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Graphic - Drugs, Sex, and Suicide [enter at own risk]
Well... Though I was not involved with most of the events listed above in the title at my friend's party... I feel very triggered by the whole thing...
First, let's me make a list of who is who and their "names". I'm not using their full name only letters of their name to keep privacy in case one of them happens to be an RYL member and sees this.
N = my friend who was hosting the party
A = friend's step-sister
Ev = step-sister's friend
Er = friend's brother
H = friend of my friend who was also at the party
Okay, so it started out as a regular normal sleepover party, right? Yea. But once we went up to N's room things slowly started shifting into a party that I had never been to. One involving cigarettes. At least, it started with cigarettes. As the party progressed into the night time, I felt more and more tempted to try a cigarette, but I kept chickening out. Though N wouldn't let me try anyways because she didn't want me to get addicted. Good job, N. I thank you very much for that. But then, something was brought out that I actually wanted to try and have been considering on and off about, weed. Please don't judge or yell at me about this... I'm still considering if I wanna try again since I didn't feel it the first time and the fact I don't want Philip to find out and hate me forever because in that moment, I broke a promise to him I wouldn't do drugs... But that's not the BAD thing here. Well, it's bad, but it helped me not be scared of Wrath anymore... BUT I STILL MAY NOT DO IT AGAIN!!! *sighs* I dunno... I'm still thinking about it, okay? I know the lectures, so please just don't focus on the fact I smoked weed. I just needed to let this out... It feels better to let things out inside of hiding them...
Anyways, here's the part where I get triggered... H apparently did the deed with Er when we all finally headed to bed which was at 6 a.m., but some, like me, had went to bed before 2 a.m. I woke up to N crying about it and tried to comfort her before going back to sleep. Then, at 11 a.m., I woke up again, went to eat breakfast, and watch people play Black Ops II. N's mom found out about Er and H partying a little too much and yelled at Er. He then proceeded upstairs. Most of us were watching Shrek at this point when N, A, and Ev went upstairs as well. Five-ten minutes later, I hear a blood curdling scream from N and running. The three came downstairs crying and screaming (N mostly did the screaming) that Er was trying to kill himself with a plastic bag. N's mom ran upstairs to stop him and she called non-emergency.
The scene when they came was similar to when I was hospitalized almost three years ago... I've been having flashbacks ever since, but Dustin calmed me down a bit, so they're not so frequent now...
But I still feel triggered to cut... The memories... They're horrible... Scary... I want them to go away... I've wanted to forget them long ago... But they keep haunting me... They're holding me back... I need to forget them, so I can move on with my life... So I can start healing... I feel like if I forget, I can finally heal... I need to heal!! It won't go away though!! Why won't the memories leave me be!?
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