Can relationships between BPD and non BPD really work?

miss_vegan · 20-10-2012, 09:00 PM

Hi everyone, hope you're all well.

I am going nuts here, so was hoping to get some different peoples opinions, if that's ok.

I have read a lot of really negative things that partners of people with BPD have said on other message boards. Like it's sucking the life out of them being with people like us.

My OH and I have been together for 7 years, and things are, on the whole, pretty good. He says this is the best relationship he's been in, which does concern me, considering all the sh*t I've put him through. But we have the best relationship I know besides the illness, we communicate, we are open and honest and we love each other.

BUT

I feel like meeting him was the best thing that happened to me, but meeting me was the worst thing for him. He tells me otherwise, but I feel like because I love him and am happy in the relationship, I am being selfish, in keeping him from being with someone more stable. Maybe this is about as 'better' as I'm going to get...

Does any of this make sense?

Sunshine · 20-10-2012, 09:13 PM

My partner used to be very supportive when I was in hospital or crisis but now he finds it very hard to be understanding when I feel depressed or suicidal and just ignores me which makes me feel crap but then I feel bad that I've pushed him so far in the past that he feels he has no more sympathy.

Saying that we have a good relationship when I'm not unwell and he says himself that he sees my bpd as such a small part of me that it doesn't effect how much he loves me

But I don't think if my bpd was as severe as it used to be we would still be together I just think my mental health is very hard for people to live with so I would find that with anyone I was with even my parents couldn't handle it and they are meant to love unconditionally

Mandimoo · 20-10-2012, 11:12 PM

On the flip side, it's hard for two bpd people to support each other, especially when both may be going through their own rough patch.

BridgesAndBalloons · 20-10-2012, 11:54 PM

I think how you say your relationship is, and how your OH describes your relationship, all sounds very positive.

I've been with my Partner for about two and a half years, so not as long, but like you we keep our communication open and honest and it really does make a big difference. Any problems we have are soon dealt with then because we discuss things as they arise. He sees our relationship as being more tempestuous due to my personality disorder, but it doesn't feel draining, or at least not now because I'm pretty stable at the moment.

Anyone who has a relationship with another person will find things hard at times, regardless of if they have BPD, of course it might well make things harder but then I think a relationship with anyone who has any sort of health issues can be tough.

How do you mean as 'better' as you're going to get? If you're happy in the relationship and your OH is happy too, that's pretty good. Achieving happiness isn't easy sometimes and if you're both happy that seems positive.

miss_vegan · 21-10-2012, 09:14 PM

Thank you for the replies. We talked again today, as I kinda' lost it for half an hour over something stupid.

He said that yeah when things are bad, they are the worst he's experienced in a relationship, but when they are good, they are extraordinary. So I guess he's prepared to put up with the lows because of the highs. I wish there were more highs, but all I can do is keep on with the therapy and try to get better.

We have talked about getting married, and the fact that's now on the table is huge, but as much as I want to go ahead with all that, part of me is terrified I'll screw it up. Break ups are hard enough, but I can't imagine my life without him. Which is maybe a little co-dependant. Just all these people on the websites for BPD partners say it got worse after marriage. Maybe I'm putting too much stock in other people's experiences, we are not a conventional couple, we don't have a conventional relationship, but on the whole we are both happy. I just worry that one day he'll see in me what I see and will resent me for all the sh*t I've put him through. Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit, I don't know, I just feel like he deserves better than me.

I do think that if I hadn't changed the relationship would be over now. As insecure as I am, I have stopped S.H, it still plagues my thoughts but I haven't acted on it for a fair while, my depressive episodes don't last as long as they used to. The main thing that upsets him is when I get angry and won't listen to reason or when I get manic. Just strong emotions are all consuming, and I feel like I'm not myself then. But when my mood shifts I can see reason and realise what has happened. If I could just stop it before it happens...

Anyway, thank you again for your replies, sorry if I've gone a bit OTT here, just sounding things out really.

a_seething_one · 14-11-2012, 12:15 AM

I would have to say that there are many variables to any relationship, disorder, etc.

I see some definate strong hints that my bf has either the full disorder, or traits of it.

We haven't been together that long, but are commited to making it work.

I would weigh in with that the fact that you've been together for seven years, and that is a huge chunk of time. What else is going to happen in the future that isn't going to be very similar to the things you have already experienced in the time you've been together?

I hope this all made sense, as I'm rather tired.

Midnight · 01-01-2013, 11:18 PM

hi. im in a very similar situation to you atm and finding it hard to cope with. i recently agreed to move in and marry my partner, i was all excited then about a week later i totally started freaking out and kept changing my mind. its gotten really bad over the past few months and now im spending time alone, hating him and pushing him away. we have had lots of chats about this, he understands bpd but doesnt totally egt it, he blames himself which makes me feel really guilty and awful. i dont think having bpd means you will screw up the marriage and seven years is longer than a lot of people stay married for these days anyway. as long as you are both happy thats all that matters. after that long together im sure he knows exactly what the real you is like and loves you anyway. try not to be down on yourself, and just focus on the fact the highs are so good. everyone has downsides to their relationships and probably dont have as much good as you. im sure he must have his downsides too, and you still adore him? i hope it goes well for you and keep up the talking

Carla_x · 02-01-2013, 10:59 PM

I'd definitely say try not to focus too much on other people's BPD related relationship stories. You yourself say that your relationship isn't conventional; I would say the same about mine. It's quite depressing how much negativity is out there about BPD relationships.

Also, stop feeling so guilty :) you can't help your BPD, and you are not your BPD. It's something you can conquer, trust me. Communication is the most important thing. Tell him that you feel guilty about what happens when you go through lows, make sure he's aware that you can't control certain aspects of your illness, and that your illness isn't you. I get the feeling he already understands. He wouldn't still be with you if he didn't love you and think that you're more than worth it.