Ok... So I know there are probably about a hundred other threads about something vaguely similar in here, but I had a quick look and couldn't find any, so apologies if anyone is just feeling like they're basically repeating themselves. If you know of somewhere this has already been discussed, please link me!
Basically, I have depression. Sometimes I can function. Sometimes I can't. When I'm very low, there isn't necessarily a reason or trigger for being so. It just is. Since I started self-harming, I've basically had self-destructive thoughts on a loop, 24/7. While I was actively self-harming, I could cope with the rest of my life. Now that I'm actually trying to stop, fighting the thoughts is taking up all my energy. I can't do anything else, and I can't explain to anyone why I'm so tired all the time, when I'm not visibly doing anything. I don't even have the energy to do normal things like getting dressed, or eating, never mind trying to use coping mechanisms that might replace self-harm.
So, I suppose my question is... Does this ever end? Logically, I think I know what some of the answers are, but I think I need reassurance that I won't have to live like this forever. Because if that's the case I don't want to. The only way my life has any worth is if I can use to help other people, and I have no energy to do so right now.
I'm sorry for the long post... And I know I've been useless recently, so please forgive me. I need help.
"And sometimes when our fights begin,
I think I'll let the Dragons win...
And then I think perhaps I won't,
Because they're Dragons, and I don't."
Depression IS a toughie. I've lived with it for more years than I can shake a packet of anti-depressants at. BUT, saying that, it's not forever. Really it's not. For myself, as I work in therapy and continue taking the meds and continue reaching out when things are hellish, the deepest lows last for less time and I understand them better, and manage the rest of my life around them better. Also, not everyone gets things as 'chronically' as I experience, everyone is different.
You're approaching a really big transition in your life. Things're bound to feel wobbly and insecure and scary. As you find your feet in your new ground, things will very likely settle. But that may take some time. Be prepared for that and have some support in place as soon as you can.
I don't think you've been useless at all. Your caring is still very much present, I feel it. Just, you really do need to care about yourself right now. Can you think of some safe ways to do this?
I know we've talked about this quite a lot this week, but I don't think that depression is a permanent thing. I know its easy for me to say, and you haven't ever experienced a situation like it, but things DO get better.
In the meantime, I think its a really good idea to look into the counselling services at uni, and come and see me ALL the days so I can give you lots of cuddles and tell you in person (YAY!) how wonderful you really are.
I know you won't believe me, but I really do love you a hell of a lot, and I'm no good at expressing it in words but I'll try and show you when you're here, yes?
It can and it will end. As has already been said you should look into help thats going to be available when you go to uni, talking to a counseller are having some sort of therapy might be able to help you. Im here if you want to talk.
Katie, thank you. That is reassuring to hear. You're right, things do feel wobbly right now, and I'm not balancing very well. I am going to e-mail uni counselling services (at some point...!), and try to get an appointment set up for soon after I get there.
I was slightly put off/upset though when I mentioned it to my mum and she said "What, are you feeling the need for counselling already?" - I know she was probably just surprised, but it made the feelings of inadequacy worse. Other people can manage... Why am I such a burden?
You're right though, I think I do need to take care of myself. I know what might help, like reading, or watching a film, or taking a bath. I just need to make myself take time for myself and do it.
Ali, thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me.
Colour, thank you - that's a good point...
B, thanks love <3
"And sometimes when our fights begin,
I think I'll let the Dragons win...
And then I think perhaps I won't,
Because they're Dragons, and I don't."
If it helps [and you can tell your Mum this if you like], I never had any professional support through uni [partly because that kind of thing wasn't around really in the late 80s/early 90s] and it left scars and really had an effect. Things could have been so different had I had the support I really needed then. I can't change it. But it does make me really promote support to people now who can access it when younger as it really can be so so important.
I have no words, I'm sorry. But I didn't want to leave this thread without leaving you my love. You're such an amazing person and such a great friend, even though I know you don't see that. You have so much to offer, and even when you're ill you make people smile. I love you so much and I firmly believe this will pass, I don't know when and I'm really sorry I can't give you any more answers but please know I love you and I'm here ANY time you need me. I'm always here. Love you sweetie, *hugs* <3
Ailsa, petal, I really do feel for you and can understand what you are going through. Counseling sounds a good idea. Recognizing there is a problem and seeking help is incredibly brave and could help in the long run. It doesn't make you less of a person. It actually makes you a brave sensible person, willing to tackle these difficult emotions. You are NOT a burden. Depression is an illness that you didn't choose. As you know, it's something I'm also struggling with. I often question if I'll recover, but I've been told by professionals that recovery is possible, they see it happen, so I guess we have to fight and hope for it. It WILL happen.
Don't feel bad about lack of energy. It's a symptom of depression. We can't help it, we can only accept it and take the steps we need to get that energy back, take little steps in getting tasks done without guilt and rest when you have to.
Ailsa you have been so helpful to many people here. It's ok to step back and take care of yourself, because YOU are important. You can get better and things will improve, maybe you need some extra support in getting there.
Depression is a hard one.
I felt depressed, a sense of not thinking great things could happen for me.
And to scared of taking any steps.
I have gone through it and come out the other side.
But it took a very long time.
Maybe 5 years.
I started out not being functional but moved out of it.
But I never know how to respond to others that are going through it.
Journaling helps a lot.
12 step groups helped me a lot too
But bottom line it starts with a spark, an inspiration to get out of it.
I also know about moodgym, ecouch, clarifylife, as online tools.
Katie, that did "shock" me a bit into action, so to speak. Whatever my mum thinks, this isn't about her, it's about me, and if I'm ill, I need to deal with that. I'm not her responsibility any more... Not sure if that made much sense, thinking aloud.
Lorraine, thank you. I've seen professionals before and after a few months they basically thought I was better and sent me on my way. The fact that I appear to be not quite back where I started but not far off was just... A huge blow. I'm not sure if I'm just a failure for not using what I've already learnt, or if I actually need more therapy, or... I don't know. It's so confusing. You're right though, I need to pay more attention to what I'm feeling and what I need and look after me. I'm not good at this. At all.
Moodyme, thank you. It's comforting to know that other people have been through and got through the same thing. I'm not entirely sure I have a spark at the moment...! I'll have a think about what you said though.
"And sometimes when our fights begin,
I think I'll let the Dragons win...
And then I think perhaps I won't,
Because they're Dragons, and I don't."
Ailsa, I'm really sorry you're struggling so much at the moment.
I really hope you are able to take care of yourself & that you can get some counselling.
Take special care
Love
Charlotte
Xxxx
Do professionals think you're better because you struggle to admit your not? It's important to admit when things are bad and it's no reflection on you as a person. You are not a failure, you have an illness that needs addressing. When you move to go to uni maybe when you register with new gp you could talk to them about it? Do you have a support network when you move, friends, family? It's important to keep in touch with people when things are bad. Keep talking and keep fighting. xx
I can't really think of any advice to add to what has already been said but just wanted you to know that I read this and that I care. I think it's really brave of you to try and stop self harming, and to post for support here. Sorry that you are struggling but there is definitely a way through this. Keep fighting lovely.
Thank you Charlotte and Louise. Your thoughtfulness means so much to me, especially as I know you are both struggling right now.
Lorraine, that is actually a good point. I've been noticing of myself that I'll reach a point where I'm so low I can't cope, and I'll finally manage to reach out, but as soon as I get back to that level where I'm unwell but coping, I back right off and pretend everything is fine and go straight back to overworking myself. I know that this is exactly what I'm doing right now. And I'm just so scared of looking after me, because I don't feel I deserve that care when other people do.
Thank you, I will try to talk to my new GP about it (I am on anti-depressants, so unless I want to go off them cold turkey, which sounds like a horrible idea, I'll HAVE to talk to my doctor, actually). As far as a support network goes, I'm lucky to have a very good friend nearby who knows about what's going on. My extended family will also be living about a two-hour train trip away, so if I'm feeling lonely, going to visit them for the weekend is definitely an option. So yes, thankfully, I will have some people around. I just... Hm. I don't want to be a burden to anyone either.
"And sometimes when our fights begin,
I think I'll let the Dragons win...
And then I think perhaps I won't,
Because they're Dragons, and I don't."
Ailsa, I'm sorry that I didn't see this thread sooner. I wish that you weren't feeling like this. Being stuck in this cycle of depression can feel incredibly overwhelming and as though it's a weight on your shoulders that never seems to shift, no matter what you try to do about it.
I'm glad that you have your friend very close to you and that your extended family are only a train right away - albeit two hours! We're also here, too, so please keep talking to us. Also, you can message me if you want to! I'll always try to help! A trip to your GP might be a good idea because then you can talk about counselling and GPs aer often a good sounding board for how you're feeling anyway and can take a load off your chest.
I think that, with feelings like this, little sparks of positivity can make all the difference. Doing things such as managing to do some washing or watching television can be an accomplishment, even if you don't feel as though they are. Then, look at how wonderful you are on here - you deserve to feel some credit for that! I think you're far more brilliant than you think that you are. I'm sorry that your Mum wasn't as understanding as she should have been... could you talk to her a little bit more about your feelings to help her 'get' it a bit more?
Ailsa, I'm sorry that I didn't see this thread sooner. I wish that you weren't feeling like this. Being stuck in this cycle of depression can feel incredibly overwhelming and as though it's a weight on your shoulders that never seems to shift, no matter what you try to do about it.
I'm glad that you have your friend very close to you and that your extended family are only a train right away - albeit two hours! We're also here, too, so please keep talking to us. Also, you can message me if you want to! I'll always try to help! A trip to your GP might be a good idea because then you can talk about counselling and GPs aer often a good sounding board for how you're feeling anyway and can take a load off your chest.
I think that, with feelings like this, little sparks of positivity can make all the difference. Doing things such as managing to do some washing or watching television can be an accomplishment, even if you don't feel as though they are. Then, look at how wonderful you are on here - you deserve to feel some credit for that! I think you're far more brilliant than you think that you are. I'm sorry that your Mum wasn't as understanding as she should have been... could you talk to her a little bit more about your feelings to help her 'get' it a bit more?
Take care.
You know where I am <3.
Quote:
Originally Posted by xfallenangel08x
You won't be a burden, if you need me, jump on a train and text me when you're on it and I'll come get you.
I have already explained this to you Ailsaface! <3
BelleBelle and Ali said it all for me.
You could never be a burden on/to me lovely. I love you so much and I'm here if/when you need/want me <3
