Been getting very overwhelming nightmares. The visual content isn't graphic, but the emotions are very, very intense, and I awake and cry for hours. Last night it was even stronger, feel like I woke up aged six or seven, all raw and broken and open and for the first time, this stuff/feelings haven't been accessible like this ever before. Is this a good sign of healing or something, or am I getting more messed up?
The content of nightmares and feelings are terrifying me cos they are basically about how I am somehow 'different' from everyone else (as a child) and so people are allowed to do horrible things to me that they wouldn't to someone else, and no-one will stand up for me or stop them hurting me like they would for someone else. This is how I know I'm different, in my 'child' mind.
But I was never abused physically (as far as I know) and although I would say there was emotional abuse as a teenager (parents going thru hard time and I bore the brunt), I'm pretty sure my parents wouldn't have done anything awful when I was younger. I have early memories of feeling frustrated, left out, and different, and have spent all my life since I was very little trying to be accepted (I don't mean 'accepted' in with the popular people, I mean accepted somewhere/finding a place I fit in).
Anyway I don't understand why I'm different. I mean, I know logically that I can't be (and had a revelationary moment aged 18 where I realised I was worth the same as everyone else). Yet all my problems seem to lead back to this one thing, this terrified child who's different so people are allowed to hurt her.
WHY WHY WHY??? Why would I feel 'different' as a child? Why would people treat me 'differently'?? I have memories of not knowing how to stand up for myself, also of being ignored when I cried, by school teachers (this happened often).
Does anyone understand, or even better have some suggestions why a child might feel/be treated 'different'?
"I have a room for life at the home for the chronically groovy!" - Sgt Floyd Pepper
When I was a child, I was once abused sexually, several times physically, and countless times psychologically(at home and at school by). I used to hate sleeping because I usually had nightmares that involved being stabbed, falling from a building, being chased by monsters, being alone... It was a really bad time. However, during my childhood, my best friend at that time suggested that I fill my mind with thoughts of TV cartoons. Although the way he taught me meant giving up on my confidence in reality, it was my savior from nightmares.
The past is the past, you can not change it. The past is a dream that you should wake up from.
I know this is a really lame reply, but perhaps you could look up a few of the key things in a dream dictionary. If you google 'dream dictionary' there are quite a few good sites for doing it, it helps me understand my dreams better. Sometimes it can give you a clue as to what subconsciously is going on, sometimes you dream of things just because you've had a thought about it before sleep. Like if you dream of a duck randomly it probably has more significance than if you had duck pyjamas and therefore ducks were on your mind before you slept.
As for getting better/getting worse I don't know any kind of psychobabble about what it signifies, but I know that often you have to battle through the hardest of memories in order to make the happiest, best ones. Try to not to think about the kind of illness spectrum and where you stand on it, because I used to spend so much time wondering where I was and how I was than actually just accepting things as they are.
If you feel crap, you feel crap. If you feel good, you feel good ~ it doesn't mean you're getting better or worse y'know? Because better or worse don't matter!
"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?" - Alice, Alice in Wonderland
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I'm not really concerned about the dreams - the dreams just made it very clear where a lot/most of my hurt is coming from. It's not weird stuff I don't understand, instead my dreams reveal stuff I already know and feel deep down.
I KNOW I felt different as a child, and since, just not really put it into words before or realised how significantly it's affected me.
My question is really - how did this start? I wore glasses from the age of 3 and wondered if this meant I was treated differently in preschool and beyond? (was with same children from preschool aged 3 until juniors aged 11)
I'm just trying to figure out logically what happened, and the truth. I have done this with other past painful events and unpicked then all to look at rationally and disperse the hurt. But this is more than one event - since I was tiny I have been constantly reminded I'm worth less than others and allowed to be hurt - I want to know how it started.
Why was I picked on and ostracised above others? I was quiet and cautious but kind, not bullying (apparently). I also was never very sporty, wore glasses and was painfully shy. This seems to be enough to set me apart from the start, however why did teachers join in treating me different, I remember being ignored when I cried so many times and feeling like others were allowed to bully me and if I told a teacher it was brushed aside. Because of this I never asked for help with the pain inside until I was 19, then I got brushed aside again as "BPD" (misdiagnosis but shocking treatment).
I can barely type this without feeling like I should destroy myself.
"I have a room for life at the home for the chronically groovy!" - Sgt Floyd Pepper
