How do you talk about S.H. with your S.O.?

snowy_owl · 15-08-2012, 10:51 AM

My girlfriend of 2.5 years and I have been living apart this summer. (She's in university and I returned to my hometown 400 miles away due to an illness in the family.)

I am going to be back with her at school in just two days! and that's very exciting and wonderful, but I'm also filled with dread. Without getting into detail about the causes, this has been a very difficult summer for me. For the most part, I have avoided self harm, but... well, I'm here. I harmed again. And it's not super bad, but... she's definitely going to notice.

I'm so ashamed, and so worried. She knows I have a long, long history of self harm, and she used to harm herself too. There have been times when she has held me in her arms and said "If I could love all your scars away, I would do it without question." and there have been times when she has said that I shouldn't leave the house without covering up completely, lest I cause someone's death, and that I'm a bad person for disagreeing.

There's no way to avoid her seeing this. We're practically guaranteed to have sex when I get back home, and this injury isn't covered by my underwear. I could put some gauze and tape on it, but that's pretty obvious. She's going to see it, she's going to know what I've done, and it's going to hurt her.

It's not that I want to keep this secret from her, it's that I'm so ashamed of what I've done. I thought I was done. And I know it's going to hurt her terribly to see that I'm hurt.

I don't want her to tell me that I need to go back to the psychologist or the psychiatrist, or back on medication -- there's no shame in being on medicine but I can't afford it and I hate how it makes me feel. Besides, I'm not sick again, I just can't deal with some of these intense situations.

I'm afraid that I'm going to lose her someday, because I keep doing everything wrong all the time. I'm not very good in school, I'm not a very good provider, I haven't been there for her this summer... and now, I'm hurting myself again.

She said earlier tonight, before I hurt myself, that she loves me beyond words and that I don't hardly do anything wrong. I'm glad she thinks that. But I just feel so bad about what I've done that -- paradoxically -- I want to hurt myself as punishment for having hurt myself.

How do I talk about this with her? I don't want her to be surprised when my shorts come off, but I don't want to worry her over the phone, either.

pea soup · 15-08-2012, 01:15 PM

This is a hard situation. But she already knows that you have a history of self harm. Let her know you had a rough summer. Just talk to her as you normally would. I think she will be very understanding. She sounds amazing....and I think she will support you.

thinking of you.
xxxxxxxxxxxx

snowy_owl · 16-08-2012, 04:52 AM

She is amazing. I love her so much, and I hope we'll spend the rest of our lives together.

I'm so used to being told -- by my family, mostly -- that I need to hide my pain, hide my scars, internalize everything, stay quiet, deal with it, just get over it, grow up... that I feel really foolish and guilty and vulnerable telling her anything emotional that's sad or angry or hurtful or whatever.

I know she's ok with listening and she wants me to share and she loves me. I know it makes our relationship better when I share, and it makes me better.

I just... can't get the words out. My throat is so tight I can't make the words come out.

I wish I were there, or that she were here. I wish she could just hold me and we wouldn't have to say anything and it would just be ok.