Triggering (SI/Abuse) - Is this abuse? (long, small mention of SI)
Every once in a while, my mother has a phase of being nasty to me. My support worker says that it is emotional abuse, but I am not sure.
She is, and has done so multiple times in the past, fond of telling me that she wishes that I was dead. Not only that, that she never wanted me, and that she wished that I had an abortion. Not drunk or angry, just completely calm.
I used to live with a partner. Sometimes he would go and visit his kids from a previous marriage, who lived with their mother (not that I was unwelcome or anything, but at times I felt that he needed time alone without me tagging along), without me. So I would go and stay with her. At the time, my brother was in uni, and due to the way my dad worked, there was just us 2 in the house. She used to record some songs off one of the sky music channels, and she used to play the songs to me. All the time, she would tease me, and taunt me, saying that my ex was using me, he wanted me for abuse. That he would always be unfaithful. That nobody wants me, except to abuse me. Although me and my partner have spilt up (and have been for about 2 years now), she still has the DVD. How do I know? She played it to me. Every single weekend for the past couple of weeks, she has done.
When I was with my ex, she tried to seduce him. He didnt fall for it, though. But she did everything in her power to split us up. Telling me lies about him.
When I was with my ex, she also used to send me poison pen letters. From what it said, there was only one of two people who knew a certain secret. My ex confronted one, she denied it. We didnt think it was her (the other person), although she had plenty of reason to hate me, it was not her style. Even when we moved, the letters continued. The other person did not have my address. Even this week, I have had poison pen letters. That is the only good thing about the postal strike, there isnt going to be any. But I am scared.
When I had my old old computer, she used to read my email. My ex (when we werent living together) sent me a sexually explicit photo, for my eyes only. When she was drunk, she admitted that to my ex. Consequently, every computer I had since, had been password protected to hell. When I moved back to my parents after the spilting up of the relationship, she used to read my mail. Even now, when stuff comes to their house (thankfully I dont live with them anymore and it's nothing personal anyway), she opens it up and reads it. But still.
Whenever I was a kiddie, and even an adult, she always used to give no privacy. She, along with my dad, treated me as a 5 year kiddie, and still do.
She has, on multiple occasions, including lately, called me a slut and a whore. She makes fun of me of my weight, of everything. Even today, when she came to pick me up (I am at their house right now), she had a go at my flat. It's not untidy or incredibly messy, it's just that it is not up to her standards. She has constantly downgraded me. Until 2001, I didnt know how to cook or look after a house, since she never taught me. Even when I was living at their house, when I tried to clean up her room, she would do it for me. If I did it myself, I would get slapped and she would do it anyway. Saying that I was useless, I feel useless.
My support worker is having to teach me how to iron because I dont know how to. I tried once and my ex wasnt impressed, so he did it for me. 26 years old and I dont know how to iron. How pathetic is that.
She also think that I should get a job. No matter how many times I told her because of my mental health problems (she knows that they exist, my psychatrist has told them that they exist. I have been in the psych unit 3 times so far, and each time she has visited me. I have schizophrenia), I cant get a job, it's only this year I have managed to be stable. She knows about my SI, both of those issues, she says that I am doing it for attention. Well if I wanted attention, I would run naked in the local town, wouldnt I? That would get me attention, LOL.
She constantly has a go at me for my weight, and generally makes me feel like nothing. The past few weeks, I felt awful. So much so, I want to cut her out of my life. Last week I SI'ed, the first time since early July.
It feels that whatever I do, I will never live up to her expectations. I am scared when I visit her now, that I will say or do something that will upset her.
My support worker knows all of this, and she says that she is emotionally abusing me. I dont know, but I would appreciate some opinions.
If you have read all of this, thanks :)
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
Emotional abuse is hard to pin point because theres a a fine line bew
tween abuse and just being nasty.But i would say that this is almost certainly emotional abuse. I' sorry you've had to suffer all of this it must be aweful for you...
Right now, I feel like the only thing, for my health and sanity, is to stop talking to her. In the past, when I was living away from home (like I do now) I stopped talking to her for this kind of behaviour. That is why my support worker is teaching me to iron, because I dont know how to, right now she is doing my washing and ironing for me (I have a washing machine in the flat).
I really dont want to SI, but if she carries on, she will drive me into an SI frenzy. It doesnt help that my ex is trying to manipulate me (another story), but I can ignore him, but the stress of him contacting me and my mother is more than I can bear at the moment. Plus I am in counselling for sexual abuse.
I just want a life free from abuse. It sounds cruel, but if I have to cut my mother out of my life to give myself some sort of break, then that looks like what I will have to do. I blame myself, if I was perfect and lived up to her expectations, then I wouldnt be in this mess. I feel like a bad person. Maybe I am.
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
I woiuldn't say it's not abuse but it's hard to tell whether it is. [I hope that made sense]
It probably would be a good idea not to talk to her as much if she's upsetting you really...
I'm sorry I'm not sure what more I can say....*hugs*
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
I would be inclined to say that your mother has a history of behaving abusively towards you.
Emotional abuse is generally defined as derogatory treatment that effects social, intellectual and/or emotional development negatively in the long term.
So, under that definition, yes, it could be classed as abuse.
All abuse is about power and powerlessness. Your mother definitely seems to have been using you to inflate her personal sense of power and control.
No one can be perfect m'dear.And you're far from a bad person. Only your mom is responsible for the way she treated /is treatting you. think that cutting her completely out of your life would be a good thing. At least until you feel enough strength to confront her or talk to her w.e. It's good that you're seeing a proffesional. Do you speak to them about the abuise from your mother? That might help too...
It's good that you're seeing a proffesional. Do you speak to them about the abuise from your mother? That might help too...
Chels.x
My sexual abuse counsellor and I have only had a couple of sessions, so we are still at the "getting to know you" stage, so she doesnt know about it.
My support worker (a different person) knows about this, but not the poison pen letters I have been getting lately though. (She knows about them in the past, though.) She is trying to help me, bless her, but short of killing my mother or me taking the decision to cut my mother completely out of my life, her hands are tied, to a certain extent.
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
Perhaps telling your support worker would be a good idea hunny ... She may be able to talk to her or something...
Ah ok,good luck with the counsilling then :)
Perhaps telling your support worker would be a good idea hunny
I will probably do that. I was talking to her on Friday, and she said that next week that we should do some work on issues regarding my mother (whatever that means). Either way, I have had enough of her.
I know that (because of the way she behaves) that my mother will go back to being her normal non abusive self, but I dont know how long that will be. In the past (I dont feel it now), it has gotten so bad that I have tried to kill myself. But I am annoyed that she made me lose my SI free days, prior to July I was 9 months free. I want that 9 months back and without my mother being cruel, I was on the way.
I feel jealous when people have a good relationship with their mother or even have a supportive parent, I never had that. Even my ex's mother was better and more supportive than my mother. Throughout my life I have had nothing but emotional neglect from my mother. I was well cared for physically, but I just want someone to accept me for who I am.
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
I can relate to what you're saying asbout the jealousy of other supportive parents and wishing yours had been like that. People wil laccept you for who you are with time sweetheart. And by the sounds of it,your support worker already has.
I'm sorry you lost 9 months free.But everyone has slip ups. This just proves that you can stay free and that you don't need the Self Injury to keep going. You have strength inside of you and you casn beat this with the help of those around you.
This isn't worth your life sweetheart.You're so much better than Suicide. Don't let her and her cruel ways defeat you and bring you down. I know it's hard,but hold your head in the clouds and prove to her that you're strong and don't need her.
Your support worker probably mean coping methods or some form of discussion about the past etc. It should prove useful to tak to someone about your mother and the way she's been treated you...
Thanks for that victim+of+hate. My support worker sent me a text message telling me to be strong no matter what she (my mother) throws at me.
As for help, I dont know what she means, but I know she has helped a lot of people in the past who have just come out of abusive relationships, I guess I will find out next week.
I dont feel suicidal right now, and I didnt last week either. Just that if my mother carries on, I will do so. I havent felt suicidal for over a year now, and I dont want to be. I have so much to live for, I know that.
As for the SI, I was annoyed, but it was at the only time my method of coping with my mother. I want to wear the pretty (beaded) bracelets again. Thankfully I didnt cut that deep. But still, it's 3 months lost.
I texted my support worker about what my mother said about the flat, she said (and they do regular property inspections) that I did not have to worry on that score, if I wasnt keeping the flat in a good state it would come up then. Also, my support worker visits me in the flat at least once a week, if it was really crappy it would get picked up on. My mother is the type that likes her house to be one permanent show home (nothing out of place etc) and just because my flat is not like that doesnt mean that I get abuse for it. I call it lived in!! My support worker came to see (before I lived where I live now) me when I lived there and recently she admitted she was scared to walk on the carpet, let alone sit down (my mother was not even in the house) because of the immaculate state it was in!!
It looks increasingly likely that the only way is to have distance with me and my mother. Especially if I change my mobile phone number, then she cant bombard me with texts or calls. I once not talked to her for 4 months, I will do that again if need be. I just have to wait and see what my support worker says next week.
Wannabe CPN : -)
"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson "I hear those voices that will not be drowned" Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
RIP Kat 4th July 1987- 11th June 2013
I think changing your phone number would be a good idea.
I'm glad that you don't feel suicidal and haven't for a while. You're right,you do have so much to live for.Such a bright future.I'm glad you didn't cut to deeply. Keep going , those bracelets will look wonderful on you :).
As long as you keep your place clean,then that's all that matters babe. And if your support worker agrees that it's fine then don't worry about that aspect. Just because she loves to have her house spotless doesn;t mean you should to :)
