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I don't know if I'm in the right place or not
So, I was doing random google searches for "destroyed my life and don't know what to do" and I stumbled upon this place.
I don't know how much detail to give here but suffice to say that things are pretty bad all around.
I guess I'll start with what happened tonight and go from there. I know this sounds so banal and cliche but I broke up with this girl back in March. It was a huge mistake and I've been stewing on it for the past nine months. I had lost her number, haven't had any contact etc. Tonight I got the bright idea to dig into an old cell phone to try and find the number. I finally found it after a bit and made a call. Some guy answered and after a few minutes of conversation I asked if he was her boyfriend. He told me it was none of my business, so I told him why I had called and said that if he was I wasn't going to bother calling back because I didn't want any trouble. He told me that he was and so that was that. I'm not in the habit of screwing with anybody's relationships but my own.
Obviously if this was it there would be nothing else to say beyond time heals all wounds. Unfortunately that's not all.
I'm 30 years old and essentially a big time loser. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. In my head I have nothing but the best intentions but my actions are far different. Take employment for example. I've never held a job longer than 6 months. Not because I don't want to, I just don't know why, I always quit. It gets to a point where I just can't get out of bed even though things are great at the beginning and I love going to work then.
I've been unemployed now for the last 5 months and counting. I know I need to get up and find a job but for whatever reason I just wind up staying in bed all day doing nothing, going to sleep at 5am and waking up at 2pm every single day. This is going to present more problems in less than a week when Christmas rolls around and I've got nothing to give. Actually, truth be told, upon writing that I realize that that isn't entirely true. They'll understand and if they think I'm a giant screw up they won't say anything at least. The problem is that I'll know and what I will do to myself is far worse than anything they could do.
In regards to relationships to say that they're better off without me is a gross understatement. I've never cheated on them but I've lied, stolen and generally been an all around jerk. Again though, I don't understand why I behave like this. I tell myself in my head that I am not going to do this again and yet, there I go again. To say that I have impulse control problems would be an understatement. I just cannot for the life of me comprehend why I do this when I clearly don't want to. Or maybe I do and I just need to embrace my inner scumbag. Never mind that last bit. Stereotypical glibness right there.
I suppose this would be the time to mention that I may have a minor substance abuse problem on top of that but I don't know. I smoke far too much weed when I have money. I haven't burned one down in a while because I don't have money and it's been long enough that it's almost certainly flushed out of my system but I can't help but feel that when I have some cash I'm going to buy some weed. Cigarettes too even though it's been almost two weeks since my last and the cravings seem to be long gone. Maybe that's self destructive.
To say that I carry around a lot of guilt is an even bigger understatement than the last one. Or at least I think I do. I find myself able to disconnect from everything at the moment of crisis. I just can turn it off and not feel anything. It'll hit me later though. At least I think it will. Sometimes I wonder if I just think that I should be feeling these things and I come up with what amounts to actual emotion.
I'm getting the feeling that I'm rambling here and I don't want to edit because if I erase one thing, I'll end up erasing it all and not bothering any further.
Again, sorry if this is in the wrong place.
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