Help! please

[Lauren95]

Hi I'm new so don't really know how this works! I came here because i don't really know what to do! I've felt like this for almost a year, and to be honest i don't really know how i feel. Im finding it hard to talk to people about my problems partly because i dont want them to worry and i dont want symathy and partly because they will ask why! Why do you feel like that? why are you in such a bad mood? Why? And i dont know the answer to that question I have no clue why! I feel lonely, upset, irritated all the time, they said dont be silly im here, but it didnt help and no one understands that I cant just cheer up! I want to though! so badly!

The first time I remember feeling like this was leaving the hospital after wishing my mum good luck as she was about to go into surgery as she was diagnosed with breast cancer last October! she had it removed but then we were told the dreaded news that it had spread to her bones! This time was very had for me being the oldest of three siblings I had to be strong for them, if they saw me worrying then they would start to panic so eventually I put on a brave face and didnt talk about my feelings to anyone as i didnt want to cause upset. She went through chemo and radio therapy and 6 months down the line was told her tumors were inactive!! Even when we got the good news i couldn't feel happy. Which absolutely killed me I had to pretend over dinners and breakfasts and parties. I had to pretend that I had never been so happy in my life but in truth i had never felt so bad and it just got worse. Throughout this time I found happiness in the form of drugs and alcohol, they let me forget eveything even if it was just for a couple of hours. Well about 8 months ago I was suspended from school due to this habit and my parents were informed so I stopped for them! I didnt want to worry them anymore. Now i have no way of stopping the sadness and i cant handle it! but i cant tell anyone cos they will worry and tell my mum and i dont want her to worry! how can i put this burden on her when she is struggling through this disease, the doctors said that lots of stress in day to day live may reactivate the tumors! I feel completely helpless there is noting i can do that will make her better! If i tell her she will worry and it will make it worse! Its killing me! My school keeps talking to me about how ive changed, not myself, seem down and that maybe i should go and see their councilor but i know she will tell the teachers what i will say and i know they will tell my mum. the thing is i really want to talk to some one about it and get help!

I have no clue what to do! Please help me

[PassedExpectations]

hi Lauren, welcome to ryl :)

i can empathize with not wanting to have people worry about me... i guess what it took me a long time to realize is that while i wasn't telling them anything, they were still really worried because they could see that i wasn't really ok... sometimes knowing something is wrong but not what it is, and imagining, is actually worse than just knowing the truth.

i kept things from my family for a long time, and what my mom said when she found out, even though it made her very worried, was that she wished i'd told her sooner so that she could have done her job as a parent to help me. but i didn't give her the option to do that...

i'm so glad that your mom is ok now, but that doesn't take away all the fear you experienced and everything that you and your family went through. do you have anyone who is not so immediately involved that you could talk to? talking to a counselor at school might be really helpful. they might have to talk to your parents, but they definitely shouldn't tell your teachers at school any more than the bare minimum that they need to know (like if you are allowed to leave class or something).

[MagpieBlues]

Hiya,

I just wanted to say that using the counselor for support sounds like a really useful thing. They always go over confidentiality in the first session and so you'd be able to ask what sort of stuff she would tell your parents, if any. If you decide that you don't want to do it, then there is nothing lost.

I really think it would be worth going along and checking it out a bit more before you make a decision - it sounds like you really need to talk to someone about what's going on and how you feel and if you feel unable to do that with your parents then there should be someone else you can talk to - maybe the counselor, or maybe a teacher you trust, or maybe your dad? If you just speak to your dad then he doesn't have to worry your mum with it.

Sometimes it's difficult to work out exactly why you feel upset, and if you have pushed your emotions down in order to look after everyone else, then it can become harder to tap into why you were feeling like that in the first place. Someone described emotion to me before as like a ball - you push it under the water and it just pops up even higher than before. So even though maybe what you were originally worried about has been resolved, because you felt you had to repress those feelings, then you might not have dealt with them still.

Even though your mum is ok now, which is brilliant, maybe you still need to talk about when she was ill and the effect it had on you and your family. Extreme feelings like that don't just go away suddenly the next day.

Take care and look after yourself love - and give the counselor a go, you never know it might surprise you..