It's been a long time since I've been on here. I suppose while I value everyone's opinions, I didn't think people would find use in mine. But, of course, it's more than that. So many things have happened. I joined because I was hearing/seeing/feeling things that weren't normal and I was frightened. I went to a psychologist and felt so great that someone was finally listening to me. But then they would treat it as something normal, and I'd figure I don't need to see them then. Or they'd scare me off by saying I should get tested for Schizo disorders, or (worst of all) they'd wish-wash between the two, trying not to scare me to much.
Whichever the case, I'd leave and work on dealing on my own. And things got worse.
Not to mention, so many times I've gone I've worked up so many reasons to explain the things I've experienced and gotten so lost in them. Then I'd finally back up and realize that I have no explanation. I wouldn't know how to tell the psychologist. It's like they were tainted. Of course I say it like I've seen so many but I've only seen two... or three.. maybe... my mind is so messy lately, I can't remember.
I've gotten to the point where I've realized it isn't going away. It's not my imagination.. I think... Maybe even not my mind playing tricks on me. I've decided to go to a clinic, because independents haven't been working out. But the clinic I called keeps cancelling my appointments. If I get to go to the next one that is scheduled it'll be 42 days since my first call.
My parents and I are thinking of calling another clinic but even then it'll most likely be another week or so wait. I'm finally at a spot where I can talk about whats happening rationally without trying to come up with explanations that make no sense at all. But I don't know how long I can handle waiting. I get so nervous right before the appointment, then (very rudely) the day of or night before the appointment they cancel and it's an awful false alarm. Then we reschedule, I wait patiently and then freak out again and it's canceled again.
And my poor parents don't know the half of what is going on. I can't stand the thought of telling them because I figure they'll either call me silly and stupid or freak out. I really want a psychologist who has my back because I've been in a position where its them against me and I can't hold my ground. I'd much rather let them believe I'm a horrid liar so they don't have to feel like crappy parents than get help for myself. I did it when I told them about the sexual abuse. I need someone who will stand up for me when I won't.
But things keep stopping me. I don't understand why someone won't help me.
i don't know why it is so difficult to get help sometimes. i don't think it has to do with you, or with people not wanting to help... more i think it is just that the system is overloaded.
are you still hearing/seeing/feeling things?
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I guess I know that it's probably not anything anyone can help but I just feel like if I'm not stopping myself then the rest of the world is. And it's the nerves and cold feet before the appointment and then having it canceled and having to start all over again that is the hardest.
Yeah, I do. But over the year its gotten less "My silly mind is playing tricks on me again." and more... I don't know how to explain it. It's like its more there. And it's interfering more in life.
The worst part is the everyday. It feels like there's a giant crack in my head where thoughts and brains slip in and out so I either have to worry about my thoughts being projected into the world or the brain(s) that have squeezed in my head to blab or insult or complain or listen. I always have to be careful what I think about. And my head is so scattered I can't concentrate on anything. I'm worried I'm going to fail my classes and get kicked out of an art school I worked really hard to get into because I couldn't handle regular high school. And I can't go back to regular high school, it kills me.
Does anybody have any focusing techniques or something?
I'm sorry to hear you're having so many difficulties and worries at the moment.
It must be incredibly frustrating trying to go to appointments and them getting cancelled - they can't keep doing that forever though so sooner or later you will be able to have an app. Do they give a reason for cancelling?
It sounds like you're really concerned about these things going on, so it's important to be able to talk to someone about it. Do you live in the US? I'm not sure how it works over there but over here we can go and see a GP. Even if you go see your GP in the mean time before you (finally) get your app at the clinic, then you could tell them about what's been going on for you.
It may be helpful to write everything down that you're concerned about, so when you get to the app you don't forget anything if you're mind is all over the place. Sort of like a bullet point list of the different things you're experiencing/things you're worried about as a reminder.
I know it can be tempting to leave therapy/MH support before it's finished, but I think if you really want to work on these issues then it's important to go the distance and not bail, as tempting as that may be. It can be really hard and tough sometimes, especially if you don't completely see eye to eye. But maybe if you keep stressing your worries then they will have to listen to you and not just dismiss it.
Maybe print off this thread and show the person you go see, because you seem to have explained things quite well here.
And with your parents, from other people I have spoken to as parents, it is much more worrying when you don't know whats wrong than when you know whats wrong. At least if they know whats wrong and the extent of things, they can try to deal with it and support you better, if that's what you need. They are not crappy parents - just sometimes people suffer with MH and sometimes people don't. Yeah, your life experiences have something to do with it, and I don't want to make assumptions, but it sounds like you've suffered a pretty big trauma with the abuse, and that's not your parents fault. I would try not to worry about them - they are your parents and they are adults; they can look after themselves. It's you that you need to focus on right now.
And I'm sorry I don't have any focusing techniques, my brain is pretty scrambled at the moment as well, but I really do wish you the world of luck.
Let us know if you get to the app and how it goes, yeah.
First it was canceled for an emergency and then "she's just sick a lot." It doesn't help they only have one person who sees adolescences/kids. I can understand having to take time off, I just feel like its rude to do it again and again to the same new client. It's hard to because it has to be after school and in a very small time frame. The other clinic I had stored as an option is only two miles from school though so the window would be slightly bigger. But these places only have appointments Mon-Fri up until like 6pm, and my school gets out at 3 which doesn't leave many time slots.
GP, like General Physician? I can't even remember the last time I had a check up. I suppose I could go but I figure they'd just refer me to a clinic anyway. It seems like an extra paid appointment and I'm not sure if it'd be any faster to set up. Might be something to think about though. I don't know what to do about what I've been dealing with, I really just want to talk to someone who can help me tell my parents and figure out what to do next.
When I last when to see someone I had a letter of what was going on, but I was so erms... in the clouds that it ended up being less about what was happening and more about why I think it's happening. Which, when thinking back, was a bit far fetched and silly. But now I'm much more focused on what is happening, so maybe I'll try it again.
Therapy is so expensive that I don't want to make my parents pay for it if they don't have to. Plus they don't really believe psychology is something that we'd ever use so the insurance isn't set up to support it very well. (we have a huge deductible that we never reach so we just end up paying completely for everything). And because they don't totally understand, they complain about how I'm costing a lot of money and when will I be done yet and how I just need to eat more vitamins and try harder. It's so hard to continue when you're being brushed off and the people around you are complaining about how hard you're making things for them.
And I know they are just trying to cope the best they can, and I know I need to start thinking for whats best for me and letting them deal... but it's such a hard concept to grasp let alone put in place. I feel like as long as I'm in their house I'm just a part of their life, and how dare I make it difficult for them.
I don't at all think that they're bad parents, I think they're confused and just as scared as I am. Probably even more so because they're in the dark. I just don't feel like I could tell them whats been going on without someone to back me up, because I have trouble standing up for myself.
The semester end is so soon and I just don't know how I'm going to pull things together.
Thank you so much for the replies and hugs though. Every time I face more waiting I feel like I just can't take it, like help will never arrive. And its not like I can do anything about it really. But maybe if I try to schedule an appointment for as soon as possible, and try to distract myself by making sure I pass my classes and spending time here it'll be time for my appointment before I know it.
Ohs, its a good idea, by the way, using parts of this thread to talk about whats been going on. Thank you.
