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Borderline Personality Disorder , ED and Relationship
I know this is a bit long, but I'd really appreciate some advice or thoughts on this!
I was in a relationship for 2 and a half years, when my partner started to hang out with another group of friends she frequently volunteered with. She ended up spending a lot more time with them and at the time I was struggling with an eating disorder again. She would often hang out with these friends and then when we would hang out, she would just fall asleep. I understand that she was also busy with school and did work as well, but I was upset that she didn't save any of her energy to hang out with me. We frequently fought about it as well. I ended up being hospitalized for my ED and when I felt like I really needed her support she wasn't around. I also know that it's very difficult for someone to be with someone with an ED, so I understood that she needed her space too. But she would hang out with one of her friends everyday while I was in the hospital, and would only visit me for 10-30 minutes a couple days a week while she worked (since she worked at the hospital part time). I felt hurt by all of this, and we ended up breaking up. (I think part of me was going to my eating disorder in order for her to see how much I was in pain from feeling lonely and abandoned). I was released from the hospital and we still talked and saw each other - it was like we never broke up. And then after a week or so, she told me that she kissed someone- the person she was spending all that time with previously when we were together. She told me she wanted to be with me and it felt wrong. She told me that she was going to hang out with this person again the next day, and it hurt because I was so fearful that something would happen again. And it did. She told me that it felt wrong again. We ended up being in this "limbo" for a long time where we didnt' know if we should date or not, since I needed to get better. She told me that she would try to talk to this person less if we did get back together. A few months passed and she talked to this person everyday, even visited them in another province. I was hurt by all of this, but we weren't together so there wasn't much I could do. Recently we have started dating again, and she will now start volunteering with this person again. I am honestly very fearful because she now says that this person is her friend, so she doesn't want to stop or reduce talking to them anymore. I feel so guilty putting pressure on her, but I don't feel okay with it. I'm doing a lot better with my eating disorder but my BPD symptoms are more present. I'm terrified that I will be abandonded again, and that she will choose her volunteer friends and this other person over me. I feel like it's already starting.. she cancelled plans with me to do errands, and then asked if i would be okay if she hung out with these friends. And I wasn't okay. I broke down and nearly relapsed. I don't want to feel jealous and paranoid but I can't shake these feelings. My thoughts are always going and I can't sleep at night. I love her so much and honestly saw a future with us.. even to the point of getting married and having kids someday. But I don't know how to get past this. I've made a million pros and cons lists and I keep going back and forth. I don't want to be a jealous partner or feel like she has to control her life, but I don't know how to be okay and trust her that none of this won't happen again. It's been about 3 months since the initial kiss, and I'm still crying over it. (It also makes it difficult because I have so much free time on my hands due to my recovery, so I have even more time to stew in my head!)
Thank you everyone for reading and I would appreciate anything anyone has to say!
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