why you haven't heard anything. If you haven't heard soon, why not give her a call?
Is fat the worst that you can be, Jess? You could be horrible, bad, evil but you're not. Those things are far worse than fat but you're very kind and compassionate and understanding and you need to look at those qualities and appreciate that they're far more important than what your weight is. As long as you're healthy and happy, it doesn't matter how much you weigh.
Thanks Hun I feel so FAT dirty and disgusting. I spoke to my therapist about changing my seeds nurse and nothing had been done. She basically said it was me wanting more than physical monitoring coupled with me finding it hard ! I HATE myself right now. I know I not worth anything this FAT but I still wish just one professional would believe me . Sorry i don't deserve to post x
How do you feel about what your therapist said? It's possible that she's saying this for a reason, so maybe it's something to think about.
Professionals don't believe you because you're not fat and they're trying to help you. I know it's hard but why not try to go with it for a while and see how that makes you feel?
I know you feel these words Jess, and they are real to you, but that doesn't actually make them real. Like Belle, said, you're a good person. Why would you like your SEEDS nurse changed? I'm a little confused.
You deserve to post Jess. You deserve nice things, you deserve to be free of this awful illness. Are you able to speak to any of your professionals at the moment?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Hi thanks both of you. Yes I hate physical monitoring but I understand its not therapy I genuinely get a vibe that she really doesn't like me. They feel I'm too FAT due to the FAT and fluid. I really want to run I can't be in my body anymore.the shame is eating me and the shame is strangling me. I can't breathe for the FAT. That is all she said I was crying when she was talking to me I couldn't say I wanted a change because they would take the support away. I'm sorry I'm not making sense. I don't deserve your kindness x
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