The title pretty much sums it up. My best friend Jesse committed suicide last two weeks ago. We've been inseparable for 10 years. The worst part about the whole situation is the shock. He never told anybody he was hurting or suicidal. He just left me.
I've always been the messed up one between the two of us. I was raped at a young age and struggled with self harm and ednos for a LONG time. I just recently stopped hurting myself about 7 months ago. I had done really well. Then this happened. Jesse helped me with all of it. When I was suicidal, he helped me. But when he was suicidal, he didn't come to me.
I can't sleep. I can't eat. Every time I close my eyes, I see him lying there with blood everywhere, and I can't sleep. It also makes me lose my appetite. I never in my life thought I would have to be without him, and the thought of having to, makes me not want to live at all. I have no desire to live, and my life is worth nothing.
I didn't know. How could I not know? He's my BEST FRIEND for christ sake. Plus, I've been suicidal so many times in my life, you'd think I would notice another hurting person. But I know that if I knew he was hurting like that, I wouldn't let him. I wouldn't let him hurt, and I wouldn't let him die.
It isn't fair. Why do I have to stay here, and he doesn't? Why did he leave me?
Suicide? Looks pretty enticing as it stands. I've already fallen off the wagon with the self harm. Might as well make it a suicide party too I suppose.
Because pain is such a hard thing to communicate to people. I knew my best friend for 17 years, our whole lives, and I was never so shocked as when I heard he.... killed himself. If he knew you were also in pain, he wouldn't have wanted to add to that burden.
Dying now won't solve anything, it won't help you make sense of his death, and it won't bring him back. Do what he felt unable to. Talk to somebody about this, don't let it destroy you.
Because pain is such a hard thing to communicate to people. I knew my best friend for 17 years, our whole lives, and I was never so shocked as when I heard he.... killed himself. If he knew you were also in pain, he wouldn't have wanted to add to that burden.
Dying now won't solve anything, it won't help you make sense of his death, and it won't bring him back. Do what he felt unable to. Talk to somebody about this, don't let it destroy you.
He's the one I would always talk to...especially in a situation like this. I have nobody else.
I'm so sorry :( I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now.
Just wanted to throw in that old cliché, that he helped you through so much because he wanted you to be happy - and that doesn't change. Ever.
Just because he was unhappy and didn't feel able to share / left it too late to get himself help, doesn't change how he feels about you. He just let life overwhelm him, I guess.
Basically what I think I'm trying to say is, he helped you for a reason. He wanted you to be happy. So don't give up on that. :)
also, if you kill yourself, you're going to put other people in the position that you are now. stop the chain before it gets going. one suicide is heartbreaking enough.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
