People have different reasons for why they SH, and I was just wondering what reasons people on here have. Was it because you wanted to punish yourself? Was it because you felt overwhelmed by everything going on in your life, and needed to relieve tension? Was it because you felt dissociated and wanted to feel real again? Was it because you felt like you needed to feel in control over something in your life? Was it a method of communicating distress to others (i.e. "a cry for help")? Was it because you wanted to see blood?
For me, it was mainly punishment, control and feeling overwhelmed. I am curious as to what reasons everyone else here had/has?
To be honest my reasons pretty much covered everything you've just said. I hated myself and felt evil so I constantly wanted to punish myself. I used to have control in my life, until everything happened which I simply couldn't control, such as my parents divorce and my dog getting taken away. I was depressed for about five years, so it was a major distress call which unfortunately no one really picked up on (which is why I wouldn't advise self-harm as a way of crying for help!) I was riddled with anxiety, so never really knew how to calm myself, though as my self-harm came as part of a small ritual, I always had an after-care 'routine', so I felt like if nobody else was looking after me, I was looking after myself.
Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world awaits in darkness for the light that is you.
I always self harmed for a variety of reasons, varying with each SI/SH episode as well as with time. I've done it recently out of a sense of self-hatred and punishment because I, believing what I was told in anger, believed that I shouldn't feel how I'd been feeling and in that sense it was to control my feelings (depression and anxiety) and to punish out of anger aimed at myself at having them in the first place.
I've also SI'd because I was depressed and wanted the depression to just go away because I knew it was getting in the way. I frequently SI because I'm overwhelmed or anxious and use it as a way to relieve the tension and anxiety.
I started getting into the habit of hurting myself as a way to punish myself. But then i realized that I always felt good after for some reason, and then it became a way to feel better and be almost "comforted." It also has that way of making you feel in control, so I suppose that could be a reason in it as well.
I started self harming out of curiosity but eventually I began to do it to regulate my emotions. When I was feeling bad.emotions the pain and blood from cutting helped to focus my mind on one thing and stopped my negative emotions. Another reason was that I had.so much going in my head that my self harm justified my feelings of pain. Sometimes though I would self harm for the.sake of doing it. Self harm to me stupidly made me.feel big and in control and made.me think I was in control if my emotions. Thankfully Ian in recovery now.
At first (when I was twelve) it was to punish myself. I honestly had no clue that there was a definition for it (self-harm) I thought I was just bad and I deserved to be punished. (I was being bullied, which made me hate myself, so I believed in my head that I had to make myself look as ugly on the outside as I did on the inside), overtime though, it turned into a stress reliever, and that's when I started to become "addicted". I also got better at hiding it, and was able to "not go out of hand", and I also kept denying that I was SHIng at the extent I was... So to shorten it... At first as punishment, then as a stress reliever and lately as "control".
I was bullied and sexually abused throughout my teenage years. I felt out of control and desperately unhappy. I wanted something I could control (to this day when I feel out of control I SI), and a way to express how I was feeling. The parents and teachers were doing nothing to help me at all.
Wannabe CPN : -)
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For me it was control, I was bullied throughout school and was put into a situation that I couldn't control at all, I'm a bit of a control freak so for me it served it's purpose.
When I first started, I think it was connected with coming to terms with my sexuality, hating the fact that I had to hide it and then also because I realised that I was never going to see one of my crushes ever again.
Then I stopped. A bit later, I found myself in the same destructive vicious circle, but this time for different reasons. I didn't know it at the time, but I was (am) depressed. I was using self-harm as a way of dealing with the numb feeling, as a punishment or to deal with stress. It's something I still struggle with, but I'm learning to cope in other ways.
For me it is usually a way to reaffirm my own reality. I've always had a sense that I was separated by a thin layer from everything, and si breaks through that. It is also about punishment sometimes though. I've always struggled with just really disliking myself, and si is a way to punish myself for all those things I hate.
“Too late, I found you can't wait to become perfect, you got
to go out and fall down and get up with everybody else.” Ray Bradbury in Something Wicked This Way Comes
At first, I really wasn't sure why, or even what I was doing. I was twelve, and all I knew was that hurting myself helped me deal with my dad's death. As time went on, not only was it an addiction, but it was a means of control and a way to level my emotions and calm my anger.
She's not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention, 'cause that's just ridiculously odd.
At first it was control. I couldn't control what I felt emotionally, so I controled what I felt physically. Then I did it because it calmed me down when I would have a panic attack. But now? Now I feel sick and twisted because I love the way it feels but mostly because I LOVE the way it looks. I actually sink into a deeper depression when there arn't lines on my arms.
For me it was easier to deal with "SI issues" then the real ones. It was like a way to ignore my real problems and I made ones I could control.
THAT. That all the way for me. I also do it as a way to show people I'm hurting on the inside. Which makes me an attention whore. Hating myself for it, too.
And also, I like having a strict after-care routine. It is very comforting and soothing to me.
I've never really done it to punish myself. Honestly, it has been a way to survive. When I started doing it at 16, I used it to have a sense of control (my family life had gone to hell and school was miserable). Eventually I developed really bad anxiety in my college years and it was a way to get a release and relax, almost let the "bad blood" or negative emotions out. The last reason would be to create a way to take care of myself. If I do it, then it brings to the surface (external) what I am feeling inside (internal) and now my life makes sense. Cleaning up and taking care of my wounds was so gratifying, it was/is the only way I know how to nurture myself. I've had to take care of myself emotionally my whole life and this made sense.
It's been interesting seeing other responses and knowing that I'm not alone. Thanks for this thread!
when i was high:
just to give me something to concentrate on mainly. i had a very erratic/fast brain and it was tiring, sometimes it was nice to just sit and focus on one thing.
I generally SI when I'm overwhelmed. For me, it's not really about control, or lack of it, but just that when I get overwhelmed, I blame myself for it. I feel like it's my fault, for not focusing, for not taking my meds, for procrastinating, for not working every second of everyday, for not sleeping enough, for not acting normal enough, for letting things get so bad. Once I'm overwhelmed, I freeze and I start to wallow until I feel numb. So SI is about waking myself up. Spurring myself into action. Not letting myself wallow. It's a punishment, but also a comfort, and mostly a way to snap myself back to reality.
"Absoloodle!"
"He was a fierce hunter, but he was small and easily squished."
I self-injure for lots of reasons. When emotions are piling up, hitting myself or cutting serves as a release. Harming is a way of venting emotions I feel I can't speak, or when I don't feel heard by others. Seeing fresh cuts or bruises makes me feel like my pain matters. I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorders, but never depression. I've also never been abused. I felt (and still feel) like I don't have a "good" reason to self-harm. (Deep down I know that any reasons why someone self-harms matters, but I still have a hard time believing it.)
During harming I don't feel pain but rather release (probably because of the endorphines) as if all the pent up stuff crap is draining out of me. I also immediately felt better afterwards, which is why I kept doing it.
Control is another big reason. When things feel like they are out of control, I feel like one thing I do have control over is my body. Harming myself and then watching the bruises or cuts heal gives me a sense of calm.
I harmed mainly for control after my friend's suicide, and not feeling able to talk about/deal with the pain I felt in a healthy way.
I also SI when my OCD acts up. I am working toward recovery.
Last edited by Celticroots : 15-11-2012 at 04:26 AM.
THAT. That all the way for me. I also do it as a way to show people I'm hurting on the inside. Which makes me an attention whore. Hating myself for it, too.
And also, I like having a strict after-care routine. It is very comforting and soothing to me.
I really dislike the term "attention whore." Wanting/needing attention is not a bad thing, but there are healthier ways of getting it.
If someone self-harms for attention (i am not implying that the original person who replied is.) that is still a cause for concern. Anyone hurting themselves on purpose is a cause for concern, whether or not someone hides the behavior.
