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Head ****ery *brief mention of SI* *Long*
I’m confused and to be honest a bit pissed off at myself. I spent so long moaning about my ex when we were together that I vowed to myself I would never bother with other people in that sense again. I don’t know why I’m posting this, I don’t even know if anyone can give me advice, but I just want it to go the **** away so I can stop being such an idiot.
I’m going to start with the standard stuff:
I met a guy in a club on Friday. It was actually like any normal night out, like sometimes you do meet and have a laugh with randomers. I actually didn’t think anything of it. So eventually the room gets crowded and we all decide to go into another one. This guy takes my hand- again pretty natural in clubs, people do it so they don’t get separated. Didn’t think any more of it than when I first met him.
When we get into the other room, he doesn’t let go and so I like properly hold both hands with him and dance like how you do with your mates (well how I do anyway!) Then he kissed me and, as happens in club situations, we just carried on kissing.
This is where it diverts from “standard”.
I’m not proud to admit this, but before my ex (my first relationship), I was a right slag in clubs and was able to totally detach myself emotionally. But, as I’m kissing this guy I actually feel something. Not anything HUGE, not little girl OMG HE’S THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, just something as opposed to detachment like before. Problem #1 = have I become unable to detach my emotions from these things since being in a relationship D:
To make matters worse, I then faint three times in a row and get rushed to A&E. (I’m okay now, I just drank too much too fast on a relatively empty stomach in a boiling hot closed space it wasn’t serious). The guy comes with me- like I’d only known him a couple of hours- he held my hand until I’d fully regained consciousness again and then gave up the rest of his night to come and fall asleep in A&E with me until 8 in the morning or something. That is not natural! Those are not the actions of someone in a club who just wants to get lucky that night. Problem #2= am I reading too much into this/being cynical, is it really something anyone would do?
Then when we finally get out of A&E, we walk to the station and he kisses me again before we part. Which adds to the previous question- the night was over, I’d been in A&E, we were going home, it was clear he was not going to get lucky with me, he still kissed me. Why?
We since found each other online and in my state of having recently hit my head a few times, I messaged him to thank him and to ask if he wanted to go for a drink sometime because I owe him one for being so kind to me. (I would never have had the balls to do this in a stone cold sober/uninjured state xD). He agreed and we exchanged numbers but he said “it might not be for a week or so” because he’s busy. I don’t know whether or not to take that as a polite no…
So I’m basically really confused as to what to do with this unwanted situation. Like I said, I vowed to never bother with people in this sense again and here I am doing it. I made this vow at the same time I stopped cutting. Since I am appearing to go back on the promise, I have cut again a few times.
I just don’t want any of this in my head and hopefully this will be some kind of offload and I will feel better. I suddenly feel like a rabbit in the headlights. In defence I am putting a lot on this guy i.e. why did he kiss me again, acting like he said no to a drink when he said yes but he’s busy this week, thinking he just wanted sex like a lot of club goers, belittling the situation because it happened in a club, etc.
In truth this whole thing is my fault. I’ve let myself go soft and I’ve let it pierce me far too deeply considering I’ve met him once. I despise people who go on about the kind of **** I’ve just written, and now I’m sounding like one of them.
How do you get rid of a crush? Just to save all the hassle…
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