*SI/ EDBrain trauma and bipolar- did I cause my illness?

[bitomato]

I just watched a movie called Finding a Family, where the mother gets in an accident. It is said that her brain injury causes her to develop bipolar. I remember doing some self help work and finding that my symptoms really resemble traumatic brain injury. Before I understood what I was doing- I used to hit my head all through childhood and I can still be triggered up to recently.

Is it possible that I caused this "bipolar" through this action? It's my fault then? I hate the idea of having caused my diabetes through my compulsive eating.
So when it is your fault where does that leave you?

I know that there is a big difference between symptoms and diagnosis. Like one person might want to argue that the severe traumas that I experienced in my life, because I was genetically predisposed to mental illness, that I am an overly sensitive person- one or all contribute to my current mess.

Recently, after a car accident, I had to be cared for completely by family. The scariest months of my life- because apart from being physically incapacitated- I was mocked for my self harm issues (you are just looking for attention); my food was completely restricted/ controlled (you are just making up excuses- you are greedy) so much so that I felt ill with most meals; and my mental health carers could not visit in the community. I realised that it took everything in me not to lash out (I did in the beginning- but lost credibility with everyone) and my friends didn't realise how scared I was.

Now I am not physically restricted, but mentally I am afraid if I have to go outside, and although I have had a break through with my eating- I now have no confidence in my need for psychiatric sessions and psychology sessions.

Since this is my fault, why waste money? For the months I was bed ridden I kept being told what a waste of money it was. I've been well for over a decade. But it one fell swoop- I had no one. I just don't want to feel that powerless again.

Every bipolar case is not the same. In the movie, the mother didn't always take her meds. I still haven't been given back all of mine- and it is frustrating after being responsible for my care all these years.

I need to find a new normal. I am soooo angry. And sad. And questioning- if it is my fault- do I have a right to be sick?

[Stellata]

Well, if you did the head hitting because you were already emotionally traumatised.. and if the head hitting has a connection with your illness.. it's all of a piece really, trauma begetting trauma. Even if that were the case, it's hardly your fault, because you weren't consciously doing anything, apart from trying to cope with all the emotional pain.

[bitomato]

The scary thing was I already had head trauma-from the car accident- but yet I got triggered by my family to the point of that type of SH. Yet they just mocked me (felt I was attention seeking). If that form of SH happens (which it rarely does) it is a lot more unpredictable because I do it almost automatically and don't really take safety into concern. Again I get annoyed because I would be managing other kinds of SH pretty well. Now the fear is that I have either caused the damage to myself that I experience now; or in case of brain injury have put myself on the path to Alzheimers/ Dementia etc.

I already find in reading a book I am not understanding words, and tonight someone told me they felt my speech was slurred. It has only been a little while since my accident, but I am really frustrated as I don't know what to do.