Its not that I want to die. I just want to stop everything.
I spent 3 years at college and am going to fail it, again.
I just can not take it. I am supposed to be ok now, im not depressed, so why can't I feel happy. I want to just stab myself so they will lock me away and I will not have to deal with anything any more.
why do I want to be suicidal, insane and cut up to hell?
I don't want to get better, I want to get worse and have a reason to feel that way.
as stupid as it sounds I feel depressed over not being depressed.
Hey
Im glad you dont want to die ,
i can understand the wanting everything to stop,
well done you for being at college for 3 years, you say your going to fail it
again, have you asked for support from the college. They should have a good support team there that you should be able to talk to, they will have people you can talk to about your difficulties. And they should help you manage your course work, if you havent please think about it.
You sound like your under alot of pressure please seek support, have you been to your drs for support, or thought about a counsellor, to talk about the way you are feeling so you can understand yourself.please continue to ask for support here too at ryl.
Its hard when we we feel unhappy , you may be depressed, by seing a dr you can find out if this is the case. You really do need someone to talk to about your feelings, please dont start stabbing yourself. i understand you not wanting to deal with anything, there sounds like too many things to handle, please try and break down all the things your coping with.
you say you feel like you need to punish yourself please try not to, there will be things in your life that are making you feel this way, you can overcome them in time and with help.
please find the strength to cry out and ask for support theres nothing wrong in accepting you need support, your a strong person for being where you are now and talking about whta you have, please take that step and get some help from your dr.
we are here for you also keep posting
and hang in there
Dave
I'd like to start by saying how much I empathise with your post, to the point where I feel I could have written similar myself on quite a few occassions. Not wanting to die, but wanting everything to stop is a tricky one, but something that helps me when I feel like that is going to a place where I can be alone, and just do what I want to do for a bit. For me, that place is my local bookshop, I go sit in there, read some books in this neat little corner where people don't seem to go very much. I don't know why, but it makes me feel a bit more peaceful - do you have anywhere like that you could go? It's not a fix-all by any stretch of the imagination, but it's a start.
As for that "I'm not depressed so I should be fine" feeling, well that's a bugger really. I think that part of it is because we get so used to feeling down all the time, and having ideas of suicide and hurting ourselves, that almost becomes like our comfort zone. It's what we know most, and so that is where we feel safe, or knowing what's going to happen. So when things start changing, we're taken out of that state we've become used to, and things all get a bit unfamiliar. Because maybe you have less urges of "I feel this way --> I need to cut", somewhere in you, you start to get a bit scared of what happens if you do go back to feeling down. What if you haven't got it in you any more etc etc. and so the urge changes to "I need to make sure I can, just in case --> I need to cut".
I've been there m'dear, in fact I keep sort of going back and forth between there and feeling bad quite a lot of the time now, but I know just as well as you know, it's not right. You said you want to cry out for help, and I would really encourage you to do that in a safe way. Why would you feel ashamed m'dear? There is no shame in asking for help, honestly; if anything, it is one of the bravest things you can ever do because it is such a hard step to take. It's an important one though, and while you recognise that it's one you need to take, I really hope you can find it in you to go for it.
I'm really sorry if this has come out really rambly and such but it's quite late and I'm tired, but I had to reply because I do understand. Feel free to PM me if I can make anything a bit more coherent for you, or for a chat :) Take care hun xx
I'm glad you don't want to die too. It might seem like an easier option, but it's really not worth it. It's definitely worth holding on and getting through this shitty patch.
Maybe college isn't for you at this moment in your life. It's always an option that's readily available, but sometimes you have to look at what's a priority in your life. I think you should concentrate on getting help, getting a therapist if you don't already have one... Your health always ALWAYS comes first. Mental health is just as important as physical.
I entirely understand missing feeling sad, or wanting to feel depressed. There's a certain comfort to it, and suicide seems like the easier option. But it isn't, and there are so many good things waiting for you, I know that it's worth fighting and getting through this. Recovery might not be an option for you right now, and I can't force you, but please consider getting help through your doctor, and seeing about getting referred to a therapist or counsellor. It will help you loads, and sharing your problems will make things that little bit easier.
Please take care of yourself. You can do this, stay strong and let us know how you're getting on. You have nothing to be ashamed of, this is what professionals are there for.
xo
Thank you for all your replies.
I really did not feel so strong last night. I started cutting my wrist and just felt like I could go on. So I reached out, text a friend. He came straight online to talk to me even though it was god knows what time in the morning. He stayed up with me till 3:30am and just talked to me. He convinced me to put the scalpel away and he made me laugh. He even made me feel good about exam in the morning and to give it a try.
It was hard to reach out and trust someone, but I am glad I did it.
