EUBPD and SH

[Rilic]

I've literally only found out from the letter my mother photographed so I could read that was sent to the accommodation people at my uni, and on it is things I know, like problems sleeping, ADHD and mild Asperger's, restlerr, fidgety, mood swings, (fortunately no mention of disorder eating and self injury), but also written was "also has feature typical of emotionally unstable borderline personality disorder".

It's odd that I've known for about four years anyway, but hearing (well, reading) it from my doctor who consulted with my psychiatrist and they both agree well enough to put it in writing to someone... the element of "this is real and all those people that were complete A-holes to me...."

It's also got me thinking, because I've never been able to explain my self harm to people, and I think this is the best way?

Because I don't want to stop, but I do, I'm afraid to. I was ten when I first self injured to cope with things, but I was already SHing for two years prior, so my thought is that SH is something in my character, in my personality, so when people have said it's a phase, or that once I learn to be happy with the little things I will feel better in myself, I will stop.
This may not be the case at all then, because no matter how I've felt or what's been going on, SH has always been there.

On the other hand, it may be something to do with all the terrible things that have happened in life, and I shut them away, ignore them, don't speak of them, and they manifest into this need to harm myself. If I could confront these things, get them out, maybe that need will go away. But again, just as I have no idea how to stop SHing, I don't know how to get these things out and put them to rest.
How can you "put to rest", or resolve the conflicts, of something that's that traumatising to you?

Just a thought I'm getting out.

[Buttons.]

Even when we are aware of diagnosis and such it can be difficult to see it written down on paper as it can sometimes make things seem more 'real', so your reaction to the letter is perfectly understandable.

You say you think this is the best way to explain your self harming behaviours and if that's the case and citing this diagnosis makes it easier for you to explain your behaviour then I would feel free to use it, however do be wary of setting to much store by a diagnosis, everyone is different even those with similar problems, and it doesn't do to get too caught up in labelling yourself.

Being torn between wanting and not wanting to stop self harming is entirely understandable, it's been your coping mechanism, albeit a destructive one for a long time, and it can be really scary to try and take a step away from that and find new, healthier coping mechanisms. When self harm has been or is a big part of our lives it is understandable that we begin to wonder if this is a part of our personality, however personally I don't believe it is, it's just a maladaptive coping strategy certain people adopt, that hopefully with support and encouragement they will eventually no longer feel they need.

When we have had difficult experiences in life self harm can come to feel like a sort of life line, a way of controlling the uncontrollable, however in reality self harm quickly morphs so that without us realising it, the self harm is controlling us, not the other way around. It is understandable to want to shut out negative experiences that you have had, and no one can tell you that that is the right or wrong way to deal with past events, everyone copes differently, however if these difficult experiences are still coming back to bite you regardless of how much you try and push them away then I think it might be worth trying to work through the effects these events have had on you with a trained professional, so that you can lay them to rest once and for all.

[Rilic]

I thank you for such a coherent reply. :)

I get caught up in the labels a lot, I think. I consider them a valuable descriptive tool. I would prefer to have one overall lable in which all my symptoms fall under; it feels more organised.
My friend despises lables, and I try to explain why I am insistant on various lables, such as with her, I consider her EDNOS, not Ana, and I have my reasons that I feel are logical.

I did ask my psychiatrist, and he explained to me how I already feel about his EUBPD, that it for descriptive purposes, nothing to be wary of.

My friend also self harms, and although she believes she is not caught up in the "competition", I could her the distaste in her voice when she acknowledged that I self injure out of habit and compulsion, whereas she does it when she feels emotionally overwhelmed. She also despises the fact that I am "strong". I don't know what she meant by that; I tried to tell her that because she seeks medical attention and needs to talk to people more, that is being wise, not weak.

I am a lot more comfortable considering self harm as part of my personality, I think because it takes away the responsibility of starting and not being able to stop, but I do realise this is not a correct way to think.

I want to go to my GP and ask them to refer me to a psychotherapist. I want to talk things through and get them out. At the same time, I have my fears. One that talking it out wont be enough. Two, that I wont be taken seriously or that I'll be brushed off "yeah, you know how many people feel like this and go through that??" Tired of hearing it, really. But three, the most irrational, is that I'm being a whiny, immature little girl who doesn't appreciate the stable life I've been in, and that I am how I am because I pay too much attention to the negative and blow it out of proportion to let it consume anything positive.

It was only Sunday that my mother exploded at me again. I was so scared, and so glad to be able to grab my bag and shoes and run out of the house and didn't stop until I reached the train station, about a mile and a half away. She was telling (well, yelling/screaming at) me that I was a selfish, ungrateful little bitch that always got my way. I was collapsed on the floor crying and thinking of cutting, and she was yelling at me about how I always win because I drive her to the point where she's so mad and frustrated that she just can't do anymore and gives in.

Sorry, I guess that's been on my mind a bit; it really shook me up, I wasn't expecting it after such a good day, and we were celebrating her birthday early because it was the last time I'm with them for a while. She blamed me, of course. For ruining the day, for making her mad, and I cried and asked my father why she had to shout, and said she was insane. She heard it and screamed at me to get the **** out of her house. Which I did, gladly and quickly, because I can see that point where she's about to completely lose control. I'd rather leave on my own, not because I'm dragged out by the hair, hoping I wont get a black eye.

God, I don't even know why I'm typing this out.

But I know bad things have happened in my life that give me a perfect reason for how I am. There are things my parents don't know about, and I hate talking about.
Most of all, I hate that my mother cannot acknowledged the things she's done. Sometimes she can. Sometimes she admits that she had problems with anger and control, and she would see red. She has managed a little more control over the last number of years, she will yell more, rather than bottling it in, and she will try and beat an object, like a bin or table.

Too much, I should delete it. But I wont.



When it comes to therapy, even when I've seen my psychiatrist, or counsellors, it's the same thing. I tell them what's bothering me the most, and then each time I go to see them, it's like a whole new session, a new set of problems each time.

I have had dissociative episodes, hallucinations, and some other episodes, but they don't happen consistantly. Like I'll have terrible hallucinations for a week, and then nothing for half a year. I will go and explain how my eating disorder had come back, and then it's gone a few weeks later.

Self harm feels like the only consistant thing in my life. It's always been there for me, I can use it to make myself feel better, or to play into my daydreams, or to relieve boredom, or just generally because... like smoking a cigarrette.