I feel like i am being punished by life for being here... i was dead for 8 minutes and 34 seconds and then i got revived ever since then everything has gone wrong for me, on my birthday last year the girl i was going to ask out, my very closest and best friend, died, she killed herself... this year, september 2nd my last two closest friends died, they were hit by a car whose driver was drunk... he survived, they died, he got away with a $1600 fine and 6 years for manslaughter, is that all my friends were? the people who helped me and raised me, dead, and the murderer doesn't get the same punishment? just six years and $1600 fine? i don't want to be here anymore i shouldn't be and i don't deserve to be, i should've died last year when i cut my wrists and my throat... i shouldn't be here... i don't deserve to be THATS THE ONLY THING THAT RUNS THROUGH MY HEAD!!... i can't even find somewhere to think to myself by myself... i hate my life so much...
You do deserve to be here. Things may be very hard for you right now but there's not telling what will change in a few years, what's in your future. Maybe you are going to meet someone one and you will become the most important person in their lives. Maybe you'll become a lawyer and fight for people like your friends in court. Maybe you'll get married and have a beautiful baby girl and she'll grow up and become a world famous author.
If you were gone, there are people who would miss you terribly and there are people you haven't yet met who would never get the chance to know you.
May I ask if you are you getting any professional help with this?
Seriously I'm awful with words sometimes, I'll maybe come back later and try to write something that makes sense.
"Some people get by, with a little understanding. Some people get by, with a whole lot more."
I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a tough time of it, and it is understandable with your grief and other negative thoughts and feelings your mind is desperately searching for a way out, but ultimately suicide is a very permanent solution to a temporary problem, things can better, it just takes time, patience and support. I would say the fact that you were able to be brought back is if anything a sign that you were meant to live.
I hope you are getting some personal and professional support, particularly to help you work through these suicidal thoughts and your grief.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
Hey, I'm so sorry you've had to witness so much death. I agree with Buttons. that the fact you are still here means something to someone, even if it isn't you right now. I'm certainly glad that you're alive. Because of the way the justice system works, it focuses on efficiency and economy. It doesn't always deal with the emotional aftermath of such a catastrophic event. You know in your heart, that your friends were not at fault for their accident, and that they will always mean the World to you. It may not be that way on paper, but in your mind and heart you can always know how special they were and will continue to be to you.
Suicide is a scary concept, but sometimes it can feel like a better option than living. But as has already been mentioned by a previous poster, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It might feel like the very best and only option for you at this moment, but you have no idea how you might feel one year down the line. You mentioned that your closest friend died by suicide, and only you can know how much pain that has brought you. You don't know whether you could be bringing that to other people who also love you. Maybe you're supposed to be the reason that people don't commit suicide, because you know how much you wish your friend didn't go down that same path.
Do you have anyone you know that you can talk to about all of this? Grief is a very natural emotion, and it's understandable that you are feeling upset about this, but it's about bringing that grief down to an eventually manageable level, which with some support can be achieved.
Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world awaits in darkness for the light that is you.
