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Shake It Out!
Hi, My name isn't Melissa anymore, but it used to be, so i'd prefer that right now, because i know people on this site and I just want to let out my emotions without worrying about being judged because that's what this is for right?
I've self-harmed in different ways since what feels like forever, and I'm not proud of what I did or the scars (both mentally and physically) that it has left me with.
I was abused as a very young child, by the time i was seven weeks old i'd broken like, 9 ribs, two of my leg bones and my arms. My parents didn't want me so they used to try and suffocate me and break me. My foster parents weren't any better! They forgot to feed me or take me to hospital when i was ill. But eventually I was adopted, which is great.
But I still get flashbacks to when I was young, and they mess themselves up in my head. I get so confused and scared, it's like being there again.
Then to make it worse my brother used to sexually abuse me. This was in the adopted family in which I was supposed to feel safe.
When I finally got the courage to tell someone what was really going on, they broke my trust and called the police, which looking back was probably the best thing to do. But my 'family' didn't believe me and told me to lie to the police. So, I did. But at least he never touched me again.
Then, finally when I started to trust men again, a friend of mine who was sweet and kind and caring, who tried to stop the self-harm, decided to sleep with me and then when someone found out he said he'd never have slept with me because I was fat and ugly.
Him repeating this to me made me think i was fat, which i probably wasn't that much, but It was enough to turn me Bulimic. It was awful and I still do it when I feel ugly and insecure.
I've tried to kill myself a lot of times now, most recently a few weeks ago i jumped from my bedroom window. Leaving me with a broken spine. But of course, I told everyone I just fell, because I can only lie sometimes. I find it so hard to tell people how I'm feeling and they say I'm pushing them away, but i'm not trying. I can sometimes only express myself through other peoples words, their lyrics, yes i'm one of those people that quotes lyrics all the time.
My Doctor also told me a few weeks ago that I'm ''Psychotheric'' I'm not sure if that's how its spelt/pronounced because my doctor has quite a strong accent and he didn't write it down for me, he says it's that my personality resembles bi-polar, which might explain some of the feelings......
It's fantastic to let this out to people who I hope won't judge me.
Last edited by Tears and Rain : 15-09-2012 at 10:22 PM.
Reason: Removed weight.x
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