OK, not sure where to sart on this one.....basically I self harm by cutting and over recent months I tend to 'blood let', because of this my HB level drops so low I've had to go through 5 blood transfusions in 2 years...and again I am back to that point, where my HB level is so low I know self harming and loosing any more blood could result in going into cardiac arrest, I've been told this and I understand etc...yet that doesn't take the urge to cut away. Today I rang me CPN after finding myself on the floor following passing out from self harming, crying and panicking. I know I cannot keep this up I just feel at a total loss as to what else I can do. I feel so out of control and bad. I wish I could just disappear, I really do.
I don't know where else to go with this or what to do! So pretty pointless post I guess, I just needed to reach out to somewhere other than the Crisis Team/my CPN, which incidently are both luckily very good support for me.
Just lost this evening, because that urge is there.
When the world says, "Give Up", Hope whispers, "Try it one more time".
hugs sorry to here things have reached this lelvel for you it must be so hard to know all the information but still have the feelings you do and i wish i could take those feelings away for you to make things a little easier for you
well done for posting - its good to reach out to people even if its just to know they are there for you it can be resasuring
i would guess that you are trying to keep distracted and distractions are always good
sometimes a little bit of online gaming can be good or drawing or writing out how you feel but i do hope you are able to restrain from cutting when you get an urge just so you dont have to go through the trauma of passing out
keep distracted and keep posting if you wish
big hugs
The Soul Would Have No Rainbows If The Eyes Had Shed No Tears
[Laurel Burch]
Believe in yourself and your dreams. For when you do. You can achieve anything!
Have you considered writing up a list of the pros and cons of self-harming? Sometimes this can let you step back from the urge itself and pay more attention to the health risks or other important reasons not to harm.
It must be horrible feeling so afraid of the risk yet out of control with your behaviour, but it's great that you're able to be honest with your CPN. Do you always go and seek medical attention after self-harming? That might reduce some of the risk, although it's very dangerous if you're passing out prior to being able to get help.
It is always difficult to stop any behaviour based on future risk that we have no personal experience of. Just like a smoker may find it hard to imagine their habit will give them lung cancer, it's hard to imagine self-harm leading to death. That doesn't mean it won't happen, but perhaps you need a more concrete incentive to stay strong. Is there anything positive in your life that would be even better if you didn't self-harm (relationships, hobbies, everyday activities, work)?
Thank you for the replies and the distraction suggestions, I find writing and drawing really helps at times, its just when those don't work, I end up really loosing control of how much I cut. I have spoken again to my CPN today as I ended up in A and E again this morning, I do seek medical help when I need to for my SH, now I am really worried I have to have a blood test tomorrow and I know my Hb level will mean I need a transfusion.
I have lost so much because of the physcial implications of my SH, I can't work I'm now not allowed to drive and yet I have family and friends I cannot leave, I have to stay alove for them, but they have no idea of what I am doing...well the extent of it....
Thanks for listening xxxxxx
When the world says, "Give Up", Hope whispers, "Try it one more time".
*cuddles* sorry to hear you ended up in a and e - that cant have been very nice for you
at least you try distractions so thats a positive at least xx glad you spoke to your CPN was it helpful?
do you ever speak to your family/ friends about anything or do you feel that its better not to talk to them? also staying alive is good :D
*holds tights*
The Soul Would Have No Rainbows If The Eyes Had Shed No Tears
[Laurel Burch]
Believe in yourself and your dreams. For when you do. You can achieve anything!
Thanks a lot for the reply....yeah it was helpful talking to my CPN, I am fortunate she is so supportive, knowing how 'hit and miss' they can be in the MH system! I am not seeing her til Tuesday now, so it's head down and keep going, taking it an hour at a time.....
No, I don't talk to any of my family about MH things, I live on my own and so keep a lot hidden behind my closed front door, all of my SH and ED support comes from my CPN/Gp and the Crisis Team, a couple friends know,a dn my paretns find out when I am in hospital.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
When the world says, "Give Up", Hope whispers, "Try it one more time".
well its good that you have a supportive CPN - and its good to hear that you appreciate how valuable a source of support she can be
it sounds like you have been proactive in getting yourself the right sorts of professional help and at least you have a good working netwok in which you can fall back on
i can understand why you would feel it best not to tell you family and its good that you have done the brave thing in organising your MH team and such to make the most of it - i suppose you have everything you need form them and it allows you to enjoy family time without feeling like you have to bring them down by talking - so in a way it wouold seem you have created quite a good arrangment :)
taking it an hour at a time sounds like a good idea - could you make yourself like a little goal to achieive each hour even if its soemthing silly like make a cup of tea? hugs xx
i think you've done a good job of seeking help and i hope it really does get better for you xx
The Soul Would Have No Rainbows If The Eyes Had Shed No Tears
[Laurel Burch]
Believe in yourself and your dreams. For when you do. You can achieve anything!
Sorry to hear that you harmed so badly again. Although transfusions aren't pleasant hopefully you will feel physically better for it.
You clearly care about your friends and family and want to stay alive for them; that's a great incentive. Maybe you could try opening up to them a little more, so that you can get support from them that would make your relationships even stronger. I can relate to self-harm taking over so many aspects of your life and losing out on things as a result. Things like driving and a job are quite daunting prospects to recover for, though. Is there a hobby or activity you used to enjoy that becomes too tiring or impossible once you've lost so much blood? Something I've found helpful is to wait until I'm healed enough to go swimming or cycling, activities I very much enjoy but simply cannot do if I've self-harmed. Sometimes just knowing that you'll miss out on something fun if you hurt yourself can be enough of a reason to try and hold out longer or do something less severe.
Thats pretty much what my CPN keeps trying to get me to think about....taking up running like I used to be able to do pre-anemia. I used to run up to 10km a day, and loved it, but its defintiely not something I can even think about doing with such a low Hb
So if I allow myself a transfusion I will have to get straight back into something like this so to avoid rapidly reducing my Hb straight away....
But driving and working will also be something to aim for...even if right now it feels incredibly hard and overwhelming to face when I feel so low....like you said pretty daunting.... Thanks for understanding. xxxx
When the world says, "Give Up", Hope whispers, "Try it one more time".
I'm rubbish at knowing the right things to say, or how exactly to reach out but things do get better. It's really difficult to find a way out when things get like this and it's difficult to take a step back and realise exactly how much being severely anemic feeds into the way you're feeling like a vicious cycle.
Is there anything you really want? Anything you can't do because of your low Hb level. For me it was when I'd started helping out at a dog shelter and after refusing transfusions I physically wasn't able to walk my special favourite dog out. Seeing him miss out because of me gave me a reason to try and look after my physical health and so I vowed to keep myself just well enough to be able to walk him.
While it didn't take the urge to cut away it did give me a reason for self preservation and trying to limit the damage. I know it's easier to hang on the edge sort of ambivilant about life or death, but the more time your like that the more strain you put on your body.
I don't really know what I'm saying. I've now got an almost normal Hb level - I'm physically fit, actually healthy. I didn't realise just how physically ill i was with the anemia and how much of an extra daily struggle it made things and how much less worth living it made my life.
I don't know what to say, I do understand and I wish I could say the right things to help.
Running sounds ideal - definitely something to keep in mind. I'm presuming you are also being prescribed iron tablets, so maybe try and take them with the view that they will help you be able to get back into running. Also try and remember that by giving yourself a chance to recover from your anaemia will make you feel so much physically and emotionally stronger. You need to give your body a chance to help your mind! Good luck with it all x
I can relate in terms of self harm being life threatening and pretty much fucking a lot of things up.
But also, I too blood let, fortunately, I have resisted the urges much better than I did before.
As far as I was aware, the only person I researched who ever did it, died. And since then, I've not really seen anyone else experience it. I was kind of relieved to know I'm not alone in this.
However, I wish nobody knew the suffering involved with any method of self harming.
It's dangerous and addictive and destroys you utterly.
The problem is here, is that not only are you cutting, which is a danger in itself and causes blood loss, majorly if you hit veins or arteries and manage to survive it, but blood letting also, obviously, causes blood loss too. And doing both is extremely dangerous, which by now, I'm sure you're aware of.
I was wondering if maybe you have discovered anything that helps you when you have urges? Distractions that you've found really work better than you thought they would, or better than other forms of distractions?
If you can't seem to stop yourself from self harming, I'm not sure if you've heard of it before, but at least try harm reduction. It basically means reducing the harm you do to yourself as much as you can, if you really can't not do it.
I'm assuming you are prescribed iron pills, so I'd try to take them and try to reach out to people as well, rather than act on your urges.
If you're like me though, and find it difficult to take your pills[I find it difficult to take pills that are there to help me like my iron pills or antibiotics], for whatever reason, you really do have to try and force yourself to take them.
However, if you aren't, ignore the above advice :P
It's not an overreaction when people say you could end up dead. You really could.
I always think people are overreacting when people say I may not survive the next self harming episode/I'll end up dead, but deep down, I know it's true. You may think "oh it won't happen to me", but it could. Try to bare in mind just how dangerous self harm is, and try to fight back against the urges.
Maybe write a pros and cons list? Or stick up on your wall positive things so you can read it whenever you like, especially in times you're struggling?
wow thank u so much for your thoughtful and supportive reply, it's only been recently that I have even told my CPN that my SH had become more 'bloodletting' so writing on here about it was quite a big deal, and it is soooo scary to know how serious things have become with it as a form of SH in a relatively short space of time.
It's good to hear you have managed, and therefore theres hope, to resist the urges...I have distractions I try and use, like writing in my journal etc, though overtime the urges and thoughts seem to have just become more and more intense. I used to use exercise...gym/walking...as my main distraction, though that fed into my ED and along with the SH becoming more bloodletting and my food restriction my physical health just deteriorated to the point where I can do no strenuous exercise without feeling like I am going to pass out.
I started to work on SH reduction with my CPN, a while ago, and I was trying 'safe' SH, though I think part of me was kidding myself....I allowed myself to cut 200 times, reasoning me putting a number on my 'limit' made it 'safe'....mmmm.....
I don't take iron pills as they made me really 'bumged' up and that just spiralled my ED out of control, so trying to balance the 2 is really hard, plus my HB drops so quickly because of the amount I am loosing blood-wise now it becomes transfusion level within a month.
It's all just a mess, my CPN has said she thinks I am high risk of dying accidently and that scares me, yet I have to face the fact I know it could happen It just feels now, this is all I have become I have lost myself, my life, even the Cteam member who's known me for 10 years said she wishes the old 'helen' was here, and that I've become very lost....
Anyways, I had my blood test today and gets the results tomorrow, am scared because it'll likely mean hospital either psych to stop me loosing anymore and a medical to be transfused.
I am shattered, and I have waffled a reply....sorry it's long. Just wnated to say thank you again for replying, it's meant a lot to know there are people who understand and know what it's like, and to hear there's hope.....thanku xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
When the world says, "Give Up", Hope whispers, "Try it one more time".
