I wish someone could say "I know how you feel" but they can't...
No one can say this. I have met no one who gave up their child wilingly at 5 years old. In 3 years my little Keith will be an adult. I have been feeling alot of panic and guilt lately. He stays on my mind all the time. Kaleb's christmas presents have already been ordered. I always get him more than Keith. I have to...there is no one for him except his grandparents but he expects santa, of course. So, my son gets less from me. But he is very well taken care of, but as he is getting so much older, I wish so much that it was me that had raised him so well.
My guilt is overwhelming and that leads to sadness. I'm a bit scared of myself. I'm going to my Mom's for 2 days to just get away from the stress of being here. She needs me also. There was a terrible car wreck and an 8 year old little boy died. She knew him closely as she worked at the daycare he went to. She descibed how she gave him bottles, changed his diapers, and watched him grow. Also, her husband's brother died this morning. Everything seems so sad. I don't want to celebrate the holidays. But I know I have to for Kaleb. I don't think I will be seeing Keith. It's been almost a year since I've seen him.
I feel alone because no one can relate. I feel terrible but I'm trying so hard to stay positive. It comes in waves. I want sleep but it won't come.
i can't relate exactly, but my baby daughter was taken into foster care 2 months ago and im currently going through court to get her back. final hearing is in March. and right now, honestly it's not looking incredibly likely that I'll win.
i know it's not the same situation, and i haven't spoken to you before, but i am sure you had your reasons for giving up your son, and i can imagine it was a very difficult thing to do.
*hugs*
xxx
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Of course you do more for kaleb - he's younger, little kids always get more than older ones anyway. You gave keith the gift of life, and he's had a good one - you selflessly gave him up to give him a better chance in life - no amount of christ as presents can match what you've done. You'v put aside your feelings for years now because he is settled where he is, one day when he's able to fully understand you'll tel, him how much you wanted to bring him home. He loves you, you're his mom, if he'd ended up being taken from you, you might never have seen him again.
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
Thank you both. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply.
I've been reclusive. I haven't been online at all in almost a week. I just lie in bed...waiting. I don't know what I'm waiting for..feeling useless..helpless. We are completely broke. I didn't even have enough money to cover the monthly bills due to Christmas. My grandma is helping us and I got a guilt trip from my sister saying that I don't do anything to help myself but our grandma helps me ut she should be helping my brother because he is in college and working hard. I just take and take. Rarely have anything to give except myself and my family doesn't seem to like me much lately. Mom told me that I was "slacking" Keith but taking care of kaleb. She told me it was wrong because Keith is MY son and Kaleb isn't my responsibility. But I've been rasing Kaleb for over 5 years now. I never saw this coming. This wasn't intentional. It just happened. Am I to feel guilty about it? Just another guilt factor....I hate this life. I want so badly to move on to the next one. I'm terrified to do it on purpose now. I'm afraid I will be punished forever. But why? Why can't this life be ENOUGH punishment?
It all makes me sick. When I go to sleep..I never want to wake up. But I always do and it's so ****ing deprsessing. I open my eyes and am immediately disappointed. Selfish? Maybe. But I don't think I can judge anyone if I haven't lived their life. Life changes you into something you never thought you'd be...good and bad. All experiences are different even if similar.
I put our tree up. I decorated it. I put candy canes on it. The lights are blue and white. really pretty. it's for Kaledb. I hate looking at it. But it's sat here in the room with me shining...disgusting.
I hate Christmas...I can celebrate Christ's birth any day I please....Santa Claus sucks. Kids rely on this fanatsy man for years and it put too much pressure on me. I hate all this. I want my son. I want his red hair, his freckles. I want Keith.
He's taller than me now.
My head is pounding after plenty of ibuprofen. Damnit.
Rach your family broke you, but they seem clueless as to why you're damaged and hurting. They constantly make you feel small but seem to think it's ok.
You need to edit the amounts out, love you x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
I wanted to tell you that my Mom apologized to me :) I told her that I registered for a $500 gift card on Amazon, and I told her if I actually got it that I was going to use it on Keith for Christmas. She told me no and that I should use it on little kaleb because Keith has plenty. She said she thought about it and was wrong for telling me that I was slacking Keith. It made me feel really good :) I probably won't win it but if I do, I'm going to split it between the two of them! PRAY please! It would be so great!
But I'm just really happy about what Mom said.
My sister still hasn't talked to me but I spoke to my grandma about it and she told me that Becca is just that way and not to worry about it, and that she would come around one day. I'm feeling a bit better :)
