Warning: in this post I regress to a 14 year old girl.
So there’s this guy I have a crush on and there’s a pretty big part of me that wants it to go away. I think I need a huge dose of common sense.
Part of the issue is that I can’t make him out to be a dick because he’s not. I met him in a club which should be a big no-no; yes people are drunk and stuff happens but I never go out looking for anything I’m usually the “PISS OFF I’M DRINKING AND DANCING WITH MY FRIENDS” person. But I ended up kissing this person and then within an hour or so of meeting him I collapsed and ended up in A&E (I wasn’t spiked, I’d just been drinking a LOT on an empty stomach) and despite not knowing me this guy gave up his night to come with me and check I was okay and he didn’t expect anything afterwards we just both went our separate ways. You could say I let this person in because he looked out for me when I was vulnerable.
Since then, we talk online sometimes and whenever we’re in a club together we’re picking up where we left off before long. We never arrange to meet it’s pure chance and I don’t go to that club in case he’s there and if he isn’t I still have a great night and I still go to other places. I took him home with me on New Years but it was purely because he missed his last train and nothing sexual happened.
I’m wary of the whole situation to be honest. I don’t like this “if we happen to be out together then go for it” attitude, which I’ll admit is from both of us. Considering it’s every time I’d be shocked if he didn’t also have a crush on me but, you know, it’s just a bit weird. I did try and arrange to meet him once but he didn’t seem that interested. He tried to arrange to meet me once but I’d turned my phone off for the day because I was skiving and avoiding the “where the **** are you” calls >.< At least it suggested the “him not being interested” thing was in my own head?
I’m a very cynical person when it comes to relationships and because of that doubt I’m actually ready for one right now. If it did turn into a relationship, then from this precedent (which has been going on since October), it doesn’t feel like it would be a particularly healthy one. I’m certainly not willing to risk damaging my already damaged perception of relationships for it. I also don’t know if part of me just wants to jump into something because lately I’ve seen a few others I care about get into a relationship.
I was terrible in my last relationship for always putting my boyfriend first even though he was a wanker. I’ve only just built up a fresh circle of friends and established myself as a fun person to be around and as the person to go out with to forget everything and just have a laugh. I’ve been feeling so positive and gained so much confidence in being around other people, I don’t want to ruin that by attaching myself to someone and even without being in a relationship with him I’m already dropping everyone to make out with this guy every time he’s also out. I’m a **** person for doing that and I really need to stop it.
I don’t want to just stop going out in case he’s there but I don’t want to be horrible to this person to get him to **** off because despite everything he is sweet. It would be nice to be friends with him but I don’t know whether it’s gone too far for that to be realistic and to be honest the fact we just bump into each other from time to time and talk online isn’t really friend material in the first place.
Someone give me a virtual slap around the face? I think I need some perspective here.
"Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."
Tricky, he could be living in the moment rather than wanting a relationship. I'd suggest asking to meet him where there's no alcohol involved and asking him straight, or if you can't face that, ask him online. You need to know where you stand.
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
if you get on on nights out and stuff, why not attempt to arrange to see each other as friends. Go somewhere public for a coffee of whatever and just chat.
If youve only really seen each other when youve been drinking, you might be looking at him with beer goggles.
I'm not in the best place to be giving advice, but I just wanted to say helloooooooooo.
=]
"Watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it."
It's taken a while for me to respond because I'm in the middle of house hunting which is another stress in itself, but thank you everyone.
I have met up with him sober and we still got on, which is a rarity in itself. I didn't have the courage to ask him straight, so I still don't know what is going on. I've had (one) relationship before but I've never actually been on a date, however I think our spending the weekend with each other constituted one, like we went somewhere and he paid for it and then we went for a drink and I paid in return (I hate not paying my way).
I say we went for a drink, but we didn't get that drunk and we had spent the rest of the day 100% sober so I still think it counts as a sober meeting, alcohol is a normal factor when it comes to weekends I guess.
I have realised that I do like him. I possibly like him even more when I've had a drink, but I also like him when I'm sober. I get the feeling that it's mutual, he has been texting me a lot since then and said a couple of things to suggest it when I was with him, but having not been able to ask outright I don't know. Perhaps that is the next step.
The more I think about it, the more I think that it is my personal issues with relationships that are causing me stress than any factor that is to do with him.
I have only been in one relationship and it had an awful impact on me. I automatically expect people to **** me around. I automatically expect my own logic and sense of self to go out of the window because my ex was quite controlling and destroyed both of those things when I was with him. I have since regained them but I don't ever want to lose them again. My friends and family hated the last guy and I don't want to compromise them for the sake of someone else again. I don't want to feel like I'm "attached" to anyone, I like to choose who I spend time with. I was definitely attached last time. I have anxieties when it comes to sex, which were not caused by my last relationship but I built up the courage to discuss them with my ex in an attempt to explore/resolve them but he dismissed them making me out to be a slut with a one track mind.
There's probably a lot more that I don't even consciously perceive. I don't think it's fair to lump it all on someone else. I know a relationship is about give and take and about finding someone who can see through the **** ups that are part of all of our personas but I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I can deal with life when it's just me, I hate getting others involved.
So I guess I'm having a bit of trouble deciding what to do and building the courage to actually talk about it.
Side notes: squirrelspit I have been to G-A-Y once and don't remember much of it, but if I do go again then yes we may!
Ash, it's been so so long! Hello! :)
"Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."
