Feel like I'm back at square one. Please help.

Cyanide Cola · 14-12-2012, 08:57 AM

I got on meds, started living healthier and I was actually starting to feel so much better. I was doing pretty well. My girlfriend is kinky and I'm usually the one to tie her up. But she wanted to tie me up, so we decided to give it a try. I was kind of nervous and didn't really want to, but I went along with it. Now, when I was 16 I was raped. That was about five or six years ago, and I've never really told anyone. I told my girlfriend and thats about it. I'm really uncomfortable with giving up control like that, but like I said I just wanted to see what it was like being tied up and if I could do it. From the moment we started it felt wrong. I didn't like it. But I thought if I could push through the beginning I would be okay for the rest. I wasn't. All I really remember is demanding she untie me and I started struggling to untie myself. She was very quick and got me free. I started crying. I couldn't let her touch me. I calmed down a bit and she tried to comfort me. Now I feel like I'm right back at square one. I feel worthless, and I hate myself. All those feelings I had before are back. I just want to curl up and die. I don't know what to do. And now she feels responsible for doing this to me. She keep apologizing and saying she wished she'd never done that to me. I love my girlfriend. She's helped me so much though this. I just want my good days back. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel like all the progress I've made has just crumbled, and now I'm back to being a worthless pile of ****. Please, any advice at all?

MagpieBlues · 14-12-2012, 05:19 PM

Hiya,

I can see why that would be an extremely scary situation for you to be in. It's not surprising that your getting some of the same feelings as you were before. Do they feel the same intensity?

Just try to remember that you managed to survive the real thing, so if you can manage to survive that then you can manage to survive this. I'm definitely not saying what you're going through isn't horrible - I'm just trying to remind you that there is hope.

Do you feel you would be able to go to the doctors and tell them how you're feeling? Or maybe call a crisis line? If you type into google 'rape crisis line' then some numbers will come up. They will understand how you're feeling.

Maybe you could use the support your girlfriend wants to give you and talk to her?

Also it's really important for you to look after yourself right now - have nice hot baths with bubbles or wrap up in a blanket and watch a film. Treat yourself. You deserve to be treated - what you went through was awful and you deserve to look after yourself. Make sure you are eating and sleeping still (as best you can) because if you stop doing these then it can sometimes make things worse.

Cyanide Cola · 14-12-2012, 06:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MagpieBlues

Hiya,

I can see why that would be an extremely scary situation for you to be in. It's not surprising that your getting some of the same feelings as you were before. Do they feel the same intensity?

Just try to remember that you managed to survive the real thing, so if you can manage to survive that then you can manage to survive this. I'm definitely not saying what you're going through isn't horrible - I'm just trying to remind you that there is hope.

Do you feel you would be able to go to the doctors and tell them how you're feeling? Or maybe call a crisis line? If you type into google 'rape crisis line' then some numbers will come up. They will understand how you're feeling.

Maybe you could use the support your girlfriend wants to give you and talk to her?

Also it's really important for you to look after yourself right now - have nice hot baths with bubbles or wrap up in a blanket and watch a film. Treat yourself. You deserve to be treated - what you went through was awful and you deserve to look after yourself. Make sure you are eating and sleeping still (as best you can) because if you stop doing these then it can sometimes make things worse.

It's just difficult to talk about. I've thought about calling one of those hotlines, but I was under the impression that they where for people who are dealing with rape that happened recently. I was assaulted almost five years ago. I never told my doctor what happened, I'm not sure if it would matter at this point. It was intense at that moment while it was happening. It's not as intense now, but I feel like I'm back to square one with my depression. I'm in a fog again. The feelings come back a few times a day, but they aren't constant. When I don't have those intense feeling I just feel depressed. Everything is grey again. I was seeing in color just a few days ago, now I'm back to grey.

MagpieBlues · 14-12-2012, 07:15 PM

The crisis lines are for anyone who has experienced that - no matter how long ago it was. If you are experiencing problems related to that then you can call them. They will be very understanding.

You could just speak to the doctor and tell them you are feeling low - you don't have to go into detail. I'm not sure where you live but if you google mental health support for your local area maybe there is a rape crisis centre or something, which you can self refer to.

It's good that you're not getting those intense feelings as much, maybe things will slowly die down on their own? I still think it's worth at least calling the crisis line though (if you feel that may be helpful) - it's just about whatever is best for you and whatever you think will be helpful.