Possible BPD and/or Histrionic personality disorder.

[CosetteDaae]

Well, I spoke to my psychologist again today.

Anyone who knows me knows I am quite... quirky, and I can often be melodramatic, even without meaning to. I told her I'd been lying on the internet for attention since I was 12. Munchausen by Internet. I explained to her that the attention I got made me feel indescribably good. But I have stopped within the last 2 years. Lying is not good. And now I feel guilty for having manipulated people.

I still need some sort of an outlet, though, so it would seem that I have depression due to a lack of fulfillment of my... really odd need for attention/sympathy.

At least, it seems that way.

I recognized that "normal" people do not have this need that I have, and I wondered why. She answered that other people find the same fulfillment in a career or in family or a hobby or something else. I suspect she doesn't understand. The feeling I got wasn't regular run-of-the-mill fulfillment. It was more like a high. She advised that I continue my Opera as acting is a great way to be melodramatic in a healthy way, but again, she does not understand that the limited fulfillment of doing things "healthily" pales in comparison to the rush I used to get from lying to someone on the internet for attention, or the relief that washes over me now when I collapse in agonized tears in a friend's arms... for no apparent reason.


I am so ashamed to talk about this, and upset because I know that even though I need REAL support for my very REAL depression, people might not want to give it to me for fear that they'd be fulfilling my "need". This is understandable on their part, as I suppose I wouldn't want to feel like I were fueling a sociopath's insanity. However I lament at the unfairness of it all- that people would find my need to be repulsive and filling me when I'm empty to be some sort of taboo.

Anyway, she said that while she will not diagnose me I show some tendencies of a "cluster B personality disorder" and that I am at risk for my depression turning into it if I keep going down the road I'm going. I'm scared, and I'm ashamed, and I don't want to be stigmatized and denied the comfort and support that I honestly feel I need as much as I need air.

[Stellata]

Aside from lying [I'm always painfully honest, albeit often one sided] I share so many of those symptoms, well, that human need for attention and sympathy etc. I understand how much it aches and hurts.

I also think it's good that you've not been clinically diagnosed at this point. It's similar for me - they focus clinically on the depression, but acknowledge there are also other difficulties going on.

I'm not posting on RYL much at all at the moment, but I wanted to drop by on this and tell you that you're not alone.

[CosetteDaae]

Thank you <3

[CosetteDaae]

As for, I dunno, the last year or two, I too have been "painfully honest, albeit one-sided"