Sorry

[Cacoethes]

I think I made a thread last Friday too. But weekends are always awful.
This weekend especially.

I've been an emotional wreck all week, starting Tuesday, when I decided to go wandering around a random town late at night. But at least I was happy. Too happy, but its better than this.

Ive started seeing the 'things' again. Like being forced to watch a scene from a film over and over again. Which kills me every time.
I was going to see my cpn today, but she cancelled because she had an assessment to do, so I was going to see the social worker, but she couldn't come to see me because she was the duty worker and couldn't leave. I really needed to see someone. So got the train from after seeing Jasmine, to the other side of the county, which meant going into London, then underground, then back out of London to get to the cmht.
I got there just in time.

Last night, I wrote down the scene that I keep seeing, it was awful to write down, I ended up taking a small od of sleep meds so I could go to sleep at 5:30, because that's all I could do to cope with it.

I showed the social worker what I wrote. She started off saying that those kind of thoughts are normal for a new mum, but then read it and changed her mind. She said she found it very distressing to read. I said I'd tried all the distraction I could, bath, painting nails, she said I was 'too intelligent' for the usual distraction techniques, which is bullshit because I know people far more clever than me who use these techniques and they work.
She also said that I can't be writing things down like that, because if social services saw it, then I'd be fucked. Now I'm terrified that its gone down in notes. Though the piece of paper is now well and truly destroyed. It remains locked in my head again. Not to be let out. Ever.
I can't talk to anyone.

Jasmine was so grisly today, I couldn't say goodbye to her because I knew she would cheer up when the carer came to pick her up, she did, I heard her, and I couldn't bear it today. I was already in floods of tears. I love that Jasmine is happy, but I'm sad that I cant make her happy.
I've stopped breastfeeding too. I feel like I've failed. I wanted to breastfeed for at least 6 months, but I'm just not producing enough milk anymore.

I'm a mess.

[xxhappydaysxx]

Hey Beckie,

I just wanted to reply so you know I care. I really know that nothing will help you at the moment, it must be so painful being away from Jasmine, and dealing with all the images and thoughts on top of that. Personally, I think you were very brave to show the social worker what you wrote, because I feel it is great you are dealing with things with writing rather than with other unhealthy coping mechanisms. I know how hard it can be to resort to other things, so well done for 1) writing it out and 2) showing someone.

Does writing help you? I think with distractions, it is hard, because if your mind is particularly busy, then it is hard to find something which really distracts you, but equally if you write it might help because it can be gauged to the level you want it to be.

Is there anyone you can see over the weekend? Obviously, a professional would be great, if possible over the weekend, but even having people like friends around you may be very helpful.

I wish I could take it all away. I believe you deserve Jasmine with you, and you are working so so hard to fight all this in order to do the best by her. I really admire the strength you have shown and hope you get the right support to keep fighting.

x

[talaiporia]

Becky, I'm sorry things are so awful right now. If you're still awake, it might be worth getting some sleep and seeing how you are in the morning.

Try to be gentle with yourself this weekend, and make sure you're eating and drinking enough.

Take care.

[Cacoethes]

Thank you so much for replying. Honestly. <3
I can't remember ever feeling this bad.

Writing it down just made it worse, I knew it would because I've tried before. But I needed to get it over and done with because I can't cope with it alone anymore.
I can't stop thinking about one thing my social worker said though, and that is that this is all coming from me, my thoughts, my head. I'm sure she didn't mean it in a horrible way, but I feel physically sick that these disgusting images, things that she said she found distressing to read, are coming from me. What kind of mother does that make me.

I'm having to take more and more pills just to block it out.
I usually have frequent fluctuations in mood, but I've felt constantly low for 3/4 days. And I can't see it getting better soon.

I don't have anyone around this weekend. No friends geographically close, my family can't see me because my step dad doesn't like me and he's only home at weekends and thinks that my family spend enough time running round after me during the week.

Sorry. More ranting. Gah!

[Cacoethes]

You must have replied the same time as me Sophia.

Thank you for replying. <3
I've felt too sick to eat much the last few days. But I'll try. I'll set alarms on my phone to remind me.

[talaiporia]

I guess she means those thoughts aren't real. Do you feel you have any control over them? Sometimes with intrusive thoughts we're able to push them away a little, and soemtiems not so mcuh.

Are the pills prescribed/right dosages?

[Cacoethes]

I try really hard to stop them. But I never can. I use so much energy fending them off, that I eventually realise I'm delaying the inevitable and just have to deal with it.
But every time it happens I feel like another piece of me is ripping out.

[talaiporia]

Would it help to get some sleep? It might make you more prepared to fight the images/thoughts.

[whirlpools]

I can relate a lot to having distressing images/disturbing thoughts. They used to lead me to think I was a really bad person and, like you, tried to fight them off. I read something about intrusive thoughts/imagery and learnt that the trick is not to fight them off. It's like, if you said to yourself, "I must not think of a polar bear" - it's all you'd be able to think of. I wish I could remember the articles I read on dealing with these thoughts. Maybe look up 'intrusive thoughts' on Google, it might be able to offer the right advice. Essentially, it's about finding a way to accept that those thoughts are there, but that thoughts alone don't make you a bad person, nor do these thoughts mean you're going to act on them.

It's not your fault you feel like this, at all.

[Cacoethes]

There is nothing I want to do more than sleep. but even with the pills its difficult.
And I'm struggling to get the motivation to physically move. Probably best that way, then I can't do anything stupid.

[talaiporia]

Why don't you go lie down in bed and see how you feel? Sometimes we're more tired than we think, and at least you'd be resting.

[Cacoethes]

Laura, it's not thoughts as such, it's like being forced to watch a film clip over and over again. Complete with soundtrack.

Horrible, disgusting things happening to jasmine. And being forced to watch it. And knowing that I am capable of making these things up.

It's killing me.

[Cacoethes]

I usually just toss and turn for hours, the go into a light sleep, then wake up, toss and turn again.
I will try though, I know what you mean, and tonight I may be lucky.

I was thinking about going for a walk to tire myself out? Might work?

[talaiporia]

It might, but after your walk the other night, it's not a good idea. Maybe you could reserve walking for day-time hours, like in the afternoon instead.

For now, lying down and reading a book might be a good idea.

[Cacoethes]

Yeah, good point.
I really don't want to end up in trouble.
I'm really scared of ending up how I did before. Night time walks have had me sectioned once and recalled once. In custody many times, and I really don't want to be going that way again.
Because I'll lose jasmine forever.

I've been wanting to move off the seat for ages.but still not managed it.
Everything just seems so pointless. I haven't felt this consistently low for a long long time.

[talaiporia]

It's okay; just stay inside, read a book, or watch TV, and lie down. maybe you'll get a little sleep.

You sound very tired Becky, even though you say you're not, so I really think it's a good idea to get up, lie down in bed and read/try to sleep.

[Cacoethes]

I'm going to have a go at sleeping
I didn't even realise the time., I thought it was 8pm or something.

Thanks x

[talaiporia]

Take care Becky. :)

[Cacoethes]

i called samaritans last night. im not even sure why.
then took more pills and went to sleep.
i still feel as bad as i did yesterday, and the day before and the day before.
i can't remember the last.time i was consistently in one mood for this long. i don't like it.

[talaiporia]

Did you get enough sleep?
I'm sorry things are so difficult Becky, but I'm glad you called them.