Remembering.

[Aubergine]

I'm having lots of bad memories tonight. Memories of admissions and behaviours and feelings. They're weighty and hard to deal with, like I'm burdened with something heavy. Sometimes it feels to much to bear.

I have some trouble accepting how low things got. I mean, they sent people to my house unannounced. I was sectioned. I was held on a high dependency unit. That must mean that things got pretty bad, right? Sometimes it doesn't feel like it was me that it happened to.

I wish I could talk to someone who was there at the time, but other than the crisis team, the people I see from the CMHT have changed so I don't have access to those who saw me through the worst of it. Obviously my current CPN is aware of what happened, but she didn't see it. In fact, she's never seen me even a little bit unwell. In some ways that's a positive, but it can be hard and I don't feel like she can completely see where I'm coming from.

I know memories are just memories and can't hurt me, but sometimes they tae me breath away. :(

[Stellata]

I understand things that were really like in another universe feeling distant. I also believe that it's as we get more well, that we really see how ill we have been at the lowest points. Perhaps our preoccupations with those times as we become more well is in part fear that it could happen again. It's difficult when those in our treatment teams haven't seen how tough it can be for us - for a long time, my GP hadn't, and even now she does rarely, just because of how the appointments are arranged. It can make it hard, because it feels like they don't believe us, in a way. But remember that it's on your medical records, and she can contact others in your team for verification.

[Buttons.]

I can very much identify with those sort of memories being very vivid and hard to deal with, and the desire to be able to clarify our memories of what happened with someone who was more 'with it' for want of a better word at the time.

I personally found writing down what I could remember of those times very cathartic, as once it's on paper it's sort of out there in the world, you know, not trapped inside you on an ever spinning reel in your head.

I have also found that the intensity of at least some of these memories does tend to fade with time, we just need a healthy dollop of patience to let our minds deal with it at their own rate.

[star runner]

I can really relate to your post. I've also had long admissions and been told how bad things were for me but i cannot really make sense of it. I also have a new cpn who has not seen me unwell. I find i dwell on what's gone on. I have access to my GP records and therefore have got to read each discharge summary from my IP spells. I can't say it helped, in fact it made me dwell all the more, but it did give me some clarification and also reminded me that things were very bad and that i need to do everything i can so that it doesn't happen again. Perhaps you could speak to your GP about records access?