Contains Suicide - so tired....contains si and suicide.

[lostandlonely84]

I have been having such a hard time recently. It's all my fault so I have no right to complain. So much has been going on.
Stupid hurricane sandy flooded our house. It was only a foot of water so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. My parents didn't just fix what was needed. They tore the house apart. You can totally see through the house all that's there are the beams. They keep arguing and are making so many changes like adding windows and moving the front door so it doesn't open to the laundy room. It was built as a summer house so the walls weren't done correctly so there is talk of removing the outside wall's. I really just want it fixed. So wecan move back in. I stopped taking my meds bc I just forgot bc it's been so hectic. Which is no excuse bc I know what was going to happen.
I started to fall. I restarted the meds which is good. My mom has not been helpful at all. They are so stressed out and my mom seems to be taking it out on me. My therapist cut me back to once a month. I was worried about bringing everything up since there is so much going on. I agreed bc I thought I could deal but I can't. I really need to deal so Tuesday I toldher I need to go back to every other week. I am just having a hard time. I don't love myself and feel like I need to be punished and don't deserve to be loved. We started to try and figure out why. Other then being raped in 06 it doesn't make sense. My mom just told me to get over it. I hate feeling this way. I feel like a failure. I really want to have a family but I am so scared and how can I expect someone to love me when I can't love myself. I am not sure how to fix it and I can't handle it. This was a huge problem even when I was on my meds.
Its been so 4 yrs since I sh. I really want to go back to it. I not only do I want to do it bc I feel like I deserve it but also bc I want to feel numb it will quiet my mind.
I have constant headache I carry all my stress in my shoulders. My friends just walk all over me and I let them I am scared to say no. This really stresses me out. My therapist is tired of hearing it. Told me what I needed to do and doesn't want to hear about it any more. I have so many other thins to deal with. I don't blame her. She really pissed more off the week she cut me back. She said I thrive off drama. Which I really i don't.
I just want to run away for a awhile. I have thought about going inpatient but I am not exactly suicidal. I would never be able to act. I pray everyday that god will decide to take me.

I am so sorry this is so long. I just needed to get it out.

[[Awakening]]

I'm really sorry this hadn't been replied to before!

I hope it helped to get everything out.

How are things going now? Have you been able to move back in yet?

[pea soup]

oh hunni...I am saying prayers right for you! But NOT that God will take you. I used to ask God to not let me wake up but I don't do this anymore.

What happened to you in 06 happened to me as a child by my father. When I was an adult and confronted my mother about it(because she knew what had happened and did nothing to stop it) she told me the exact same thing your Mom told you.

I have a great relationship with my mother now but I'm 35 and it took years. I think our Moms just don't know how to deal with what happened to their little girls. They want to push it away or go into denial. I think my mother loved me so much that she simply couldn't deal with what had happened. Maybe that's the same reason with your Mom?

As far as therapy is concerned. Can you change therapists since it seems this one isn't right for you. I don't understand why she would cut back your appts. when you are going through so much. I would think they should be increased.

I'm sorry about your house. Sandy was terrible. I live in TN so I wasn't affected by it but I know people who were. I hope your parents can start to agree more and get things together, maybe then you will feel more secure.

Also, you don't have to be suicidal to get into inpatient. I admitted myself once because my cutting was out of control and that's what I told them. I was admitted the same day.

I will be praying for you.

much love.
xxxxxxxxxx