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Abbi
Join Date: Apr 2012
I am currently:  
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I just... I don't even know
So, awhile ago, I got into a VERY long argument/shouting match with my dad and I RUINED my vocal chords. I couldn't talk for two weeks AT ALL. I felt kind of lucky that I know the ASL alphabet and have a friend who is not only fluent in ASL, but is also super friendly and taught me a lot of signs as I spelled words I didn't know (I'm practically fluent now, since it turns out you pick stuff up quickly when you have no easier way to communicate. Can someone say "job opportunities?"). A week ago, I got my voice back, and I've been talking normally at home, but when I get to school or swim practice (synchronized swimming, it's year round), or anywhere in public, I just... Don't. It's like I almost can't physically get myself to speak to anyone besides my family. I tried to the day after I got my voice back at school, since I hadn't uttered a single word to my girlfriend for two weeks and felt bad, but... I dunno, it felt like my throat had completely clamped up and I just couldn't get myself to make any noise. I just went back to signing and writing things down when my one friend wasn't around. The only person I've talked to outside of my family is my duet partner when I was at her house and we were working on our routine, and that was such a quiet whisper it was almost silent. Everyone else, I've just continued saying "my throat still hurts," (they've become EXTREMELY familiar with the signs for that) and acting like my voice isn't back yet, even though it is, I mean, my throat isn't even sore anymore!
And the ONLY reason I kind of want to know what's going on and get some help is because my grade in Spanish is dropping. It's a class that you HAVE to speak in, since it IS a language and a lot of our grade is based off of speaking quizzes. If I can't do those, I'll fail, and I CAN'T afford that. I mean, other than that... I almost don't want help. Yeah, conversations would be a lot smoother if I didn't have to sign and/or write things, and it'd be nice to talk in English again, especially because I'm doing a presentation on a topic that I am VERY passionate about (that being gay marriage, since it's kind of personal, I am a lesbian), and I love participating in the debates we have in class, but... I can't tell if just I don't want to speak or of I'm afraid to, and that's because these past three weeks, I haven't had to deal with hardly any bullies. I was bullied pretty severely before, to the point that I was skipping gym (I'm a little goody two shoes, I HATE skipping), but since I've stopped speaking, they haven't bothered me at all, and when they do, it's easier to ignore them. But... I don't know. That's not entirely it, I KNOW it's not, because I was already learning how to avoid them and still get credit, turns out I can just walk in circles in the hallway around the gym and get partial credit, that's enough for me.
I also don't want to tell my friends what's going on, mostly because I know for a fact they won't take me seriously. It's kind of a defense mechanism we've all built up after this one girl we WERE friends with who always took things too far when it came to her issues. And by this I mean that the day after my great grandma, who I was REALLY close to, closer than any of my other family members, died, she rolled her eyes at me when I started crying, told me to stop being over-dramatic, and then began whining because her dad wouldn't buy her something or something like that. And when she found out that it was because my great grandma died, did she apologize? Technically, yes. IN A HUGE WHINY JOURNAL. ON DEVIANTART. WHICH IS COMPLETELY PUBLIC, AND WHICH SHE KNOWS I NEVER READ. And she was like that to EVERYONE. So it's understandable that, after cutting all ties off with her, we have a sort of "don't take anything seriously" defense up. But there's also the fact that, with stuff like this with me especially... A lot of them seem to have this idea in their head that I'm an attention whore, so I feel like if I tell them that this is my problem, they'll treat me the same way we treated her, and I'm also worried that my girlfriend will leave me, since she was one of the ones hurt the most by that other girl, and she has a very "I won't put up with any bullshit" kind of attitude... I mean, right now, since my "sore throat" has been lasting for so long, she's trying to at least learn the alphabet so we can still do skype video chats until my voice "comes back." What if I tell her that I CAN talk again, but just... CAN'T to anyone besides my family and apparently my duet partner, who is pretty much my sister, since we have to spend SO much time together? I mean... If I would her, I'd leave me immediately for lying like that. And with my other friends... I mean... Wouldn't you be pissed off if one of your closest friends told you that she got her voice back a week ago after being mute for two weeks, but kept on not talking because she was afraid to talk again or something? Wouldn't you feel hurt that she was scared to talk around you, when you two have been up until the early morning talking about your deepest secrets? I know I would. I'm so worried that they'll find out about this and abandon me that I tried to change my username because my this one is one that I use everywhere, and I'm so worried about my friends finding this that I felt that I needed to make sure it wouldn't show up in a google search of it. I'm too... Worried I guess... To wait, though.
And I don't want to tell my guidance counselor, since I'm worried that I'll wind up sounding stupid and attention seeking. Hell, I'm reluctant to post this because I really feel like I sound stupid and attention seeking. I feel like no one will take me seriously... I just don't know where else to go. I mean, in a matter of three weeks, I went from the extremely talkative loud one to the mute who can't get herself to talk to her friends or anyone else. What happened to me?
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