So my college roommate, whom I care about very much, had a mental breakdown earlier this week. Not in front of me, but at home, so she went to the school counselor a couple days later. I was super supportive of her all along the way. Well I don't know what she must have told the counselor there, but the next thing I know I'm bringing her backpack to the wellness center because she's not allowed to leave, and she can't return to campus for a minimum of 48 hours. My only guess is that she's on some kind of suicide watch and was taken to a hospital or something. I talked to my dad about it, and that helped some, but the whole thing is so very confusing and painful.
I care about her, and it's really worrying to have something like this actually happen in real-life, as opposed to people I don't personally know online. The sickest, worst part of it all is that some small part of me is jealous of my roommate. Because a couple years back, I was at my lowest point ever, constantly thinking about cutting and suicide - it was just terrible. And no doctor/medical professional ever treated me in that way. Me and my old roommate at the time went to a local hospital so I could have a free evaluation, and that was the closest I ever got to that. I know I should be thankful - who would want to go to the hospital for being considered 'crazy'? But for some reason I feel extremely invalidated, like my illness was never good enough.
I've cut (minorly) a few times this week to try to convince myself otherwise, but it barely even phased me - it didn't work. (Of course, the cuts are killing me after the fact.) This is all just so sick and wrong of me, but I can't help feeling this way, and I can't tell anyone. (Normally, I'd text my old roomie, but I can't reveal my current roomie's situation; I only told her my current roommate isn't doing well, but I couldn't betray her privacy further.)
I've been having a difficult time even before this happened, and this incident has just seemed to trigger things 100% more. Anyone have any advice, suggestions, even just hugs? It's extremely difficult to not cut more or to see any hope in the near future.
"It's not a dream anymore. It's worth fighting for."
"Well, if it's not real you can't hold it in your hands
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it.
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah" - Paramore
oh that sounds like a horrible situation to be in. *hugs* i would go speak to the counselors yourself, not to try and get sent to the hospital, but just to get some support, as this is probably going to be emotional and stressful for a while, and you shouldn't have to try and handle it all on your own.
i understand feeling jealous. when i was in partial hospitalization i felt that way because there were some people who had been in inpatient, and i felt like they were in some way more valid than i was. but after ending up in inpatient, i promise you, it absolutely sucked. i think that it is easy to idealize it because it is a hard thing to remember. there was so much pain while i was there that it is easier to just remember the relatively good parts and not bring up all the things i disliked about it. anyway, being in the hospital isn't like a thermometer for how bad someone is feeling. you suffered a ton too, your friend being in the hospital doesn't mean that you didn't suffer "properly" or "enough" it just means that she happened to be around people who took a different course of action. (also, that doesn't mean that people care more about her than they do about you, it just is that different people react in different ways and have different theories about how to help)
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
You have no idea how much your words have comforted me. Thank you so very much for assuring me that my illness was/is still important and that I am still important even though I was not treated with the same extent of care. It's hard to believe those things, but having someone come out and say it directly does help.
It also helps to have the perspective of someone who had to go to the hospital themselves, so thank you. I know I should be grateful for never having to go, but it's hard to convince myself that it wouldn't have been a good thing without hearing from someone else that it's really not desirable.
I am actually scheduled to see my regular therapist - not through my school - tomorrow, which I am very very grateful for. Because of scheduling conflicts and unavailability, I have not been able to have therapy for a month, and I feel like I am long overdue. I hope that talking through some of this helps a bit.
Also, my roommate was allowed to come back for the following school week. On one hand, I am extremely happy and relieved that she is well enough to return, yet on the other hand, I fear that things will be awkward and difficult for a while. I will of course do my best to support her, but I always fear asking too much or offering too much support. I don't want to be smothering, but I don't want it to seem like I don't care either.
"It's not a dream anymore. It's worth fighting for."
"Well, if it's not real you can't hold it in your hands
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it.
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah" - Paramore
I can empathise with the "jealousy"/feeling inadequate thing as I have felt that way... but at the end of the day the way you feel is real and it doesn't invalidate your own suffering.
As for what to say to her I'd go with letting her know you are there for her if she needs you first of all and it gives her the oppurtunity to talk if she feels up to it...
I want something else to get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life baby baby
