The longest ramble/rant ever.

manic_felinemistress · 29-10-2012, 11:49 PM

So I'm nearing the end of the first semester of my sophomore year at *college*. The workload is insane, and between juggling that, the mental and physical cluster***s of PTDS, schizoaffective, Bipolar II, Aspergers, dizzy and fainting spells. I'm a bit worn out of by the end of the day,
especially since one of my roommates brings back the entire Computer Animation lab with her every night. I'm in apartment style dormitory (with 3 other girls) so I just go and hermit myself in my room or go to my boyfriend's place for the night when the entire CA major manages to squeeze into the flat. I have confronted her about this, but she doesn't understand the difference between her idea of quiet and mine. I'm okay with her bringing friends over, and I know most of them, but when it's like 6-14 people from 11 PM to 5 AM it's a bit overwhelming. They're not rambunctious or anything, they just do homework together. But not being able to have time alone... ever.. is kinda not aiding me in keeping stuff together. I talking to my other roommates and they said they weren't comfortable with it either but were afraid to say anything. ??
So lately I've just been hiding out behind the Fine Arts buildings, they're usually rather desolate and it helps me recharge for a little while at least.

This post is kind of rambling I'm sorry, I haven't posted on here in a while and I don't know what to say yet I have everything to say ahah?

Aside from roommates, who I do dearly love, I'm finally out in the dating pool again. I broke up with my ex about a year ago and I decided I was ready to move on. Not going to actively seek, but open to the idea of moving on. One of my best friends started courting me and we just kinda slipped into a relationship and now we've been dating for about two months? He's surprisingly cool and level headed about all my mental twitches. It's great to feel like you're on equal plane with someone.

I realized recently though I can't fully open up to him though because I'm terrified of being betrayed again;
what happened was my brother-- he's very intelligent, extremely manipulative, and not stable at all, but the best actor that ever existed-- he didn't like my ex and my brother somehow managed to convince him that I lied to about things constantly and I fake my illness. Why? I don't know. But after my ex spoke to my brother any trust or openness there was in his eyes was gone.
I've actually been having nightmares of my boyfriend giving me the same look my ex did.
I know I must be being paranoid and irrational, but what do I do to get over this?

Bubsy · 30-10-2012, 12:22 AM

If your brother is truly like this, you should warn your current boyfriend about him and how he is, maybe tell him what happened in the past. Also, try to keep your boyfriend away from any contact with your brother. If he's cool like you said, then I'm sure he will understand and take what you say into heart.

manic_felinemistress · 30-10-2012, 05:18 AM

He knows all about my brother, we're very honest with each other. It's just as soon as I changed my relationship status on facebook everyone bombarded him. So he's friends with my brother now and I'm friends with his brother, who's a cool bro.
I guess this could just be shrugged off as a sibling being supportive but there'st too much bad blood between us for it to be taken care of anytime soon. Which makes me paranoid he's doing it again. Im slightly afraid of my brother the way he manipulates people. I just don't want to loss my world again for the sake of someone's game.

Bubsy · 30-10-2012, 05:20 AM

Maybe you should talk to him again about your brother to make sure he fully understands and tell him you're concerned / scared of it happening again. And if he is comfortable with it, ask him to tell you if your brother ever contacts him.

manic_felinemistress · 30-10-2012, 05:33 AM

Yeah I've been getting nightmares about it lately which is just egging on the paranoia. I'm a little nervous asking him to basically monitor what my brother tells him; he likes to weave a complex mind***ing whip. I will try though

manic_felinemistress · 30-10-2012, 01:59 PM

I just don't want to lose someone who's so precious to me again, let alone due to someone who is blood. Malicious blood, but still my family and brother none the less....

Cacoethes · 01-11-2012, 07:08 AM

it sounds like he is being a protective brother. overly protective, but i wouldn't say there was anything malicious behind it.
but i don't know him, just wanted to put another spin on it.